CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? @cigamwt-blog - Tumblr Blog

FREAKIN' THE DEACON

Today's contributor is going to hell for this confession A few years ago, my cousin set me up on a blind date with the deacon at his church. He seemed like a nice guy--moderately good-looking. And since Jesus was his homeboy, there weren't many ways it could go wrong. On our third date, we stayed out late and he slept over. I didn't mind because deacons are supposed to be celibate and waiting for marriage, right? Wrong. Before I knew it, the deacon was fondling my breasts! Then all of a sudden, church boy whipped out a condom.

Why was he prepared? Deacon?!

I was so confused, but who am I to question a sign from the Lord? I hadn't been laid in only God knows how long, so this was obviously a divine intervention. As he whipped out his 'goods,' I looked down to see what I was about to be working with--I was shocked and horrified. Maybe it’s not hard? Then upon closer inspection, Jesus H. Christ. Why is it so small?!?!?!? As he pumped, it was a struggle not to ask if it was over yet. He even had the nerve to flip me over to hit it from the back. There was ONE pump! ONE pump! I quickly realized this was no divine intervention. It was punishment for my sins. But I didn't endureth for much longer because it was over.

Since I’m thoughtful, I told him because it had been a while, he needed more practice. I'm not sure why this offended him, so I gently reminded the deacon that in those 5 minutes, I hadn’t come yet. Not to mention, he busted in the condom and leaked everywhere because it was too loose. After that night, I promised to pray harder and tithe regularly. Sex has been better since.

#blind date #church #deacon #sex #editor's pick

FRIENDSHIP BRACELET

One person's misplaced birth control is another's trendy fashion accessory When I was looking for a birth control method, I covered all my bases -- I did online research, read any pamphlet I could get my hands on and had numerous Q&A conversations with my gynecologist. Though I had been sexually active for quite some time and would always use condoms with my partner, I felt it was time to definitely be a little more proactive in preventing an unwanted pregnancy. Pills, patches and shots oh my! I was super confused and didn’t know what route to go. After a few weeks of reading and questioning the hell out of my doctor, I decided the best and most convenient choice for me would be NuvaRing, a plastic vaginal ring. It had been approximately a month since I had gotten on my birth control. I had gotten use to the placement of the NuvaRing and was ready to get it on with my partner! We hadn’t had sex in a month and I was beyond ready. The sex was amazing as usual -- The foreplay was seductive and fun -- he gave me the best head ever -- and once we hit our groove, the positions were straight out the Kama Sutra. Did I mention that one side effect to my new method of contraception was that it won't fall out during sex?

I was in a daze after our hot romp, so I headed home to spread out on my own bed, and I didn't notice anything different. A few days later, my partner and I met up for lunch. Halfway through our date I noticed something familiar on his wrist. “What kind of bracelet is that?” I asked. “Oh yeah! I forgot," he said. You left your bracelet over my place the other night!” As he laughed and handed it to me, my face turned beet red. How do you tell someone they're wearing your birth control around their wrist?

He went on. "Is it one of those Silly Bandz? I wasn’t sure.” I had to lie! “Yeah, my cousin gave it to me. It’s just the Basic Shape Edition.” Lunch continued, but ended quickly! I never told him the truth, but he did suggest that we should get matching “Silly Bands” and he continuously searches for the infamous “Basic Shape Edition.”

#birth control #foreplay #sex #editor's pick

POCKET FULL OF PANTIES

A new relationship is almost ruined by a disturbing discovery

Josh and I got off to a bit of a rocky start. I had liked him for a while, but we had only recently started hooking up regularly. On one particular morning after, he lent me his sweatshirt to wear home. As I admired how cute I looked in it, I reached my hand into the pocket. That’s when I made the most disturbing discovery of my life.

Inside his pocket was a pair of women’s underwear. No, they weren’t mine. I know what you’re picturing—some lacy little number that conjured up images of porn stars and supermodels. Not exactly. These were freaking huge granny panties—with period stains on them. Yes, I found a pair of period panties in my new potential boyfriend’s pocket.

I screamed in horror, threw them in Josh’s stunned face, and stormed out. After taking a few days to recover from the trauma, I started thinking rationally. He wasn’t the cheating type, and no “other woman” ravishes her man wearing absolutely heinous period panties.

It turns out he had lent the sweatshirt to a female friend of his, who for some inexplicable reason put her blood-stained underwear in the pocket and forgot about it before she returned it. Traumatizing for me…humiliating for her. I realized that Josh was as shocked as appalled by the discovery as I was, so I quickly forgave him. We’ve been together for two and half years, and we still laugh about the fact that a pair of granny panties almost ended us before we began.

Editor's Note: We told you there would be blood.

#cheating #granny panties #period #relationship #sweatshirt #editor's pick

FIRST CUM FIRST SERVED

A sexually frustrated woman teaches her man the meaning of ladies first

Throughout my sex life, I have been continually subjected to dreaded premature ejaculations, which always leave me restless and horny. I don’t understand why men don’t realize (or just choose to ignore) the fact that women are happier when we come first -- in both the literal and sexual sense of the word.

I was faced with this dilemma recently, but this time I was fed up. I had been with my boyfriend for a couple of years, and the sex just wasn’t up to par. After many failed attempts to improve his performance, I tried a different approach. I got myself to the point of almost climax before we started having sex, which ultimately led to me getting off quickly. His initial reaction was of joy and pride, as if he were responsible for my early release. But he was in for a surprise.

Since I was finished, I got off him and laid down to rest. He was less than thrilled about this, and asked me what I was doing.

“I came,” I said. “Sex is over when you cum, so it should be over when I do, too -- right?”

His face immediately turned bright red. He was frustrated, but he knew better than to try to resume action, so we both went to sleep.

We calmly discussed it the next morning, and since then, our sack sessions have improved. That night was great for a couple of reasons -- he got a taste of his own medicine, and I came first!

#boyfriend #premature ejaculation #sex #editor's pick

ALL DECKED OUT

A newly-deflowered virgin gets caught with her pants (and everything else) down

I was going into my sophomore year of college and had recently lost my virginity to my considerably more experienced boyfriend. One summer night, we made plans to continue, er, getting to know each other. He asked me to wear a thong and I obliged, describing it to him in vivid detail as he drove me back to his parent's house. They'd already gone to bed -- he told them we'd be watching a movie.

When we got to his house, he stepped out onto his parents deck to smoke. I playfully grabbed the cigarette out of his mouth and he pulled me into a kiss. Before I knew it, he was ripping my aforementioned thong past my knees and kissing me everywhere the cool summer air was blowing.

It was on in a big way. We were both completely naked as I delighted in trying a new position for the first time. I like doggie style, I thought, as he pounded into me from behind. Among its perks, this particular position gave me a prime view of my surroundings -- the night sky sprinkled with stars, the flowers sitting on the edge of the deck. It also meant that I was staring his mother straight into the face when she yanked open the sliding glass door and caught her son mid-thrust. Did I mention I met my boyfriend in the church youth group?

I was mortified, but his mother was beyond -- dropping her water glass onto the deck as she yelled for both of us to leave. I dated my boyfriend off and on after that, but like the water-stained deck, our relationship never fully recovered.

#boyfriend #church #college #deck #doggie style #hump day #mother #sex #sophomore #thong #virgin #youth group #editor's pick

NOT SO SONNY DELIGHT

A self-sabotaging single sends her dignity (and her dinner) down the drain

I have a history of destroying any possibility for a relationship with a guy, so when Sonny asked me to come over, I thought this could be a turning point for me. I left the bar and headed to his place, where the night was going perfectly.

As he started to put on the moves, I was suddenly hit with the urge to vomit. Quickly, I fled to the bathroom where, for some unexplained reason, I decided to throw up in Sonny’s sink. I then turned on the faucet, assuming that everything would flow smoothly down the drain. Instead, the mess rose slowly in the sink. As I began to panic, Sonny’s roommate walked in, witnessing my shameful act.

I decided to tell Sonny that the foulness in his sink had came out of the faucet, and found myself advising him to tell his landlord about the horrible plumbing problems. Upon seeing the damage, Sonny immediately knew I was lying, but I stuck to my ridiculous story. Staring miserably at the mess, he told me that I should probably just go.

I had to walk past all his roommates as I left, including the one who caught me in the act. To add insult to injury, I have since sent Sonny a text inviting him to “come clog my sink.” I haven’t received any responses. I guess since Sonny was cute and interested, I had to do something drastic to ensure that he would never invite me over again.

#bar #bathroom #roommate #sink #text #vomit #editor's pick

HOW TO GET AHEAD

A small-town girl receives candid advice on how to make it in the big city

Upon graduating, I didn’t want to reek of that fresh-out-of-college-and-unemployed smell, so I actively pursued jobs in public relations, a field opposing my self-righteous journalism degree.

I interviewed at a public relations firm on New York’s Upper West Side. Jenna, a maternal young woman impressed with my carefully crafted resume and impossibly high-heeled pumps, interviewed me. She praised my resume and gushed about my connections, but the deal wasn't sealed yet.

“Oh, our CEO wants to interview you, too,” she said as her lips pursed. It was a telling face. “He’s just a character. You’ll laugh.” A ‘character’ and ‘you’ll laugh’ — how PR of her. I followed her up a staircase that led to the CEO’s office, a flamboyant gay man who looked like the spawn of Antonio Banderas and Golum from Lord of the Rings.

“So let’s talk money. You will receive $500 a week, if we decide we can afford to hire you -- or even want you," he said.

“Yes, I understand. I expected a salary like that given the state of the economy,” I replied.

“Well, you know what that means then?”

“I better start saving?”

“No! You better find a rich guy and bang him! You know, a doctor, a lawyer, just someone very rich. Give him really great sex. You need to rid yourself of that small-town heat. Come to the big city!”

Less-than-conventional interview? Check. Mastery of the classic nod-and-smile technique? Check. Welcome to your new job in PR – at a firm that makes the Coney Island side show look like a Merrill Lynch office.

#New York #interview #public relations #unemployed #editor's pick

TO EAT OR NOT TO EAT

A new guy is shocked by the bold request of today's contributor

I dated my boyfriend for two years before we broke up in my last semester of college. I wasn’t getting much out of our relationship anymore, and wanted to experience new guys before my college tenure ended.

I quickly rebounded with a guy from one of my classes. I had never dated a white guy before, so I considered him a novelty of sorts. I wasn’t expecting much from our first sexual encounter, but I was pleasantly surprised. Sex with him was great--especially in the oral department. I was really starting to like this whole “dating new guys” thing.

One night he picked me up and we went for a drive. We were parked in his car, making out, when I had an urge for his fantastic oral skills. I was over playing by the “dating” rules, so I simply looked him in the face and said two words: "eat it."

He ignored me, so I repeated it. Then he just shook his head no. I was seriously annoyed--I wasn’t in this relationship for his sparkling personality! I told him to drive me home, and he seemed completely shocked and thought I was joking. The look on my face convinced him otherwise real fast.

When we arrived at my dorm, I silently exited the car, went upstairs and deleted his number. He called me for a while after that, but I never answered. I think he finally got the picture: if you don’t give me what I want, I have no use for you.

#boyfriend #breakup #college #cunning linguist #dating #oral sex #editor's pick

THE BATHROOM BREAK-IN

A new relationship is tested by the dreaded 'no. 2'

There are certain milestones in a relationship that take some time to reach -- like feeling comfortable enough to take a dump in your boyfriend's bathroom. This monumental occasion arrived (or so I thought) when I was at my boyfriend’s house and had to go to the bathroom ... bad. But I chickened out, and decided I wasn't at the point where I could handle doing that at his house. So, I made up an excuse to leave with the intent to rush home.

Unfortunately, as I pulled away in my car, I realized I wasn't going to make it. Desperate, I called a friend who lived in the neighborhood and asked if I could stop by her house to use her bathroom. She said I could, but her family was out so she gave me the code to her garage. By that point, using the bathroom in peace trumped all guilt in sneaking into her family's empty house -- so I went for it.

I finally made it to the throne when suddenly, I heard the garage door open. Panicking, I hurried to finish my business and stumbled out of the bathroom. To my horror, I was met by her parents and her cute brother, all of whom were staring at me wondering what in God’s name I was doing in their house. After explaining my embarrassing tale, I embarked on a different kind of walk of shame . . . away from a group of people who knew I broke into their house for a bathroom emergency.

In retrospect, while it’s important to keep the romance alive in a new relationship, on that day I wished I had done the dreaded no. 2 at my boyfriend's house. It couldn't have been any worse than getting caught breaking and entering -- right?

Editor's Note: We think it's kick-ass to take a dump at your boyfriend's house, but this hilarious video illustrates why today's contributor was rightfully weary.

#No Shit Sure Lock #bathroom #boyfriend #milestone #relationship #Editor's Pick

REVENGE OF A DIRTY DICK

A sex-deprived job hunter learns the hard way that revenge is a two-way street

It was an Internet nightmare. I wanted to kick myself for stooping to his level.

After three months of sporadic (and less-than-stellar) sex to ease a dry spell, a winter fling ended up costing me hundreds of dollars in medical bills -- essentially to reconstruct my twat. Not only had I contracted some sort of rare vaginal disease, but I discovered the guy I slept with was engaged.

Doing my fellow females a service, I rushed to an infamous dating website to expose this dirty-dick liar. I had absolutely no qualms revealing his name, city and every trifling detail of our affair -- leaving his scathing demands to remove the post ignored.

All was well, or so I thought, until I began a job search months later. Apparently that fool posted a rant of his own. And guess what showed up as my top Google search result? Yeah. I almost had a heart attack knowing prospective employers would view me as a so-called desperate psychopath.

Six months later, the posting is still on the Internet, but the search listing disappeared. I’m still looking for a new job. I think I’ll stick to the web for those purposes only.

Your confession could make next year's list Top 10 list -- SUBMIT NOW.

#Google #dating #dry spell #editor's pick #fling #job search #liar #revenge #sex #vaginal disease

WE ARE FAMILY

Today's contributor takes keeping it in the family a little too far

I was at a frat party and hooked up with a beautiful boy, Jack, with spiked brown hair and blue eyes. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, being fingered on a couch in front of 30 other people at the party, but no situation tends to be ideal when you’re this wasted.

He asked for my number afterward and realized that he already had it programmed into his phone. Then came the great realization that we had already met before. I sent him a text the next day and said, “We know each other. Why is this?” Jack said that he remembered visiting my apartment last year when my dad came to visit.

I had no recollection of this whatsoever, but he said he was from Tennessee. The only thing I know about that faraway place is that’s where my second cousins are from. We started talking about people we knew in common when I realized that he had the same last name as one of my cousins down South.

After looking horrified and running out of the house, I immediately called my dad and asked about our family in Tennessee. Without saying that I had possibly hooked up with an extended family member, I asked my dad how the Sloans were related to us and he said it was his cousin’s grandma’s family.

“But that’s not a blood relationship right, Dad? They just married in?”

“Nope, they’re blood relatives."

It turned out that Jack was my third cousin on my dad’s side of the family.

I wish I could say that stopped me from hooking up with him. At the next party, I let him finger me again. But at least we didn't have sex, right?

#drinking #hookup #kissing cousins

HOT LINKS ON A PLATTER

A delectable round-up of this week's most buzzed about topics.

QUOTE: LeAnn Rimes says something poignant, "A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens."

VIDEO: Katie Holmes explains why Suri had P-E-N-I-S gummies in her hand, and apparently can't bring herself to say the word PENIS. -- Amy Grindhouse

From Vajazzle to mechanisms that disguise your camel toe these ways to dress up your genitals go far beyond the standard landing strip and bikini wax. -- Cracked

We'll have to settle for listening to the smooth seductive voice of Don Draper on those Mercedes Benz commercials, Mad Men won't be back until 2012! -- Pop Eater

H&M's Fashion Against AIDS campaign is back and this time the collection is unisex & features Miss Keri Hilson and Akon. -- Coco & Creme

WTF News: Ex cop decides he'd like a full-frontal 'massage' but that he'd rather not pay for it, so he masquerades as a massage parlor inspector, and demands a massage and money. -- Nerve

Explain to us what Snooki Polizzi has done in life to make more money for an appearance at Rutgers than Toni Morrison? Is Jersey Shore worth more than a Nobel Prize? -- SheKnows

#hot links

We've had our share of drunken mishaps, but this drunk dialing debacle takes the cake. Sorry, Dominic--you can't get a man with that.

#drunk dailing

MY LIE DOCTOR

Today's contributor figures out why Dr. - patient ethics is so important after all.

I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses and contacts. I took my exam and could tell that the eye doctor was totally flirting with me. I decided to take the shot, he was cute and a doctor, what else could a girl ask for? When I gave him my contact info he said 'This is the number I can call you at?, At anytime?' 'Yes.' I replied, thinking that he wasn't going to call me. When my glasses came back I noticed that he put a $300 extra order on my Chanel glasses. It was not what I asked for and I was actually not happy about it, but I decided not to say anything because after all I guess he was just being nice.

Five days later I got a text from him implying that I should at least make him breakfast to thank him for my $300 dollar valued freebie. One thing led to another, we had sex, good sex, and that led to very beneficial sexual relationship.

When I moved I would make three and half hour drives to go see him at his job so we could have sex in the bathroom. He said he didn't want us to have sex at his place because his brother lives with him and is always there. I finally accepted his friend request on Facebook, only to find out - He was engaged!

I guess he was stupid enough not to block his relationship status. I stopped answering his phone calls and texts after that. Then the he unleashed the crazy - he would call like five times a day from his work, cell and house phone leaving texts and voicemails threatening to come to my house. I'd considered taking out a restraining order, but I wasn't sure whether or not to take this guy seriously. Even though he never did I still thought he was a psycho. I'm still more embarrassed about even talking to my eye doctor and feel stupid for believing all of his lies.

#doctor #sex #stalker

SWEET PEE & THE WILDERNESS MAN

Today's contributor thought her date had no manners, until she did something utterly shameful.

I’d been working 12 hour+ days when I met up for a first date with Wilderness Man. He will forever remain with that name in my memory, because, to this day, I've never met a man so in tune with his inner animal. We met up at a bar and talked awkwardly for a while, while he ate and drank like a man who hadn't even heard of the word etiquette. The date was going nowhere and we both figured that out relatively quickly. I said I had to go and he walked me to the train to go back up town, only then did we realize that we lived in the same neighborhood. Then, disaster struck.

After 11, the trains run on a late night schedule, meaning they’re slow, unreliable, and exceptionally crowded. Hours seemed to fly by as we waited for the train, and we had absolutely nothing to talk about, making every passing minute more awkward than the next. We might as well have parted ways and acted like we didn't know each other. Finally, the train came and only then did my weak bladder decide to let me know that it was time to go pee pee.

I figured I could hold it, I definitely wasn't about to go to the bathroom and be stuck waiting for the next train, it was just my luck that the train ride seemed to take an even longer time. We had been on the train an insanely long time when I -- well there’s no right way to say this…peed myself. Yes! I couldn’t hold it in, one too many cocktails and a bladder the size of a pea, made me pee my pants in front of an overly crowded and cranky group. This is my eternal shame.

#pee #first date #subway

ROCK THE BOAT

Today's contributor learns why pointy things and water beds don't mix.

My boyfriend and I were having sex on his water bed. Yes, his water bed (cue all of the motion of the ocean, cheesy motel jokes here). I'd bought this pair of stiletto heels that I knew would drive him crazy. As I peeled off my clothes layer by layer until there was nothing left but my stiletto heels, I gave him my trademark sexy grin.

Needless to say he got more and more excited and pulled me on top of him. I decided I needed a little more leverage so when we switched positions, my sexy stilettos ended up poking a whole in my plan and the water bed. It started to leak. My boyfriend was so caught up in the moment, he thought he was making me wet. He didn't notice the increase of water that began spurting out from the sheets. And I was really too horny to bother to tell him what was going on.

We kept at it for a while and besides the fact that the bed was deflating we were having a damn good time. Apparently we'd managed to flood the room and I guess the trickle of water under the door was an indicator to his parents that they should check out what was going on in their son's bedroom.

Both his mom and dad walked in on a flooded floor, me clad in my stilettos and us in the middle of doing the deed. I was mortified, and couldn't even muster up the strength to cover myself up, everything in the room from the sheets to the clothes I'd stripped off were soaking wet.

#water bed #sex #parents

SWEET SIXTEEN

Today's contributor learns age is a more than just a number Sixteen. No one can tell you anything once you turn sixteen. It was summer, which meant dark skin, short skirts, brand new sneakers and door knocker earrings with my name in it (hey, that was the style back then). I'd walk to the bus stop, with a nice little sashay, to see which cutie would stop me. Eventually one of the guys from the neighborhood barbershop paid me some attention--and I liked it. “Oh wow, I thought you were nineteen,” he said to me after I told him how old I was. He said he was 23, but that didn’t matter, I was sixteen and could handle anything.

We spent a lot of time together, kissed, and pretty much dated for weeks, but a few things weren't adding up. He had gray hair and drove a nice whip that no 23-year-old barber could possibly afford on his own. One day, I surprised him at work, only to find him wearing a hideous mesh ensemble, like the kind old men wear out in the sun, with a pair of dusty orthopedic sandals supporting his decrepit feet. It took my 16-year-old self 5 minutes to finally conclude that this man wasn't 23 years old. After asking around the neighborhood, I found out that he as actually 39--with a 17-year-old daughter! He called for a couple of months wondering what happened to me, not knowing the news I found out. Years later, I still dodge him until this day.

Editor's Note: File under things pedophiles say: "Oh wow, I thought you were 19."

#high school #dating #pedophile

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CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT?