Cirqueloz [n=1]

Yes I’m a difficult person. But geniuses often are. I'm an amateur circus person tracking my aerial progress. I started aerial from nothing in February 2012 when I was 19 and train multidisciplinary on rope (3 ply with basic corde lisse), trapeze (static with basic swinging), silks (normal and hammock) and hoop (single and double point). I've also self-taught unicycle, contact juggling and poi. And I’m self-made flexible. I'm by no means a professional, with no intentions of becoming one however I'm always happy to share my experiences so far! (All posts are original) 168cm & 128lbs ~09/11/17~

[cirqueloz]

Please, let me know you are still around

Still alive - but not active on any social media (just happened to see this in an old email!) hope you are well :)

[cirqueloz]

Warning - This is a Rant

Apologies in advance, skip past if family bitching/drama bothers or bores you. But I need to put this somewhere outside of myself and I can’t think of anywhere else.

It’s been almost 8 weeks since my mum passed away suddenly at the age of 63. Going from healthy and alive to nothing in less than 30 minutes. They say there are these stages of grief and that one of them is anger. And boy am I angry. But you know, I don’t even think I’m angry about the death in a “grieving way”. I think my anger is completely warranted, and it’s aimed at my brother. My only sibling, who is 3.5 years older than I am.

She died in the middle of the night. I gave myself 15 minutes to cry before I started to clean the carpet, as she’d been sick as she went into respiratory arrest. The police told my dad to contact them in the morning to coordinate obtaining the death certificate with the GP. The police have to attend all sudden unexplained deaths to ensure no suspicious circumstances/post-mortem requirements. I stayed up all night to contact the family as early as possible in the morning. My dad asked me to wake him at 8am to sort out the death certificate. When I woke him he said “I can’t. I just can’t.”

I recognised at that point we would need to step up. I did not really, at any point, expect my dad to handle this situation. I would never ask him to bury his wife. Yes I lost my mum, but he lost his soulmate and the love of his life who he was with for 40 years. The loss is very different, and I had to be gracious of that.

So I called the police. I called the GP practice. I had the death certificate emailed to me. I called and booked an appointment with the council to register the death. I attended the appointment and registered the death. I chose the funeral directors. I chose the date for the funeral, the date for the interment of the ashes, and sorted out the headstone inscription. I selected and contacted the limited 20 people who would attend. I picked out her clothes. I picked the coffin. I went and bought the flowers. I chose the music. I chose the poem. I chose the prayer. I organised the photos for the order of service. I chose the celebrant to conduct the service. I met with the celebrant to discuss my mum’s life. I sat there the night before and I wrote the eulogy, alone.

As this was all happening, I responded to every kind message, flowers and card we received. I did all of the grocery shopping, cooked every meal and did all of the cleaning. I contacted the various shopping companies my mum had accounts with and settled the debts, and I organised my dad’s finances where I could. I sat with him every day and night checking he was okay. I comforted my cousins, my aunts, and my mum’s best friends while they cried.

As I did all of this, do you know what my older brother was doing? What he contributed? Nothing.

The very few times I broached the subject I was told he’s grieving. He’s going through a lot. There’s a lot going on in his head. This is hard for him.

And honestly, I really can’t help but wonder what that must feel like.

[cirqueloz]

So very tired.

[cirqueloz]

Feel like I shouldn’t cry, because what will it do? Who does it help?

[cirqueloz]

Sometimes coffee and the sun is all you need to get through the day.

We looked nothing like each other but that’s okay.

I wasn’t even wearing heels. She was just mini.

[cirqueloz]

I’m an adult but I feel like not an adult right now. Like not an adult pretending to be an adult. Deep, isn’t it?

I have to organise a funeral for the first time ever except the person who I would ask for advice on how to organise a funeral has died.

I don’t have much time for crying because my older brother is crying and vomiting perpetually over losing his mum. I don’t have time for crying because my dad is breaking down, starving himself and staring into space because he lost his wife. I have to comfort my crying cousins who lost their favourite aunt. And some wonderful women who lost their sister, or best friend.

Someone has to do the things or it’s a mess. Someone has to do the jobs or they don’t get done. And I didn’t think this would be me right now. I couldn’t have seen this coming.

It will hit me soon I think. Cut me like shards of glass. But not this week. Maybe next week when I have more time.

[cirqueloz]

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind responses to my posts. Getting there. ❤️❤️

[cirqueloz]

I’m an adult but I feel like not an adult right now. Like not an adult pretending to be an adult. Deep, isn’t it?

I have to organise a funeral for the first time ever except the person who I would ask for advice on how to organise a funeral has died.

I don’t have much time for crying because my older brother is crying and vomiting perpetually over losing his mum. I don’t have time for crying because my dad is breaking down, starving himself and staring into space because he lost his wife. I have to comfort my crying cousins who lost their favourite aunt. And some wonderful women who lost their sister, or best friend.

Someone has to do the things or it’s a mess. Someone has to do the jobs or they don’t get done. And I didn’t think this would be me right now. I couldn’t have seen this coming.

It will hit me soon I think. Cut me like shards of glass. But not this week. Maybe next week when I have more time.

[cirqueloz]

I’ve abandoned this blog a little bit due to no training because of the covid situation. But I‘ve returned today just to post some hard thoughts.

It’s so hard to put into words the feelings of the past few days. And with sadness I never felt possible, I’m grieving for the sudden and unbelievable loss of my mum, who was only 63 years old. She was okay until she wasn’t, she was there one minute and gone the next. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there, but I can only thank my older brother for handling the 999 call, my dad for immediately starting CPR, and my parent’s amazing neighbours, Stacie and Michele, who ran through at 1am to assist in CPR and look after my family. Thank you to the scottish ambulance service paramedics who did absolutely everything they could at the house in an attempt to save her, and to the officers at police scotland for their support in the situation.

The support and kind words from my family near and far means the world, as well as that of our friends - thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message me and my family with condolences. I’m feeling a lot right now, heart broken that at 28 I’m organising my mother’s funeral. But mostly that I still feel too young to not have my mum. To the most supportive of woman I’ve ever known. Life is fragile, and you were so loved by everyone who knew you.

I will never in my life forget hearing those words over the phone as I rushed to my hometown. “I’m so sorry. She’s not responsive.”

[cirqueloz]

Hello friends and followers!

I’ve been gone a very long time, apologies. Training has been hit and miss because of the restrictions here in bonnie Scotland. They change constantly. Gym open, gym closed, classes outside, it’s raining, gym open, gym closed again, instructor goes on holiday, it’s still raining. So yes, there really hasn’t been a lot of content to be honest.

Here you can enjoy some of my life updates. My friend had a bereavement in her family and they all left for Germany. So I went to look after her rewilding farm in Wales. Animals. I do love them. Here’s a few members of the gang.

A very wholesome trip. Then I returned and got fed up of my butt-length hair and shaved one side of it off.

And this morning, for the first time in over three years, I jumped on a unicycle. It’s like riding a bike init. Check out my face.

And in all honesty that’s pretty much it! Work is fine, I’m a public health statistician so therefore sick to death of Covid - but who isn’t!?

That’s all folks - hope to be back properly soon :)

[cirqueloz]

Things from today.

A 6 hour hike up Ben Vorlich with some of my besties! I didn’t realise it had 4 boots on WalkHighlands so that makes it the official “toughest” mountain I’ve done so far. Even though it was actually okay. It was intense mist the whole way up and down, but clear skies on the summit above the clouds! Scotland is the best. I should do more of this.

Also, a housewarming gift from one of my besties it’s a cushion with all 15 of my nephews and nieces printed on it (her animals). I know I’m not supposed to have favourites, but Pippin the ginger woolly pig is just perfection.

And lastly I can’t stop dressing like a teenage boy.

All in all, a good weekend so far!

[cirqueloz]

Yesterday and today. A non-aerial injury for once! I put my pull-up bar in the door frame and attached a resistance band to it, knelt on the floor and began doing lat pulldowns with the band. I hadn’t put the bar up properly and it shot off the door frame like a slingshot and cracked me in the face. I fell over backwards, got some whiplash and hit my head. You honestly couldn’t make it up. I should have set up a camera.

I had my first ever face X-ray experience and have a minor orbital fracture, nothing they can actually do anything for. That side of my face and nose is still super swollen and it’s quite sore. Hey at least my nose and teeth were not broken!

Incidentally it’s also my birthday. And the metal bar to the face was certainly a surprise.

[cirqueloz]

Here I am

Hello everyone. I have been super quiet the past few months - thanks for continuing to follow me despite the lack of updates. And hello to all of the new people who started following me as well!

Since this is a circus/aerial progress blog and there hasn’t been much training I haven’t had much to say, so here’s a general update!

We actually started training again at the end of May on the outdoor rig (the training space is still closed even now) and I’ve managed to get 2-3 sessions in per week since then but it’s all weather dependent and it rains here a lot... It definitely sucked a bit having nearly 3 months off but it also wasn’t as bad as I expected. All my skills are still there. Looking forward to the training space opening properly again in August!

Next - I bought a nice west end flat (apartment for USA folk) during a pandemic. Just me. I moved in on 5th June and have just about completed all of the cosmetic work etc. and it is looking fine! Need to wait another 10 weeks for my sofa though... But I’m very happy to be in a nice area and no longer renting after 8 years of being a student.

Onto my next update. As a public health statistician, work has been COVID. We got removed from the office mid-March about a week before lockdown and haven’t gone back since. As we’re fully equipped to work from home it’s looking like I will return next year. So it’s good I’m in my lovely new flat now! Working in the old one was awful!

Which brings me onto my next point. While I’m home all day every day, in a place I actually own, there seemed literally no better time to embark upon another large responsibility.

Little Forti. He’s currently in Cyprus and lived in a kill shelter his whole life (he’s around 18 months old). He was on the list to be put to sleep by the pound when I found the adoption plea. He’s since been moved to a safe shelter to await his flight to the UK. He’s a Chinese Shar Pei mix, potentially with some Labrador. The shelter informed the charity on this side that he’s “generally okay but a bit naughty”. He is good with other dogs and they sent me videos of him with adults and children stroking him. But they did say he gives a warning snarl if you touch his back end. The Cyprus woman did say she does not like the breed, a shar pei bit her once or something. Anyway there will be some work. But I’m willing to give him a chance at a life. Plus those wrinkles, you know.

If anyone has any rescue dog tips do feel free to contact me.

That’s basically it from me - aerial, house, work from house, put dog in house. Done.

[cirqueloz]

I woke up the other day to find part of my eyebrow was missing, but hey I think it works 🤷‍♀️

Continuing to survive lockdown/covid19 related life. It’s like living in Groundhog Day. Wake up, run, work, walk, work, weightlift, walk, sleep, repeat. Every day of the past 5 weeks has been almost identical but, you know, it’s fine. Needs must. I’ve been gaming a lot at night too which is fun. My stress levels aren’t very high, I don’t really get burnout from work. The only burnout I get is from how much my heart misses science. #perpetuallybrokenhearted

[cirqueloz]

Well I just checked my tumblr app to find over 200 notifications. It was that Donald Trump post again. It’s always that Donald Trump post. Hail the Scottish for we are mature.

In other news my legs still hurt from my half marathon on Sunday. But I ran today anyway. And I started a new phase of home workouts. I keep looking at this pre-lockdown photo from the gym and hoping I do enough to maintain my muscle mass through this. I’m not expecting to build with the limited equipment I have. I just need to keep what I’ve got!

[cirqueloz]

An important milestone.

Almost exactly a year ago (it’ll be a year on 25th April) I was practicing a drop on the corde lisse when the wrap around my leg pulled my knee cap out of place and tore all the cartilage apart on the inside. I refused surgery so the broken fragments remain swimming around inside. I had to take a longish period of time off training, and had to give up running and boxing.

Around 4-6 weeks ago I started running again, I couldn’t do it at all for a REALLY long time, and it started out really hard. Then it got gradually easier each day. And today I ran 22km. Just over a half marathon. I hit the 21.1km at 1 hour and 57 minutes. It’s neither good nor terrible. But the point is, my leg did it! And once lockdown life is over I’m going to start boxing again, being on my toes is still very difficult but I need to overcome stuff so let’s go!

Me and my steady, steady heart rate:

Other than this, lockdown life continues with at home workouts, little bit of cycling, and I’ve decided to carry on with self-teaching programming in Python. I only code in R because statistician. But knowing more then one language can only really be a benefit!

[cirqueloz]

Happy egg-shaped chocolate day everyone!

Today I woke up and headed out for a 6k run. But then while running I thought how about a “12k on the 12th” and then it actually turned into a 13k so I can’t complain! Running is going well.

And then I got home and my friend from PhD texted me to say she hasn’t got any eggs and was sad. She’s very pregnant so isn’t meant to go outside much. So I ran out to the shop and filled a basket with discounted Easter eggs (people were definitely judging me 😂 essentials, you know) and walked over to her flat with them to leave on her doorstep. Here I am partaking in illegal non-essential egg trade.

Now I’m home again and I’ve got pizza tonight and my own eggs to look forward too! These are some of the discounted ones I got for myself as well heheh.

So all in all I’ve had a good Easter. I ran, I was the bunny, and I have tasty food.

[cirqueloz]

Various things from today:

I woke up and went straight out for a longish run today. I have been running a lot recently. Today’s was about an hour. And I covered over 10.5k which was quite nice.

One thing I’ve not been doing at all is stretching. My last aerial class was 4th March because our heating system broke, and then covid-19 happened. I had basically stretched once since then so I decided today was the day!

One block

One block one PhD thesis

Two blocks one PhD thesis

And then me absolutely raging for some unknown reason. I never pay attention to my face.

And finally. I was filming various stretches and workouts today and as I walked back to the camera to turn it off, there were some abs!

(Abs are 99% good lighting).

And that’s the end of today. Most days have been running and walking and at home workouts of various kinds. Nearly another week gone!