Ceejay The Introvert

That's me! Just an introverted person navigating this noisy world.

[cjtheintrovert]

Fuck you SMD and your broken promises.

[cjtheintrovert]

Bakit nagising na naman ako?

First thought that came to my mind this morning.

[cjtheintrovert]

1 January 2021

I told myself we are not going to cry today. But what did I do? I fucking cried driving back to my apartment. I ended up driving around the city for 30 minutes, wiping off my tears while I tried to concentrate on the road. I had the urge to cry when I realised she won't choose me again. I'm not her comfort anymore. Just like that, I am nothing to her. It was my fault for thinking maybe she will want my warmth. Boy was I fucking wrong. She has a new girlfriend now. Meron na kami pa lang lol. So yeah I ended up crying the whole first night of 2021. The 'why' and 'how' came rushing back in my head. The fact that I'm alone, no one to hug, no shoulder to cry on kasi I literally have no friends here. I prayed so hard not to wake up today. He disappointed me again. I honestly wanted to die in my sleep last night. It's hard not to hate this year already. 21 reminds me of her, what we used to have, our anniversary. I will try though. I'll try not to let her ruin this year for me.

[depression-took-over-my-liiife]

[cjtheintrovert]

7 years and 8 months later, hindi pala kami ang itinadhana.

Pagkatapos naming (kong?) planuhin ang future ko na kasama sya, kailangan ko palang gumawa ng planong ako lang mag-isa.

Wala na ung pangarap ko.

[cjtheintrovert]

Ex na lang ako

[cjtheintrovert]

i dont want pity. i just want to let his out. today i reached my breaking point. i could not stop crying. i cried before going to work. i almost cried while at work. thank god for the many distractions. i cried while washing the dishes tonight and again while eating dinner. i couldnt stop crying when i realised how alone i feel at the moment. im hurt. really hurt. im ashamed to admit it but those suicidal thoughts i was trying to brush off re coming back. if u care, dont worry i dont have the guts to do it. i just feel hopeless. i took 6 advils tonight too. i dont even know why because they wont do anything. lord help me get the help i need please.

[cjtheintrovert]

Things I learned living alone.

So 3 months in to moving in to my own apartment and living alone, these are some of the things I've learnt so far.

▪️Cooking is not that complicated compare to baking. But I'd still choose baking over cooking 😄

▪️ Cleaning is therapeutic and clean as you go saves time.

▪️ Meal planning saves you a lot of money when doing your weekly grocery shopping. Meal planning as in planning out your meals on a piece of paper not cooking in bulk para di nakakasawa.

▪️ Bringing a shopping list to the grocery store will save you tons of time at the supermarket. Plus you wouldn’t spend money on shit food.

▪️ Speaking of food. You control the type of food you keep in your house. Very helpful particularly to people who are starting to eat cleaner or healthier.

▪️ Routine. Routine. Routines are helpful with time management.

▪️ Whether you're an introvert who enjoys your own company, there will be times you will feel lonely.

▪️You learn what you actually enjoy doing. Reading? Listening to podcasts? Painting? Gardening?

▪️ Being mindful about the things you purchase and bring to your home. Do you really need it? Does it really make you happy? Or you just want it for the sake of buying it.

▪️ If you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you have to buy it. #MoneyWise lol

▪️ The state of your house (e.g. cleanliness) affects your productivity. The more kalat you see, the more gulo your isip is. Thus you can’t concentrate.

▪️ Plants do make a space alive and liveable.

That’s it for now. Moving out is probably the best and bravest thing I did, and I’m so glad I did it. 

[cjtheintrovert]

Covid-19 affected my mental health

A few months ago I started feeling down, sad and unmotivated. Ang daming beses din na umiiyak ako sa gabi. As in I didn't know why I was feeling I was on the verge of depression. I hate using that word kasi it's such a serious mental illness.

And then it hit me. Akala ko okay lang sakin na hindi matutuloy ung big plans namin ni bebe na mag-move in this year. I thought I was fine not knowing when it will be. I thought I will be fine on my own until the time na maging normal na kahit papano ung lagay ng mundo. Akala ko lang pala yun.

The thing is I wasn't allowing myself to feel what I was feeling. Yung lungkot at frustration na gawa ng nangyayari ngayon. Lagi ko lang binabalewala. I wasn't acknowledging the huge impact Covid-19 has to our relationship. I was giving myself false positivity na hindi talaga nakakatulong. Nabubuntong ko pa kay bebe ung sama ng loob ko. But why? Because I thought I had no right to feel those emotions.

You see there are people who had been and/or continue to be impacted by what's going on in the world. I am very lucky and blessed I'm not one of them, nor my family. Unlike other people, I still have my job. I still get paid regularly. I'm healthy. My family is healthy, so is my bebe. Thank goodness no one I know was diagnosed by the disease as well. Where I live we don't have any cases. Australia overall is doing well. So why would I winge? I can't be sad kasi naudlot ung plans namin. Or can I?

I realised na valid ung emotions na naramdaman ko that time. I had all the right to feel defeated kasi life plan un eh. More than one year naming inantay dumating ung time na sana matatapos na ung LDR phase ng relationship namin ni bebe. It's okay if I feel uncomfortable with the unknown kasi I like to be in control. So yes, I can feel sad. I can feel upset and unmotivated because of it. Yes other people has it worst compare to myself, and I feel for them. But at the end of the day, I was also affected negatively.

So if there's anyone else out there who is on the same boat, allow yourself to feel whatever it is. I'm telling you it's okay. Please don't feel guilty kasi iba iba tayo ng sitwasyon. Then find the positives in your life and be very grateful for them.

Stay safe ♥️

[cjtheintrovert]

Dear YOU,

Hi Bubba!

Six years and 5 months ago, we weren’t sure kung anong mangyayari satin as a couple after we reconnected. Six years and 5 months ago when I answered your “I love you”, I wasn’t sure kung tama bang I’m trusting you again. Six years and 5 months ago, I thought we will end up as strangers quietly following each other on Twitter.

But here we are, six years and 5 months later, planning our lives together. Six years and five months later, kabisado na natin isa’t isa. Who would have thought? Two complete strangers, miles away from each other, will prove everyone LDR works if you really want to.

Baby, I don’t know what you see in me, but I’m grateful I have you in my life. Thank you for giving me the love more than I deserve. Thank you for putting up with all my topak. Sa unli pasensya na binibigay mo saken. Alam ko minsan nafe-fed up ka na sakin, pero di mo ko binibitawan. Thank you kasi you never fail to make me feel that I’m enough. Ang sarap sa feeling na matulog na hindi ako nagiisip ng nega about satin or sayo (sana ikaw din haha). I know it took a very long time, but thank you for being so patient with me while I slowly let my guards down. I don’t know what you see in me, but whatever it is, I’m so glad you took the risk. #FeelingBlessed

Soon we will be living our lives we dreamed of since we started getting serious. We will finally live the life na lagi kong ini-imagine kapag hirap ako matulog. I don’t want to jinx it, but I can’t wait for that to be real. I can’t wait for that day na we can finally say, “We survived the distance!” Bubba, I won’t promise na it will be a smooth sailing life agad agad. Yes, there will be a lot of adjustments. Meron tayong kaiinisan na ugali ng isa’t isa. Maiinis ako sayo for something small. I will ask for space from you. Malamang sa malamang I will ask you to stop talking lol. Despite all those things though, it will be the best chapter in my life. YOU were the best thing that has ever happened to me

Baby I won’t promise you that I will be the best partner or wife (iiihh), because I will never be. But I do promise to learn everything I need to take good care of you

To the love of my life, happy 6 years and 5 months. I’m so glad I’m doing this LDR thing with you. Unti na lang. I love you so much!

From one lucky girl.

*Reposted from Wordpress - 21 August 2019

[cjtheintrovert]

I’m back again!

OMG andito na naman ako sa Tumblr lol. Kapag talaga hiyang ka sa isang bagay (or tao?) babalik-balikan mo eh. Ang last post ko dito is nung October 2016 pa. I was probably in my second year in my teaching degree at the time. Malamang naging super busy na naman kaya nahinto haha. Puro fitness pa more ako noon hahah. I did good kaya until I got busy.

Actually I created another blog in Wordpress. Kaso di ko sya feel. I don’t know. I don’t like it. On the other hand, I feel more safe here on Tumblr. There’s something about being ‘hidden’ behind the Tumblr handle that makes me feel safe.

Namiss ko magsulat. Magsulat ng kahit ano. Mailabas lang ung nasa utak ko. Namiss ko ang Tumblr. Hindi ako gagawa ng goal na magsusulat ako dito regularly, because I don’t think I can. Life happens. Pero it’s nice to know na I have somewhere to dump my thoughts. So, cheers for having a thought-dumping-place!

[fithealthfood]

[cjtheintrovert]

One of my fitness goals is to be able to run outside wearing a crop top and look good on it, not because I’m skinny but because I’m strong. 😊

[cjtheintrovert]

I've got myself a new set of weights yey! $15 na lang sya from kmart. 50% off dahil sira lang ung box. Kaya I love kmart so much hahah. Upon checking the contents, kumpleto so C is happy. This is my 2nd set na. Kasi nakabili na ko talaga neto a month ago when I started my FB program for full $29. Which is hindi na din naman masama. Your girl is happy na naman dahil may extra weights na ko. Can't wait to get even more stronger so I can lift heavier weights na.

[cjtheintrovert]

Checking in

I haven’t really blog a lot kasi supppeeeer busy with work and assignments. I had to use my time wisely to meet the deadlines. Mejo nawawala na ko sa track with my eating but hopefully next week maayos ko na ulit.

[cjtheintrovert]

One of the things I do to motivate myself into exercising first thing in the morning is to prep my workout clothes the night before. Para no excuses, its there na I just have to put them on. That way I won’t be spending so much friggin time deciding what to wear blah blah then end up not going kasi late na at mainit. Ya know my usual excuses. I like exercising/ working out early in the morning so I can get it out of the way and do my normal routine for the day. So at the end of the day I won’t be all this guilty Cee kasi I didn’t workout and just won’t work out kasi I’m tired and have to wake up early the next morning. The usual Cee.

- C

[cjtheintrovert]

Pamper Day

Today I decided to have a ‘me time’ so I went to Tropical North day spa. I got a package with 30mins detox cabin (instead of 45 mins cox I was late haha) + 45 mins whole body relaxation massage + 30mins Eminence facial massage and a scalp massage. Gosh I loved it! It was sooooo amzaing. Super nakaka-relax at nakaka-madam hahah. First time ko sa spa salon na yun and no regrets. It was my first time trying the detox cabin (sauna). I don’t know but it was kind of awkward for me at first hahah kasi I was just sitting there with just my underwear but it was so good. Sobra lang ung pawis ko. And sabi dun sa info it helps with weight management, burns off 300 calories (like wow!), reduces soreness, helps calcium absorption? and that’s all I can remember from the top of my head. But it was really great. The only thing I didn’t really like is my untied hair. Uncomfortable kasi nadikit sa likod kong pawisan. It wasn’t their fault, it ws mine. So next time, I will remember to bring a ponytail.

After 30 mins, nag-beep beep na ung cabin to let my therapist know I’m done. So I put on my robe and she was there at the door waiting for me. Can we just talk about her for a sec here? Di ko nakuha name nya though hahah. Anyways, she was suppperr nice and really calming pag nagsasalita. Siguro ganun talaga mga therapist? I don’t know ung Intsik naman na nagmamasahe sakin usually (sa massage parlors lang ako sa mall pumupunta noon para magpamasahe eh) hindi naman ganun haha. Yeah ang calming lang nya magsalita. She was like at the before she massaged me, don’t think about anything daw just think about breathing in and out and just relax. She’s really nice, relaxing and very accommodating.

So ayun nga I had a relaxation massage with her sa aking back and legs. I really needed those. Ang sarap nung pinahid nya sa katawan ko, parang hot oil ganun then my mga grains for exfoliation din yata. Super sarap talaga. I liked firm massage so tamang tama lang din ung pressure. Although, mejo nakulangan ako sa pressure nung minamasahe na ung calf and harmstring area ko mejo sore kasi talaga ung mga part na un. I think next time I’ll request for more pressure sa mga part na yun.

After the masahe, I had the facial treatment. It was also my first time to get a facial treatment at all kasi di ko alam ano bang perfect facial for my skin. I had the Eminence facial, which uses organic ingredients. Thumbs up for organic especially for skin care! Ok di ko sure exactly kung ilang ingredients ung pinahid sa face ko, I think 6? I lost count kasi. Or iba’t ibang ingredients nga ba yun. Ang fave part ko is during the exfoliation. Sarap nung scrub sa face ko with matching massage pa. Ay grabe! Saka ung mask very hydrating. Pati ung eyes ko tinreat. At the end of the session, she put like an eye cream saka lip moisturiser, may bonus pa! I would probably prefer na she talk me through the ingredients she will use para syempre may knowldge din ako. So maybe next time I’ll ask her.

Aaaannd lastly, after my session she treated me with an herbal green tea. Sarap lang and very relaxing too. So that was a plus!

Overall, it was an amazing experience. It was worth the $112.50 to spoil myself a bit. Saka super lucky kasi the package I got is usually $225 so great for them on doing those deals. I think I’ll be doing this once a month kasi its good for my wellbeing din. I’m really glad na hindi nasayang ung money ko kasi I can get quite hesitant when it comes to things like that kasi of course I’m exposing my skin and body to someone I don’t know which could be very uncomfortable for some people. So yeah I’m really happy and I can’t wait to go back again. 

Don’t feel guilty about spoiling yourself.

- C

[cjtheintrovert]

Soooo

I was trying some clothes kanina. Mga dresses na binili ko noon paaaaa na hindi ko sinsuot na kasi di maganda tingnan sa katawan ko hahah. I was smiling as I was fitting them hihi. Kasi mas ok na ko tingnan pag suot ko sila. Although hindi pa naman oa ung physical changes saken, ako pa lang naman kasi nakakapansin, it made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. Mas nakaka-motivate pa lalo kasi nakikita mo ung small changes na nangyayari. Actually hindi lang sa dresses ko, pati sa work uniform ko hahah.

This is not the only reason kung bakit I am changing my lifestyle. Its merely the side effects of it. Small incentives kumbaga. Kasi internally, I’m feeling so good. Yun ang mas kinakatuwa ko. Hindi na ko mabilis mapagod. I love sweating. Hindi na ko palaging inaantok. I always want to move. Hindi ako hinihingal pag gumagawa ng chores. Yun ung mga changes na supeer kinakasaya ko. Kaya I’m so glad I chose to change the way I’m living. I will never go back to my old self no matter what. Swear!

- C