It's Time.

Hello. The name's Clock Machenzy. I am a man made entirely of parsley. I have three legs (one for walking, two for sitting that I keep bent up behind me) and three arms (two regular parsley arms, one robot arm in back that retracts.) I have four eyes that I conceal with custom sunglasses. My life is dedicated to fighting enemies with my Parsword — a sword made of parsley, containing a tiny brain so that I can telepathically summon it to me. Being made of parsley has a few drawbacks, the main one being that I often lose control of my limbs.

[clockmachenzy]

Willyyyy is fine.  Everything’s good.

It’s been a long time since I last saw a computer, but my leafy fingers take to these keys like an old man on a bike — wobbly and a little confused.

[clockmachenzy]

Hostage Situation

It seems Willyyyy has been abducted.  He doesn't have any limbs and was fastened to a wall, so I really don't see how he could have wandered off on his own.  Guess I have to deal with this.

[clockmachenzy]

Something about May...I sense dark times ahead.

[clockmachenzy]

This "4/20" nonsense gets worse every year.  All these punks trying to smoke my limbs...I AM PARSLEY, NOT MARIJUANA.  Back off, because I have a sword and I am eager to use it.

[clockmachenzy]

Captured (cont'd)

Alright, where was I?  Guards.  Right.  So anyway it was the usual "drag-Clock-to-the-dungeon" type thing. So I'm in the cell and it was just like they didn't even try.  I was out of there in minutes and before they knew it, I had the Toad King's head on a stick (the stick being the Parsword).

Now, usually when I defeat the head of any major organization, everyone's pretty quick to disband, but in this case I had to fight my way out, and it took me a pretty long time.  Like, a whole hour.  It was ridiculous, you know?  I didn't even get to gloat; and after that, I was too tired to gloat!

I have to say, the small patterns that do exist in my life are very comforting at times, and when they're taken away, it's a bit of a shock.

Still, I defeated the Toad King, so...mission accomplished.

[clockmachenzy]

Captured

You might have thought I had stopped posting here due to a busier schedule (which is, of course, impossible) or loss of interest, but you would be wrong.  The truth of the matter is more complicated: I was captured.

Yes, it is possible even for me to be in a compromising position.  What happened was this:

I found a possible clue in the paper.  It was a long shot, but it turned out to be the right one.  I found the Frog King's headquarters, but just as I was drawing my Parsword, I was jumped by not one, but six guards.  Turns out this place was secured with very bored, very eager guards.

I have something to do now, so I'll continue this in a later entry.

[clockmachenzy]

Searching for the Toad King

I've looked at every newspaper in every place I can think of, but I have no idea what I should look for.  If any of you know where I can find a swamp dwelling, enormous (ten foot tall) Toad King, please let me know.  I need to get this guy before he does something...

[clockmachenzy]

A Note About Pillows

It should be mentioned that my dear friend Willyyyy, the wall calendar, has a girlfriend.  Her name is Shabamm (two "m"s) and she is a pillow with a face.  She is very proud of her independence, which is very understandable considering she was able to grow arms — complete with hands, fingers, and opposable thumbs — out of sheer willpower.

Anyway, she doesn't come around much because, ever since she grew her arms, she's been on the move.  She dropped by today to tell Willyyyy and me about her latest adventures.  She's only a pillow, so she counts on us to remember things for her from time to time.

It's nice to hear from her, but I really need to focus on taking down the Toad King.

[clockmachenzy]

Clue Hunting

I won't be doing any fighting for today, that's for sure.  The effects of the cereal are still wearing off.  This gives me time to look through all the newspapers I can find online.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll stumble on a clue.

Willyyyy tells me he'd make me food if he wasn't a wall calendar.  Thanks buddy, but after this cereal thing, I don't think I'll be listening to any of your dietary advice for a while.

[clockmachenzy]

Disoriented

That cereal must have had some kind of weird reaction with my herbal intestines, because I am very disoriented at the moment.  I've been hallucinating that the world is covered with light, semi-weightless baby carrots...

Despite this, I'm fairly certain this is a simple mistake and do not suspect foul play.

[clockmachenzy]

Flawed Victory

I rematched the giant salamander today and defeated her, but she wouldn't tell me the location of the Toad King, so I had to start hacking off limbs with the Parsword.  I took off all four legs and her tail before she said one word: "Newspaper" and died.

Now I'm in a pinch.  Which newspaper?  What section?  What should I even be looking for?

[clockmachenzy]

Bad Mood

For those of you who don't know, I've got a wall calendar named Willyyyy (four "y"s) who begins each sentence with "Soo...when I was young..."  You can imagine how annoying this can be, but I pride myself on self-control.  Anyway, this morning he suggested that I try a special cereal so I could defeat that giant salamander.  I don't see how more fiber in my diet will help, but it's worth a shot.

[clockmachenzy]

Long Day

Almost lost my robo-arm in a fight with a giant salamander.  She'd clipped a razor to her tail.  Very clever.  Had to retreat.  Going back in tomorrow.