I’m a member of a number of cloth diapering communities on facebook - in some I’m the only guy (the co-ops and B/S/T groups) and in others I’m part of an extremely small minority group of male participants.
There’s an overwhelming undertone of sexism in many of these groups. I’ve learned to ignore much of it, because it doesn’t effect my daily life. However, recently there have been a lot of questions akin to “My husband won’t change diapers, what can I do?” “Are there any dads out there who actually LIKE cloth diapers?” “My husband won’t let me use cloth, how can I convince him?” And then I see statements like “My husband tries to do the laundry, but I’m afraid he’ll mess it up, so I don’t let him.” or “I don’t ever let my husband diaper our kids, he just doesn’t do it right.”
All of these things make my skin crawl - for various, differing reasons. Many of them probably go so much deeper than the diapering issue and are actually likely deep seated relationship issues - or societal issues. But I don’t know these people. I only know my own situation - so that’s what I’ll tell you about.
I’m a primarily work-at-home Papa of a 2-year-old daughter. (Though I do work outside the home for a few hours a day, I’ve been able to bring my daughter to work with me since she was 3 months old.)
It was my choice to cloth diaper. I did all of the research. I do all of the buying. I construct our wash routines. I lanolize our wool. I scout Etsy for WAHM diapers. I join the communities. My wife does not belong to any cloth diapering groups on facebook.
I was an official “judge” in the 2014 Great Cloth Diaper change. We’ll be participating again this year.
I do all the laundry in our house. I also do all of the cooking. My daughter has a small version of our vacuum. She points to the full size one and says “Papa’s vacuum” and then points to hers and says “Indie’s vacuum.”
I do all the grocery shopping. I also know how to use coupon apps. Recently I had a woman who was checking me out inquire “Oh, your wife taught you how to use Cartwheel?” - “No, my wife wouldn’t even know what Cartwheel is”, I silently said to myself.
We don’t live a radical life. We live a very equal one. My wife has a more “normal”,more lucrative job - so she goes to work on a regular weekly schedule. She’s excellent at keeping track of our mortgage and taxes and other math things that I despise.
My daughter will grow up knowing that women can do whatever they want and they should expect their partner to work with them to ensure that everyone is happy, healthy and fed. Our son (who will be making his grand appearance in May), will grow up knowing that men can nurture and care just as much as anyone can and there is no shame in doing so.
The correlation of sex having something to do with the ability to run a washing machine is groundless. If you think somehow women can do this better (or men can’t get it right), that’s a cop out or a control issue. The same thing goes for putting a diaper on a baby, cooking, shopping, cleaning (as well as home maintenance, auto repair, renovation, etc)
We all have strong points and if you want someone to learn how to do something, teaching them with patience and support usually gains the best results. This means belittling or treating someone like a child usually isn't the way to win friends and influence people (and yes, I do think that “Daddy’s guide to diaper washing lists” fall into that category - but that’s my personal opinion).
Remember that if you’d like your son to become the kind of man who would wholeheartedly agree to use cloth diapers on his own child, you need to include their father in the process now.
And for those guys who really are protesting changing diapers (be it cloth or disposable) - these are YOUR children. Come to a mutual understanding about how your kid is going to be diapered and share in the responsibility.
