I sometimes wonder if there had been any regard for the fact,
how things came to be, what that conversation was like, how it went, the conclusion met -
I felt weird, of course, but I remember I didn't care. or did I?
I look back now and realize that maybe I did.
maybe there were questions I wanted to ask,
a bit more detail that I wanted to know.
perhaps, that I didn't, is what I had tried to tell myself.
it's how I usually cope with things I'm afraid to accept.
now that I'm in what some people say is the best decade of your life,
I've learned that one of my greatest strengths is the ability to convince my own self that I'm okay.
and it's not one of those fake, surface-level, temporary I'm okay-s but rather,
I'm actually able to control my mind and thus my situation in such a way
that I truly am okay,
that things really do end up being just fine.
the way that my brain and body have somehow mastered this skill through hardship, struggle, disappointment, heartbreak, etc. -
it's probably a kind of defense mechanism I've subconsciously learned,
kicks in in situations where I fall at the risk of not being okay,
because... I know myself, and I know that I'd never be able to handle
not being okay.
because I know that if I ever ended up in that state,
I would lose myself, and probably a lot more.
it acts to guard me, protect me, elevate me,
and keeps its buff active even if I'm not consciously aware of it -- kind of like an app running in the background -- for as long as I need.
for as long as I need to truly be okay.
it helps me reach that point where one day, after x amount of time has passed, in a random moment of a random day, perhaps a quiet daylight stroll or a late-night revel in company, you realize:
time truly does heal.
but, I guess, as time passes and this buff wears off (as all (good) things come to an end),
I'm left with little lingering feelings not significant enough to categorize my situation into the not-ok compartment of my brain,
but not entirely into the opposite either.
on some days they feel as strong as that striking feeling of dread when you initially have to decide how much a situation is going to affect you
(before the mechanism kicks in, the decisive moment or moments),
and you feel like the world is crumbling down on the square footage of space you, specifically,
are standing on.
and then on another day, once again, you don't feel anything at all.
literally nothing. so nothing that you honestly just feel like a crazy person (lol)
I had a conversation with someone recently
he told me that this year, he wants to focus on just keeping the status quo
in his life.
because without any grand goals, just making it through the days
can already be an incredible feat on its own.
as someone who always felt pressure to always be working toward something, this felt nice to hear, like a nice indirect pat on the back.
I guess then, you could say life is about just constantly trying to be okay.
and sometimes you won't be okay.
but you just have to bring yourself out of there and just try to be okay.
then you'll actually be okay.
okay? okay. (repeat)
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