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@cocaineandrepo
Back with more shit
For all the time Shin tried to imitate Sou Hiyori, he could never truly become his old friend, even at his darkest moment. The reason for this can be traced back to a key difference. Sou loves to see a girlboss winning while Shin can’t stand girlbosses.
a grave of your own making
Catch me going ape and decking senior citizens in the Styx pit
Hhhhh the Styx concert got cancelled
Not sure if there’s any other SouShin shippers on here but new blog just for SouShin!
“Honesty and Introspection; Narrative, Parody, and Duality”
It’s not what I know of you
That fuels my...
(Obsession?
Compulsion?
Need to know everything?
To control everything?
To get the upper hand
On the one
Who had the upper hand
On me?)
It’s the fact
That I was just starting
To fill in the picture of you,
Painting by numbers
Clandestinely
Archiving the subtext
Behind your over-structured dialogue
And your ever-unchanging expression,
You somehow became
More unknowable
The more
I came to know you.
I know
That people “like you”
Do this
To create distance
Confusion
To remain unknowable
I have done the same.
However,
It’s the fact, that,
Despite my cognizant counter efforts,
You managed to discolate my jaw
And prop my mouth open
While you poured that awful liquid
Down my throat.
Twisting my breasts until my nipples bled
And after I swallowed
You threw me out of your car
You threw my jacket on top of me
And sped off onto the highway
Leaving my gaping lips
To collect rainwater
I lay there
For three hours
The saccharine aftertaste assaulting my tongue
Opening, closing my lips,
Extending my tongue
To taste the rain;
Waiting
For some final moment
To happen;
For some light
To manifest
And signify
It was all over
The light never came
Eventually,
I sit up
I shove my fingers down my throat
And let the rain
Wash the vomit into the sewers,
The evidence dissipating as quickly as it had arrived
Who would believe me?
I call a taxi
And return home
Before my roommate does.
He enters at 3:15AM
Showers,
And envelopes himself In his comforter,
Looking at his phone for a while
Then abandoning it
And falling asleep.
As he snores
I remain paralyzed in my bed,
Facing the wall,
Perfectly still.
I wonder
If my roommate
Has noticed.
I wonder
If the chemicals
Have been purged from my body completely
I don’t know if I will wake up tomorrow.
I do.
And
I wake up
Full
Of
Tar.
My goals,
My motivations,
My passions,
Have been completely replaced
With the quest to uncover all your secrets
To see you
In your raw form
To comprehend
The exact form of ugliness
You have been all along.
You block my number
When you realize I’ve survived.
You delete me from all media
As if you never knew me
At all.
And who could prove you otherwise?
You’re smart
Im smart
Thus begins
A mutual struggle
For understanding
Who
Each
Other
Are.
I can’t prove it
You may or may not know this.
But please know
That I am the last girl
You will ever
Do
This
To.
The police sirens are a method of communication
Even when I lived
Almost a mile from here
You joked about the ubiquity of police sirens.
Sometimes it’s crime.
Once a pawn shop robbery,
Once it was the harassment of a young college girl.
I live up the hill
From a massive intersection.
I hear
The crunch of metal
The scream of the impact
Almost nightly
When someone cannot see the new lane divisions
And merges too quickly.
Sometimes, often into another car.
Always followed by sirens.
-
Three semesters ago
A man overdosed in my neighborhood.
I thought he was simply high
Off a fresh dose of heroin.
(So insidious in this city)
Maybe he found it comfortable
To lay his head on the rocks
I shove my fingers under his nose
And I feel nothing.
I run to my apartment
And call 911
“There is a man unconscious on my street
He probably needs immediate medical attention
I couldn’t sense him breathing “
I hide behind my blinds.
I refuse to be the hero.
At the same time, I am also completely spineless.
I watch
Clandestinely
As they cover the man in a white sheet
And roll him into the ambulance
Somewhat different sirens
Than I’m used to.
This isn’t a college town.
This is the poorest city in Connecticut.
This is rich college kids
Living on a hill
Adorned with dogwoods and cherry blossoms
While only a mile away
People are shooting up
In the Oak Grove Cemetery
They are well aware of the irony.
They are smart people, mostly,
Just with particular tastes.
I graduate college in one week
And I’m a godDAMN mess.
I can’t even remember my junior year.
They tell me to be proud.
I feel more like the people on the city green
Who didn’t expect to wake up
But kind of wanna push their luck.
Sometimes, I think I’m only here because of the luck.
Okay I love how u can change one letter in a post and it completely changes:
WE ARE SYMONE STANS FIRST AND HUMANS SECOND!!
“Your cast fits me quite comfortably”
Your personality
Is quite comfortable.
The smug shyness
The unflappable sureness
How your simplicity
Cast a thread to me
Drawing me in, a fish on your line
Paralyzed yet squirming.
Being you is nice. I see why you do it.
Your disguise
Fits me beautifully
Near perfectly
A costume
That Parodies
Yours?
I feel disfigured
And beautiful
By your design
You starve me.
You know what you’re doing.
You dangle the steak
In front of my twitching nose
And rip it away from my gnashing teeth.
You know
Your prey.
Many people own the make and model car you drive.
I know the statistics
But I don’t even
try to deny
The fact
That only you
Own that Connecticut license plate.
Let’s be honest
What are the odds
That a random stranger
With the same make and model of your car,
The same lisence plate
Has parked outside
My apartment complex
At midnight.
I’d love to ask you what the fuck you think you’re doing.
I’m afraid of what you’d do to me
If I unlocked my doors.
You’d be gone before police arrived.
You’d make me look crazy.
I already look crazy.
I say I don’t care
But crazy people
Cant obtain much of a future.
I desperately grasp at any semblance of my future.
Thus, I cannot appear crazy.
Sometimes
I think
It’d be better
If you
Simply
Killed
Me.
Killing me isn’t your string suit.
You’ve already failed once.
we are simone stans first and human beings second!!
This but extra bc it’s trans day of visibility
My brain says that dangerous and I need to know it all
My heart says he’s amazing and and the drugs tell me to call
My gut says something’s very wrong, my feet tell me to run
The electric shocks inside my hands just want to have some fun
Somewhere behind my naval I just want to understand
My soul just wants the story, wants an answer, wants a friend
My sneer thinks it’s poetic that I did this to myself
My memories won’t stop replaying putting me through hell
Adrenaline when I look back, my body wants to panic
My fight or flight is telling me to stop him and it’s frantic
The dopamine comes only when I justify my rage
My muscles somehow weighed down with the burden of the shame
My stomach is all twisted, want to purge him from my body
I’m already exhausted cause there’s no chance that it’s stopping
My jaw still feels off kilter and I know that I’m still angry
But I’m hardly on my knees because I think that this will save me
“Honesty and Introspection; Narrative, Parody, and Duality”
It’s not what I know of you
That fuels my...
(Obsession?
Compulsion?
Need to know everything?
To control everything?
To get the upper hand
On the one
Who had the upper hand
On me?)
It’s the fact
That I was just starting
To fill in the picture of you,
Painting by numbers
Clandestinely
Archiving the subtext
Behind your over-structured dialogue
And your ever-unchanging expression,
You somehow became
More unknowable
The more
I came to know you.
I know
That people “like you”
Do this
To create distance
Confusion
To remain unknowable
I have done the same.
However,
It’s the fact, that,
Despite my cognizant counter efforts,
You managed to discolate my jaw
And prop my mouth open
While you poured that awful liquid
Down my throat.
Twisting my breasts until my nipples bled
And after I swallowed
You threw me out of your car
You threw my jacket on top of me
And sped off onto the highway
Leaving my gaping lips
To collect rainwater
I lay there
For three hours
The saccharine aftertaste assaulting my tongue
Opening, closing my lips,
Extending my tongue
To taste the rain;
Waiting
For some final moment
To happen;
For some light
To manifest
And signify
It was all over
The light never came
Eventually,
I sit up
I shove my fingers down my throat
And let the rain
Wash the vomit into the sewers,
The evidence dissipating as quickly as it had arrived
Who would believe me?
I call a taxi
And return home
Before my roommate does.
He enters at 3:15AM
Showers,
And envelopes himself In his comforter,
Looking at his phone for a while
Then abandoning it
And falling asleep.
As he snores
I remain paralyzed in my bed,
Facing the wall,
Perfectly still.
I wonder
If my roommate
Has noticed.
I wonder
If the chemicals
Have been purged from my body completely
I don’t know if I will wake up tomorrow.
I do.
And
I wake up
Full
Of
Tar.
My goals,
My motivations,
My passions,
Have been completely replaced
With the quest to uncover all your secrets
To see you
In your raw form
To comprehend
The exact form of ugliness
You have been all along.
You block my number
When you realize I’ve survived.
You delete me from all media
As if you never knew me
At all.
And who could prove you otherwise?
You’re smart
Im smart
Thus begins
A mutual struggle
For understanding
Who
Each
Other
Are.
I can’t prove it
You may or may not know this.
But please know
That I am the last girl
You will ever
Do
This
To.
You go home
To your loving family
(Believe me, I know
Rumors come back to me-
Your parents are loving
Your sister is kind
Your home is happy
...
Environment is not the explanation
As to who you are
And what you do)
And at the same time
I return home
To an absent minded father
And an abusuve mother
And the narritive I receive
Follows as such:
“You aren’t cute enough
To be [redacted]”
Cute has nothing to do with it.
My experiences
Have everything
To do with
The fact that
I play the part
Of a naieve, weak girl
One who
(Admittedly, accurately)
Would never contact the police.
One who swears revenge
But never acquired the means
To follow through.
I’m weak, yes.
I can admit this now,
Without using it
To excuse my cowardice.
I just ‘am’
You just ‘are’
You can never erase the link between us
But for you
It may suffice
To simply
Forget
You ever
Met
Me.
I’m sure it helps you sleep t night.
It’s been almost two years now. Allow me to reflect-
You still occupy
Some portion of my mind
Every
Single
Day
The evidence
Washed off
My skin
By my own, willing hands.
My friends believe me
(Or do they?)
Ive lied so much
To those I should have trusted
Id understand
If they have no basis
To find my stories fact.
Sometimes
I’m not sure
Exactly what is true;
I know the narritive
By heart
Yet
I’ve tailored the truth
To the tastes
Of every person present
During my
Collapse.
I’m not a victim.
I’m not a predator.
I’m... a bystander?
To my own destruction?
Your home looks
So warm.
Your dreams delayed a bit by a worldwide crisis.
How do you feel
So safe
So protected
Just paces away
From where
You left
Me
To
Die
?
Invitiation-1
Hey, my 6:00 class is cancelled today, wanna hang out later?
-Sounds fine, I get out of work at 5. I’ll take a shower and text you a little before I come over
Cool! if it’s warm enough, do you wanna take a drive down to the beach?
-I’ll keep the roof down in the Beemer if its nice out.
Hell yeah! drive fast and let the wind mess my hair up beyond repair
-You asked for it ;)
Well, looking forward to seeing ya and eating all your cheez-its
-Nuh uh. Cheez-its aren’t free. Not even for pretty girls.
oOoOoOoOo you think i’m pretty?
-The distinction is moot, you’re paying 10 cents per cheez -it either way
I paid so much more