Back home, Támar took a chance to use her alumni status and blocked out a few hours in the Diamond's practice studio. While she had rested plenty in Selvadorada, she was wired up mentally and in desperate need of something to relieve the stress that was building.
It could only be through dance, and since the stage was not an option at this time; a cold and empty room with mirrors that didn't lie and slow jams blasting would have to do.
No one who knew her would believe the sight. These movements were probably the slowest Támar would ever make, but they were calming. Bits and pieces of her happiness creeping back in with each move her body made. For the first time in a long time, she watched herself without picking herself apart, without needing to find perfection or correct herself over small missteps.
Of course, like most spaces on campus, the dance studio never stayed empty for long. Though, she couldn't say she was mad about the interruption or the interrupter.
It took them some time, but by the end of Támar's sophomore year (Te'Asia was a junior), they'd called a truce and became the dynamic duo of the Diamonds. Though Te'Asia originally hated to admit it, nobody was touching Támar as a dancer... not even her, and it became very beneficial to team up as eventual co-captains rather than tearing each other down 24/7.
They still fought, as most young women with heavy competition do. But, overall, they formed a very unlikely bond and semi decent friendship.
What Te'Asia found commendable about Támar, and the type of woman she was; even if she didn't like you, if she knew you were fit for something big or important, she put you in position to take it. This was the case for Te'Asia, who'd gotten pregnant her junior year of college and was immediately cut off by her parents. At the time, Támar was doing different small performances and some of them she couldn't accept because of how hectic her schedule was becoming as her star rose. Knowing how great of a dancer Te'Asia was, and how badly she needed income to take care of her child, Támar passed every job she couldn't take to her 'nemesis' without a second thought.
When Támar finally got too sick to continue with Jamee's tour, she immediately called on Te'Asia to come in and take over her position. No gloating, no 'you have this because of me', and no thanks ever needed.
Just a friend helping a friend.
And now, whether Támar realized she needed it or not, was Te'Asia's turn to be that friend helping a friend.
Yes, Támar could always go to her family with her troubles and the things she faced and dealt with. And, in her own time, she would eventually. But sometimes, first, she needed an unbiased opinion from someone who would listen first and only give advice IF Támar asked for it.
Te'Asia had no problem with listening and not speaking. She actually preferred it. Sometimes you just need to be heard. Támar often did the same for her.
Before she got started, Támar made it a point to reiterate that she was indeed feeling better. Taking better care of herself and eating (as she was certain this was going to be a constant question from her dance family).
One could assume, and it'd likely been said, that Támar had developed a disorder. Not out of vanity, or concern about her figure. She'd always been small, and moving like a Tasmanian devil across stages night after night helped with keeping fit. In fact, she wouldn't even consider calling it that. Hell, she hadn't even noticed until others began pointing out her habits.
Starting in the winter of 1989, Támar had begun struggling with her feelings about her father after his death. She went back to campus at the beginning of 1990 thinking she was perfectly fine, that she'd come to terms soon enough. She had not. Then began the issues with Kerri. While she didn't overly stress, another responsibility she took on became helping with Samir when she could. Then, that summer, her mother got sick out of nowhere. Selena, of course, recovered quickly but Támar soon began to feel like things were just piling on one after the other.
And, for some reason, she would not allow herself to stop and breathe.
Then, that fall ... a surprise pregnancy. Hard to grasp, as she and Dominic had been very careful. And then, as they'd grown excited, it was over. And there was nothing anymore.
At the time, she couldn't put the feelings into words. But there was a hole that sat empty. And eventually, without her realizing, it began to fill with feelings and thoughts she could not understand. She did not dwell on them.
She did the same thing she did when coping with her grief about her father. She worked. And worked some more. And worked even more after that. Assured Dominic she was fine, he seemed fine too.
What others around her began to notice is the way her once full appetite became a habit of picking at her plate or pushing it aside altogether. Pretending she'd eaten before she got around anyone else. Little bites here, a granola or energy bar there, but never truly enough.
(It got to where the only person who knew for sure if/when she actually ate anything filling was Dominic, because she'd told him she was fine and she had to make herself be that way in front of him. He worried enough, she did not want to cause more stress.)
If she had to be honest, after a certain point, she didn't sleep much either. And through it all, she had no word for the feelings, her actions, or the things she was thinking along the way. Only God knows how she made it so long without falling out before her last full show on Jamee's tour.
At that point, she could no longer hide behind the facade she'd worked so hard to keep (after repairing it from the first time it broke).
Though she's not proud, the stretch of time she held it together (from mid-Spring 1991 until end of Summer 1993) was a good stretch in her opinion.
She couldn't be seen through this perfect view she worked so hard to curate any longer, but for the first time in a long time she felt okay about that.
She was getting it together now. Támar would be okay, one day.
