inner-workings. @comatose-erection - Tumblr Blog

at some point you have to realize that you actually have to read to understand the nuance of anything. we as a society are obsessed with summarization, likely as a result of the speed demanded by capital. from headlines to social media (twitter being especially egregious with the character limit), people take in fragments of knowledge and run with them, twisting their meaning into a kaleidoscope that dilutes the message into nothing. yes, brevity is good, but sometimes the message, even when communicated with utmost brevity, requires a 300 page book. sorry.

breathing like my mother.

I am carrying a sadness that comes from mourning. A death of something in my life that was both a source of happiness and security, but also a cause for tension and unnatural indifference. It was a necessary death, but the pain and sadness that comes with is not- or no, it’s necessary for such an occasion but I wish it would dissipate faster. And so when my mind decides to involuntarily replay how you took one last look at me before saying goodbye, - in that way that I could tell you were trying to etch every last detail of me in because you knew once you stepped out that door, the bond between us would begin to callous over and never be the same.. and how you allowed your eyes to well up with tears, as if they were the last gifts you’d bestow me of your tender love- I cannot help but heave a deep sigh. Breathe it out. Extinguish the thought. Resurface from the dark. I cannot help the sound that escapes me every time. It’s a dragged out “ha” sound. It is like the remnants of a scream from my deepest self that’s bounced off the walls of my cathedral heart, only to escape my body as a wispy wind. And while it is a new sound that only occurs when the waves of my emotions become too turbulent to suppress, it is familiar.

My mother would heave these sighs constantly. Up until I moved out, they were how she breathed. I wonder what great sadness she was mourning.

#personal #writing #9.4.2022

i’ve seen you cry about 3 times in my life. and the fact of the matter is, i’ve seen you cry more times these past 3 weeks than the past 4.5 years i’ve known you. you’re hurting and put on a brave face, and those tears escaped despite your efforts to restrain them. and what sucks, is i’m half the reason for those tears.

#personal #me #9.3.2022

smokeinsilence

have you ever noticed you pick up little habits and phrases from the people you love? it’s no wonder our hearts are so easily broken when people leave. we become a reflection of the people that we care about and those personality traits stick with us even if the people don’t

viridianmasquerade

I make my ramen the way a friend taught me in eleventh grade. Every fall, I listen to a playlist made for me by a boy I drove across a border to hook up with. I eat sushi because a girl who won’t talk to me anymore made me try it, and Indian food because my best friend’s parents ordered for me before I knew what I liked. There are movies I love because someone I loved loved them first. I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, even for a heartbeat.

desu

prokopetz

Media sometimes uses a snarky butler as a sign of a weak or ineffectual employer, but man, if I had that kind of money, I’d pay extra for a butler who was quick-witted enough to just burn me to the ground at a moment’s notice.