wrong reactions are my specialty @concentratelikeorangejuice - Tumblr Blog

I see the words “I know he would never hit me/physically harm me” in a lot of letters I get. Far more than I could ever, ever, ever answer or publish. Those words break my heart, every time, because the people who write them are offering them up as an example of how the relationship can be saved and how I shouldn’t judge their partner too harshly. They mean “he’s not ABUSIVE-abusive (even though he does all these abusive and controlling things to me). I’m not like those abused women, I would leave if someone actually hit me.” They break my heart because the letter writers have had to do the calculus, the calculus called Would He Hit Me? and they offer the answer up as proof that he wouldn’t but all I can see is proof that he almost did, that he’s thinking about it, that he’s a week or a year or a hair’s breadth away from it. It’s proof that she’s thinking about it, too, that she’s had to do the math. Nathan wouldn’t hit you, but he’d punch a wall in front of you, so you can see the force of how his fists slam into things., so you can see how hurt his hand is afterward, so you know that the damage is your fault. When I read those words about how the partner doesn’t harm or hit, I can hear the echo of the guy saying them, too, like “Well, it’s not like I physically hurt you! Come on! Be reasonable (and do what I say)!“(Mentioning how “at least you don’t hit” someone kinda sorta exactly like reminding them that you could hit them, that you might hit them, that hitting them is on the list of possible things that could happen, you are a fucking goddamn hero of a man for making the difficult heroic choice not to. Someone saying this to you should always make the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and prompt you to look around for the exits). And then the letters, like your letter, contain the most heartbreaking question of all, which is how, how can I be better/fix it/make it right/not make him scary and angry anymore. How can I be perfect (give up caffeine), how can I show him (check in with him by cell phone every time I change locations or company) that I’m worthy? Because the abuser-logic has worked. “When you make mistakes it’s your fault, when I make mistakes (like scaring you) it’s also your fault.” Someone doesn’t have to physically hurt you to harm you. People in non-abusive relationships don’t have to do this constant calculus. Non-abusive dudes don’t get described as “intimidating” by their girlfriends, because non-abusive dudes, even the big strong burly ones who might look pretty intimidating to a stranger don’t intimidate their girlfriends. They don’t punch walls, or throw things, or put 10,000 tiny conditions around everything, or monitor their movements or their phones. When those dudes feel lonely, they fucking call a friend, or they muddle through those lonely feelings. Non-abusive dudes don’t pat themselves on the back for not hurting women, because it doesn’t occur to them to hurt women.

Captain Awkward #640: “I Know He Would Never Physically Hurt Me” and Other Fairy Tales. (via 5000letters)

#abuse #relationships #intimate partner violence

nursenotes

1. Fist: Make a fist around the epi-pen, don’t place your thumb/fingers over either end

2. Flick the blue cap off

3. Fire. Press down into the outer thigh (the big muscle in there), hold for 10 seconds before removing (the orange cap will cover the needle). Bare skin is best but the epi-pen will go through clothing. Avoid pockets and seams.

- Ring an ambulance even if everything seems to be fine!

sassyjavert-deactivated20151015

Oh my god. So as someone who has to carry an epipen EVERYWHERE I am so happy to see that there’s an info post about them. Like in the extreme case that I can’t inject myself, somebody else would have to do it, but nobody knows how to do it! Thank you, this may just save my life some day.

dontbeanassharry-deactivated201

Don’t be wimpy about it, either. I know friends who are like, “but idk if I could stab you with a needle!” Please stab me with the needle, don’t be hesitant about it.

In my case (I can’t speak for all allergies), an epi buys me 20 minutes of breathing to get to the hospital. It is not a magic bullet, it’s a few critical minutes to help get me where I need to go.

#epi pen #allergies #health #psa

stuffman

People have written a lot of touchy-feely pieces on this subject but I thought I’d get right to the heart of the matter

pervocracy

This is 1000% more motivating than every preachy “real writers write every day” post on all of Tumblr.

#motivation #support #art

Tagged by budgerigorous, feeling bad that it took me this long to getting around to posting again!

1. why did you choose your url?

It’s based on a pun told at a show in DisneyWorld, one of my favorite places on earth.

2. What is your middle name?

Sadly, not “wait for it”

3. if you could own a fairytale/fictional pet, what would it be?

A tamed polar bear would be pretty amazing. But, polar bears are in no way fictional. So...quite possibly a Warg, or one of the giant caribou the elves rode in the last Hobbit movie.

4. favorite color?

Warm, light gray.

5. favorite song?

Knee-jerk response would be We Laugh At Danger and Break All The Rules by Against Me!, probably

6. what are your top three fandoms?

Supernatural, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, aaaaaaaaand...Jurassic Park

7. why do you enjoy tumblr?

Several people here who I really adore keeping in contact with, and who are amazingly understanding about the fact that I’ll randomly disappear for weeks on end

8. tag 9 of your tumblr crushes and get them to do the 8 questions too

not gonna tag anyone because it’s been weeks and this has already probably circulated a lot ^___^;

#personal

cheesetriestohelp

loveisrespect

No foolin’ here!

#april fools #support

Ranting ahead

I am not in a good mood right now.

This month has been very stressful for me. Not just because it’s the month in which my birthday happens to fall (which is extremely triggery for childhood reasons), but for a list of other reasons. See:

My mother has decided to move, and I’m the only family member around able/willing to help her. She has lived in the current house for 30+ years, and is going NUTS. She is convinced that my helping her move does/should trump everything else I’m trying to get done in my life, academics included.

Due to the stress of said move, my mother is being more emotionally manipulative and abusive than she has been in years. This has hit me like a ton of bricks, because for a while there I genuinely thought that my relationship with my mother was improving and that we could have a normal mother/daughter relationship. Apparently I was very, very wrong to let my guard down like that, and it lead to me making some very bad decisions in the interval (like allowing her to put my car in her name “for financial reasons”)

The project I’m on has exploded, and suddenly they want 3 years’ worth of deliverables to be done by October. I’m being moved to 40+ hour weeks this coming summer, in a windowless room, doing work that is almost entirely irrelevant to my degree and that frankly should be done by a team of undergrads (or their own fucking developers!) rather than one graduate student.

In the next two weeks, I have a dissertation critique due, an exam, and two major presentations.

Because my mother has gone so fucking crazy, my boyfriend will no longer be able to move in with me (she still wants him to, but since she technically owns my apartment I am not willing to expose him and our relationship to her antics. She has begun really, really overstepping boundaries, and refuses to acknowledge this or discuss it like adults, telling me to “get over it” because she’s my mother and that’s just how it is)

This week was my spring break, and I spent the entire time moving stuff and cleaning, while still trying to keep on top of my projects. My boyfriend went camping in Arches.

And the straw that has broken this camel’s back just occurred.

My boyfriend got back into town on Friday, and last night I decided to make us dinner (stir fry). Afterward, I told him that I was really sick of cleaning (I’ve been doing it for almost a week straight) and asked if he would do the dishes since I made dinner. He was pretty tired, so I said it was fine if he did it this morning instead.

So far, he has spent today doing homework and watching Archer, while I alternated between carting stuff back from my mother’s house and hiding in my room because I’m having anxiety attacks. As of 3PM the dishes were still not done, so I gave up and did them because my rice maker was starting to get crusty and the oil was congealing on the pan.

And it’s like, fucking hell, I asked you to do this one thing to help me out, and you couldn’t even get around to doing that. I didn’t nag, I asked once, and I asked nicely, and you still couldn’t deign to help with one single thing while I’m trying to juggle everything else.

And I’m not going to bother trying to discuss this with you, because you’ll just give me a blank look like you do every time I try to have a serious conversation with you. I know it’s just how you are and how you communicate, and 90% of the time I’m fine with that, but it will make my head explode right now.

#personal #rant #navel gazing

wicked-naughty-diva

#bear #miscellany

#cw: self injury #just general trigger warning #personal #cw: sexual assault #cw: rape

scaronhiatus

[Self Care via Productivity:

One of the reasons why we avoid things is because the ‘start-up’ cost is too high compared to the pay off. Breaking tasks into smaller activities (that you may or may not chain together) can help significantly reduce the start-up cost, making you more likely to do not only the first smaller task, but the entire thing.]

This is especially helpful for those of us who struggle with executive processing issues (which a lot of people with PTSD do.) Instead of “I need to study”- start with “I need to open my text book.” “I need to read the first paragraph.” and smaller tasks like this.

Instead of “I need to clean my room” pick one task to start with “I need to bring a garbage bag in here then I can throw away the trash.”

Don’t pressure yourself to continue the chain, just one task at a time. Most people find it significantly easier to continue the chain so long as they only continue to focus on what the next small step will be.

#I can personally vouch for this approach #self care #trauma #mental health #support