Confessions Of An Angry Barista

I am in my twenties and I work at a coffee shop. I make a billion lattes a day. I also eavesdrop and judge everyone that walks in the door. This is a collection of those judgements.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

ICE(D) ICE(D) Baby

*pouring hot milk into paper cup and calls out drink*

“OH, you know what, I meant to get this iced. Did I not say iced?” 

Bitch, why would I steam milk and make you a hot drink if you ordered it iced? I’m not Stalin, I don’t just do whatever the shit I want. OH and next time, as the only person waiting for a drink, maybe not wait until AFTER your drink is done to tell me this?

I hope a whole, solid iced cube goes into your lung.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Sugar Sugar, How'd You Get So Fly

" Can I get a quarter packet of splenda in that?"

What the shit is a quarter packet of splenda gonna do for you? And would you even notice if I put an eighth? And how did you even come up with that measurement? Were you like:

Day 1 entire packet - OMG this is disgusting now. I can't drink this soy, sugar free hazelnut douche-coction with, like, a hundred packets of splenda.

Day 2 half packet - NO. Take the devil's latte away from me!

Day 3 quarter packet - *picks up phone* Seriously, Kelly, this latte that I invented is the bomb DOT com.

You inhale more sugar just standing by the espresso bar but what the fuck ever Goldilocks..

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Go Ahead And Tell Them Skinny Bitches

"It's great and all that you guys sell actual coffee beans here but you should think about carrying organic coffee beans instead, you know, if you really want to call yourself a true coffee shop." 

HEY. We don't. We don't really want anything - except to win the lottery, invest well to make more money so that we can grab a handful of non-organic beans to shove up your fucking nose, quit and to never have to talk to your B12 deficient face ever again.

.....And Chris Evans...because who DOESN'T want Chris Evans...

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Shake It Off

Anyone that works in retail around the holidays knows that Christmas in America is run by the devil.

To my fellow "retail associates" across this sometimes great nation, there is a (dim) light at the end of the tunnel. Holiday season is over. Now, of course, it doesn't mean that people will get any nicer, you coworkers will get less lazy or that you'll like your job any more but just think about how you won't have to listen to "Santa baby" 17 times a day, make eggnog lattes or listen to people complain about having to wait in line on Christmas Eve when they have families to get home to while completely ignoring the fact that you're working on said Christmas Eve for a pretty dismal amount of money - so little in fact that you might as well pay your company to work there.

I digress. If nothing else, take solace in knowing that there are others out there like you; that understand your pain, hate and utter bitterness toward a society that doesn't understand that just because you're not in someone's position doesn't mean their frustrations aren't valid.

They're valid to me.

Also, just decaf that hoe. Bless you friends across the globe and may 2015 bring you better days!

<3 Angry Barista

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Turn Down For What

Female customer: I want to get a small cappuccino

Female barista: Okay. Anything else for you?

Female customer: You're very easy on the eyes.

Female barista: Oh, okay. Thanks, that's nice.

**Awkward pause**

Female barista: Your total is going to be $3.00.

**Hands over $3**

Female barista: Cool. Thanks again.

Female customer: Easy on the eyes, okay?

...one SOLID minute later...

Female barista (to other barista): OHHHHHH, easy ICE. Easy on the ICE for the cappuccino. Well that was uncomfortable for all parties involved.

Also, WHO THE FUCK ORDERS AN ICED CAPPUCCINO?

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

What's My Name?

"Can I get your name?"

"UGH, it's Ken. That's K. E. N."

Unless you're a cast member from "12 Years A Slave" or an NFL player on the Detroit Lions, don't spell your name out for me like I'm a God damn fucking moron. Oh THANK YOU sir, I was about to spell Ken with 3 O's, an ampersand, a hashtag and a fucking umlaut until you spelled it out for me.

And to reiterate: I don't care if your name is fucking Satan, I'm not asking because I want to know. I'm asking for it because I'm trying to make sure your dumbass doesn't pick up "Steve's" caramel latte (even though you ordered an iced coffee).

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Where The Wild Things Are

A woman walks through the front door and stares around at an empty store, while a single, lone, barista stands in front of a cash register.

"I can help you right here, ma'am."

"OH MY GOD. I don't know where to go. This is so confusing."

Oh, okay. Let me help you. Walk 46.8 feet to your left. Click your heels twice. A magical gnome will appear. He'll then give you a ride in his wheel barrow into the sky where you will wish your order upon a shooting star that will appear in the form of Lindsay Lohan's career in 2002. He will then drop you off back into the store where you will complete this transaction.

Or you could go up to the ONLY FUCKING PERSON IN THE STORE STANDING IN FRONT OF A CASH REGISTER YOU SACK OF SHIT.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Lost In Translation

"I want coffay lattay."

"Is that a coffee? Or a latte?"

"COFFAY LATTAY."

"Ugh, okay. What kind of milk do you want?"

"Mew? What mew? No mew."

"No. M-I-L-K. Whole? 2%? Nonfat?"

"No no. Yes fat."

"Ummmm. What???"

"Moo moo."

I had a rant for this, but just...you know what, forget it. Just...fucking forget it.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Over There

"Charles, your cappuccino is ready."

"Fantastic. Where is your sugar?"

"It's at the condiment bar, by the exit."

"WHAT? Why is there no sugar right here for me? Why is it all the way over there? It's so far!"

*silence*

"Do you not see this dilemma? It's ALL the way over there. And I have to walk ALL the way over there with my drink, just for sugar! It should be here for me."

*continued silence*

"IT'S TOO FAR! I don't want to have to carry my drink all the way across the store! Who designed this place?!"

The lord Jesus designed this place, Charles. He thought, in the middle of this epicenter for unnecessary caffeinated consumption, I am going to fuck cappuccino Charles in the face by putting the sugar station 10 feet away from the pick up station.

It's not like you have to walk through a desolate desert or fight fucking dragons to get your sugar. You just have to be competent enough to not spill shit on yourself before you get there. OR you can not be a complete fucking ass clown and just put the drink down at the table you ALREADY sat down at, go get the sugar, and bring it back.

But you'd have to NOT be a fucking twat face mother fucker to do that.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

I've Got The Power

"Can I get a cappuccino?"

"I’m sorry, due to the (obvious) power outage, we can only get you iced coffee or iced tea."

"So I can’t get a cappuccino?"

"We don’t have any power…so we don’t have a way to turn on the espresso machine…which also prevents us from pulling espresso or steaming milk."

"So no cappuccinos….?"

You know what? Actually hold on. Let me saddle up the magic unicorn I’ve been storing in the backroom and have it piss glitter and rainbows to generate magic energy to power up this espresso machine to make you a fucking cappuccino.

NO you fucking ass clown, no cappuccinos.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Give It To Me

Me: Oh I'm sorry, your card isn't going through, I can try it again.

Bitch: I don't know what that means.

Me: It's not processing, did you have another way you wanted to pay?

Bitch: What?

Me: Your card was declined.

Bitch: Why?

Me: Our system is pretty basic here, it doesn't tell us why. It just says that it's declined. I can print you out a receipt to show you what it says.

Bitch: YEAH. GIVE IT TO ME.

OKAY - HOLD THE FUCK UP.

First off, I'm not capital fucking one. I don't know about your god damn finances. I'm sorry that our systems here aren't advanced enough to tell us that you're a moron. It only lets us press small, medium, and large coffee buttons.

Second off, I just told you I would get you a receipt so don't get your declined card ass panties in a twist.

Third off, go fuck yourself. If you can't figure out why you don't have sufficient funds to pay for a something that costs $4, I should legally be allowed to fart in your mouth.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Deuces

Hey,

If I'm not wearing an apron, it means you don't exist to me. For the love of Cher, don't come up and complain to me about trivial things like not having the kind of sugar you want or talk to me about how much your white ass loves pumpkin spice. I'm off work bitch, save your bullshit for your cats (no disrespect to cats).

The second I clock out for the day, fuck off.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Say My Name

"Can I get your name for the order?"

"Oh my God, you always ask me that. Shouldn't you know it by now?"

A) Who the fuck are you? Beyonce? Because you come in here maybe twice a week, at 8 o clock in the morning along with 150 other people and order a generic drink. You're not attractive, engaging or particularly nice so WHY the fuck would I remember you?

B) I wear a name tag and your stupid fucking face still doesn't know my name, so suck my nuts.

C) Also, we don't ask you for your name because we want to know it, we ask you for it so that we can differentiate your stupid fucking drink from the other 18 that we have to make over the next 5 minutes.

D) Congrats, now I know your name. You shall henceforth be called "The fucking asshole whose coffee I want to shit in."

So there that is. Nice to meet you too.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

GOT MILK?

"Good Morning. How are you today?"

"Yeah, let me get a large latte."

"What kind of milk did you want with that?"

"What do you have?"

"Whole. Non-Fat. 2%. Half and Half. Soy. Almond."

"No rice milk?"

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

First off, good fucking morning to you too.

Second off, does this look like the fucking milk aisle at the douche market at the center of pretentious town? How many God damn milk options do you need? What is your contention with being reasonable? And if you have some sort of extreme allergy to all of the standard milk options, drink fucking coffee. Or juice. Or water. Or stay the fuck home because the WORLD is not going to be eclectic enough for you.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

If It Was Me Reading The Signs..

I don't remember the girl behind the register asking you to put your dick in her mouth so stop winking and starring at her like she did. She fucking asked you how your day was and then got you a cup of coffee because it's her job. She's been up since 5 in the morning, hates her life and thinks about Ryan Gosling's face during her entire shift. So unless you're Ryan Gosling, quit being sad and creepy and go to work asshole.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

No, NO, by all means sir, come in and set yourself up at one of our small tables, like we're a fucking rent-a-center and this is your office space. Please scatter your failed screenplays, unpaid bills, laptop and 16 cups of coffee everywhere so that we may, too, experience the chaotic sadness of your life.

Then sit here for my entire shift so I have to watch you and your mess while my fervent hatred boils over. Fuck you dude. Just fuck you.

[confessionsofanangrybarista]

Dollar Bills Ya'll

I'm not a stripper (props to strippers), don't toss a crumpled up five onto the counter and look at me funny when I don't immediately rush to unroll it.

I don't take a handful of coffee beans and make it rain onto your stupid fucking face, so don't do that to me. Give me money in a normal, human way and I won't want to shit in your cup of coffee.