Hiai to Melancholy

"I peel off my frail consciousness slowly, so my footsteps won't make a sound. I become ash, scattering into tiny pieces. It's only this, nothing more... Without a trace."

[purplebuddhaproject]

“People will leave you, but that doesn’t mean it is your fault.”

— (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[straightboyfriend]

hardest thing to learn during recovery is….. some of your misery is your own fault. you have to actively choose to stop wallowing in your own pain & start to recover. that means stop being self deprecating, start taking care of yourself, start eating healthy, start taking your hygiene seriously, even if it’s hard. & it is hard! but you must.

[choicelessflope]

does anyone know the struggle that you really need someone right now, but all your friends are busy or not responding, but you’re scared you’ll do something destructive if you’re left alone now, yet you don’t want to tell them that cause it sounds manipulative, so now you’re kinda just like ????? or am i like way more fucked up than i thought

[caininvestigations]

This shit pisses me off. Just because a person has bipolar disorder doesn’t mean that a) their actions are because of the bipolar, b) all people who have bipolar are the same and c) people with bipolar or other ‘psychotic’ disorders are not always out to hurt you. In fact, they’re more likely to harm themselves. Shit like this is why there’s such a stigma in mental health, and why it’s not talked about enough.

[you-look-good-sober]

“Addiction begins with the hope that something “out there” can instantly fill up the emptiness inside.”

— Jean Kilbourne

[consacre-coeur]

Perspective is everything.

My partner and I were just talking about Instagram as a platform and shit and it got me feeling like scrolling my profile as ya do and even though I’ve already gone through everything and deleted all my “fat” photos but still when I look at ones that were taken say 2 years ago, compared to now I look “fat” but I am roughly the same weight which is still under bmi 18.5. So like, nutrition is everything guys. Gotta.Stop.Looking.At.Old.Photos.

[openmind-6323]

Shout out to the “recovered” anorexics who never actually recovered.

When your doctor says your fine, when your therapist says you don’t need a follow up appointment, when you start lying and putting on a fake smile instead of asking for help because people only gave a shit to the extent that your issues effected them.

Everyone says you’re okay but really you’re back to starving yourself for that small euphoria of feeling empty, for that moment when the scale reads even an ounce lighter.

When “recovery” really means you just stopped asking for help because no one gave it to you when you begged and pleaded and told them something was wrong with you.

[consacre-coeur]

Holy fucking shit today was a motherfucking day. I am emotionally fucked. I could feel myself coming down the past couple of days and it hit hard this morning. I kinda pulled myself out a little bit during the day but very quickly fell back in. I’m learning how to deal though. Actually got caught having one of my screaming fits though which is a first. I’m always wondering why the fuck none of my neighbours are calling the police or checking to see what’s going on but then I realise I live in the hood and this is normal. When I was flatting and in the “nice” area of my city people came round and checked what was going on *shrugs* but anyway the guy that saw me is pretty fucked himself and has had several breakdowns in our driveway while cooked so y’know.

Anyway, I only have one day of fortisips left. I do have two more months worth on prescription but I don’t know if I’ll order them. I’m pretty over drinking them but also I know with my metabolism and activity level I can’t really afford to lose 600 calories a day and I know that I’m barely gaining on what I’m eating now but a part of me is like, “yussss I get to cut out 600 calories without doing jackshit” which is my dumb ED brain but I also am having intense feelings of wanting to lose weight. Like I just want to lose weight so fucking bad. I can’t wait til after I’ve given birth so I can just drop all the weight but I’m also worried about my all or nothing mindset and if I will be able to stop before my body begins to fuck out. Idk I just want my purpose back and something that brings me genuine happiness which is pretty fucked but I’ve never dealt with those feelings around weight loss. To be honest when I think of my “ideal self” in terms of positivity and who I want to be, I always want to be underweight. I can’t even fathom being comfortable with myself if I’m not significantly underweight, even with everything I could ever want and dream of, I’ll still want to be thin. I’m just fucking tired.

[consacre-coeur]

I can’t believe how much food you can eat for 2000 calories. What the actual fuck? So.Much.Food.

[light-inthe-crack]

The sad truth…

You’re not going to love yourself at your goal weight.

You’re not going to love yourself at 10 lbs under your goal weight.

You’re not going to love yourself at any weight until you learn to love yourself at any weight. And yes, that includes where you are right now.

[hope-recovery-strength]

“Is this relapse because I have a real mental illness or self sabotage to seek attention and avoid life because I’m actually afraid of success or self sabotage because I hate myself or self sabotage because I’m stupid and incapable of recovery?”

A 5 part series by my brain

[bluehairedunicorn]

Therapist: You’re a nice person

Friends: You’re a nice person

Family: You’re a nice person

Me: Yeah but what if I’m actually shit

[alicesadviceblog]

I am really depressed!

I am really really depressed about all the misinformation floating around in the ana/ed community and honestly, it starts to make me angry and I don’t like being angry at all because it’s an awful feeling but I feel like I need to speak out about this!!

Please, pro ana blogs, stop spreading half-lies and awful and dangerous advice to your followers. So many asks I get about how long you should endure cold baths to lose weight, if a 4 day water fast with 2 hours exercise a day will make them skinny or why chew/spit or purging is frowned upon since it’s ‘not that bad’.

Now I don’t mind answering those questions. Actually I love answering those questions because I can prevent someone from putting themselfs into danger by believing false information and educate them on how you really lose weight in a more safer way, but it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart so see sometimes 11 year old girls causing harm to their bodies just because they trusted a blog on tumblr that told them to sit in an ice bath for 2 hours.

THAT is promoting disorders. THAT is the thing that gives our community, a community that for most parts just wants support and searches for validation and understanding, the bad reputation it has. I don’t see anything wrong with talking about your suffering. even if you openly starve yourself whilst of course that isn’t good, I don’t think just because you are not ready for recovery yet you shouldn’t have a place to vent about your feelings and find support. I think it’s important to make aware not just of people who died or people who recovered but also people who are going through this right now and if some people would might take the time and actually read the blogs and try to understand what’s going on, it could take away a lot of harmful stigma around eating disorders. But if you post things like ‘having cold bath burns calories’ or ‘freeze and go out without jackets in the winter to burn more calories’ I lose a lot of understanding for you. Even if you might not know it better, it takes one google search, just one, to prevent so much harm.

Please people, educate yourself on things that you read on tumblr. Sadly there are many people on tumblr than knowingly and activly cause harm just for fun. If you believe what they say and spread it around, you are activly causing harm to yourself but also to others. I made this blog to educate people, I learned this stuff in school for years and yes, in a way nutritions and cooking are my passion and something I love dearly, and there is nothing that makes me more depressed than seeing all of these young girls putting themselfs in risks for nothing.

I’d like to do something against it so feel free to spam me with every quesiton you have about weightloss or calorie burn! I admit I might not know everything but I studied it profesionally for more than two years, one year in a school that was specifically for that and high end gastronomy in general and I if I don’t know something I read up on it or get my hands on books about it because I take this very seriously.

I would never forgive myself if I knew I could have done something to prevent a unnessecary death of a person that had so much happiness still waiting for them. And you do, all of you. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy again and as long as I exist and will be able to post on this blog, I will always try my best to make you see that and realize what an amazing person you are.

Sorry for the rant, I am quite the emotional person and I can’t stand seeing things that harm others.

[thicc2sticc]

*makes a long ass post full of tips and tricks and motivation to starve yourself*

btw guys these are all only meant for myself!! i dont want anyone else to follow these tips!! i totally couldve just kept these to myself and not post them for literally everyone to see but yeah theyre totally just for me guys stay safe uwu

[consacre-coeur]

So I weighed myself this morning. No comment. But my old therapists voice is ringing in my ears, “you may have gained weight, but you are still underweight” like bitch I know but not as underweight as I was last time I was weighed y’know?

[misanthropicspite]

[misanthropicspite]