Consuming My Mind

The things my friends can't know

[consumingmymind-blog1]

HIM...

I never thought that I would be that girl, the one stuck in this relationship that is so toxic, violent, abusive and degrading. But yet there I was stuck in this relationship justifying every wrong move he ever made. I told myself he really did love me, he really does care, he didn't mean to hit me, he was just upset he didn't mean all those hurtful words. But no man who loves you should ever lay a hand on your beautiful skin, scar your heart, make you feel trapped or even like your worthless because I promise you there are so many great and kind men out there who would cherish your every breathe and would only try to make it better, try to fix what the man before him broke, even though it wasn't his job. Your beautiful and your strong and your better than any man. 

[consumingmymind-blog1]

It’s been nearly 2 months since the last one. Sometimes I get these urges and I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't lie, but its so hard to let people know that I still die inside.

[dare-2-b-u]

The worst is when your throat burns because you want to drink until you are numb, your skin itches because you want to ruin it with a blade, and your heart aches because you want nothing more than to disappear.

[consumingmymind-blog1]

Okay?...

I honestly don't know how people do it, How they can get up and everything me okay? I can't tell you how hard it is to act like I'm okay, how hard it is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend that I'm not breaking and falling apart inside. I Pretend I'm strong for everyone else, just to make it easier. It might be easier for everyone else but in the end I lay in bed crying myself  to sleep because I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to be the reason someone feels worthless, I don't want to make anyone think that its just them that can't fix me,beacuase thats not the truth no one can and its so hard to put on the fake smile and put on that fake personality and act like nothings going on. I hate that I'm lying to him, But I just want to make him happy, the way he smiles and they way his eyes sparkle in the sun just fill be with happiness and I'm okay to pretend everything okay if in the end its for him, because I'm telling you he deserves the world and his feet and everyone serving him. I just can't stand to see him hurt and upset. I love him and you do what you have to for the people you love.

[a-half-hearted-smile]

sad blog

[consumingmymind-blog1]

Thoughts

Sometimes I lay here at night and think... not about how happy I am or could be, but rather the things that torment my mind as I close my eyes at night. Each second is living a nightmare, and no matter how hard you try to fight it; its like a ripple effect it starts with one and then turns into a hundred. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to lie about the amount of thoughts I have, I wish I didn't have to keep them to myself, but I know that know one can really handle the amount of baggage I really come with. I wish I didn't have to lie to the person I love the most about how many times I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish I could burst out in tears and it be socially acceptable for me to be so fucked up? But one can only dream for a time when things become normal.

[bled]

[sorrowbby]

My scars are fading but the pains still there.

(via sorrowbby)

[consumingmymind-blog1]

I don't know when it all started, i can remember the first time I cut myself, but i can only briefly remember why I did it, I was so upset and everything was so out of my hand, so out of my control I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, at this point in time i was so emotionally bottled up I hadn't cried, I hadn't talked about my feelings. And at the time thats all that seemed logical although it probably wasn't. But the gratification that was obtained was so different to any pain I felt, I controlled it, I controlled how much, how big, how often and at the time I felt powerless and completely out of control. And by doing it it gave me that power and each cut was like everything that was bottled up under my skin could escape and i wasn't to built up. I think the one thing that know one understands is, its not what everyone thinks its a complete addiction its like a drug and without it you get withdrawals. But I don't know the reason I started it I never wanted to do that to myself before but like I said my life was all sorts of messed up at that time, and you do crazy things when your not in the right mindset and I guess that just me, And its just a slow journey back, i can't just instantly cut it out of my life, but slowly cut after cut you learn to grow distant from it, but i guess sometimes its just a habit so you go back to what you know.

[consumingmymind-blog1]

Sometimes it’s easier to act like someone your not then to let everyone know how you really feel. Feeling are hard and confusing, they consume your mind and control all of your thinking, makes you think the worst brainwashes you, clouds your judgement. Gives you know room to think its consistently there always at the back of your mind. Its life consuming.

[consumingmymind-blog1]

Stop letting other people define your happiness, create your own happiness... be the reason YOU smile

[consumingmymind-blog1]

I'm addicted to a thing that has the ability to end my life... How comforting

[surviving-hero]

[poems-and-words]

[poems-and-words]

Book of the day: Night Road by Kristin Hannah

Get the FREE Kindle Reading App

[dare-2-b-u]

The worst is when your throat burns because you want to drink until you are numb, your skin itches because you want to ruin it with a blade, and your heart aches because you want nothing more than to disappear.

[justanotherteenstory-blog]

“If someone tells you to change yourself, tell them to go fuck themselves.”

― Ed Sheeran (via justanotherteenstory-blog)

[edsavedmylife]

I’m so proud of you.