25.07.2028

25th of January 2023 I decided, that on my 30th birthday I will take my life.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until: xxx idek

Days just melt in to each other.

It goes on and on and on and on...

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until: 718

Worst part of living on the 10th floor is that the way out is always too close to home.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 722

Got closure for a something. Not the closure I wanted but regardless got something.

If it wasn't this silly stupid blog I made to give myself time to think.

I think I would honestly kill myself at this exact moment.

Life is not worth living in my eyes.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 725

Turned 28 last saturday.

Officially older than quite a few my favorite artists got to be.

Officially older than Ōba Yōzō at the ending of No Longer Human.

Still young, but when your thoughts are riddled with nihilistic thoughts and suicidial tendencies. I'd assume it'd age your brain faster than the average.

A bit less than 2 years left, but do I have to wait that long? Can I wait that long? Can I actually do it when the day comes?

If I had to answer, "probably not" would be fitting for all three questions.

I'm just pretty tired.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 762

It's been a few years since I wrote here. I wouldn't say my decision has necessarily changed, but I still am not sure if I have the mental fortitude to go through with my plan.

I wouldn't say I've been suffering these past few years, but these past few years haven't given me anything to look forward to either.

Might, might not. All I know is I still don't want to grow old.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 002

I don’t have enough energy for this day.

I just want to sleep the sadness away but I can’t fucking fall asleep even if I wanted to.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 003

I'm tired. Extremely tired.

My emotions have been all over the place today, and with no good reason either. First I feel happy and content with my life. Then just a couple hours later I feel like life isn't worth living and I just hurry up and do it.

Honestly, probably never will have the guts to actually off myself. It just gives me some solace to know there's always a way out.

We'll see how this develops. I got few good things in my life, but everything feels so unsure I dare not to celebrate yet.

I liked it more when I didn't feel anything. Now I seem to feel everything at once.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 004

Todays post came a bit late as it's actually over 12pm already.

Today was a suprisingly good day, all things considered.

I'm starting to feel loved again and it's keeping my spirits up.

I just hope it will stay this way.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 005

I don’t know what I feel.

It seems like things could be getting better.

On the other hand, I think it’s just me being wildy too optimistic once again.

There are days when I feel completely fine. Even though lately they seem to be rarer and rarer.

Like everything else. This too will come to pass.

I just wish I could be okay all the time.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 007

This is going to be short.

I’m wasted as fuck. I almost wanted to do a part 3 yesterday.

For the first time in 2 weeks I’ve actually felt okay. Even though she said she didn’t want to see me this weekend she invited me to come clubbing with them yesterday.

I just feel like I’m the happiest man in the world whenever I get to spend time with her.

I really love her.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 008

I feel empty.

Today I felt odd. I kept thinking about todays post and what I would write, and for a moment I felt how embarassing this is and of course I’m not going to do it after reaching 30.

That all lasted for approximately one hour.

I came home from work and it didn’t take too long for the indescribable sadness, loneliness, emptiness to settle in again.

I wish I could change. I really do. I’ve just been miserable for so long I don’t know anything else anymore. I’m going to be suprised if I really make it to 30 at this rate.

I hate being in love. All I’ve ever gotten from it is hurt.

I hate love, because no matter how hard I try I manage to ruin everything. Always.

[counting-days-until-suicide]

Days until suicide: 2 009

I am not well.

Taking my own life has been the only voice in my head for days, weeks, dear god how long.

I’ve been more or less depressed my whole life. I also have ADHD which definitely doesn’t help.

Today I decided that I will take my own life on my 30th birthday if I haven’t gotten better.

I honestly would want to kill myself right now, but I’m too cowardly for that. So I’ll give myself at least sometime to either get better, or just find the courage to finally just fucking do it.