Wake Up, I'm a Hero!

He/Him | 18 | Probable NPD & DID | Alterhuman

[cowboy-number-one]

Intro Post 💥

QUICK INFO:

🕸️ Cain/Jinx

🕸️ He/Him

🕸️ Adult

🕸️ Undiagnosed NPD + DID & Psychotic. Cane User/Chronic Pain Sufferer.

🕸️ Actually Undead & Divine

This is a super secret side-blog I use to discuss the grimmer parts of my mental health away from those I see in my life regularly. If you find my other blogs, keep quiet!

My asks are open for literally any topic, I don't bite. If something is too personal, I'll simply delete it, no hard feelings. I'm always happy to help or elaborate where I can. I actually love interaction, I just have a tone issue!

Sensitive content will be discussed, but tagged appropriately to be filtered and will have content warnings on the top. You may interact with vents & reblog if they're relatable, but be cautious/use best judgement.

I block freely. Not frequently, but as I wish. Don't block evade.

[psychotic-tbh]

(Tw for brief mentions of mental health struggles)

It may take some time and patience, but…

It IS possible to survive hallucinations and thrive.

It IS possible to survive paranoia and thrive.

It IS possible to survive suicidal ideation/attempts and thrive.

It IS possible to survive mood swings and more extreme, long-term elevated moods/mental states and thrive.

It IS possible to survive intrusive thoughts and thrive.

It IS possible to survive SH and thrive.

It IS possible to survive SA/CSA and thrive.

It IS possible to survive traumatic experiences and flashbacks and thrive.

It IS possible to survive depression and thrive.

It IS possible to near-constant panic attacks and still thrive.

It IS possible to survive through cognitive changes and changes to your abilities and still thrive.

Your mental illness is not the end. Your disability is not all that you can be. Your struggles will not end you inherently.

It IS possible to find acceptance. It is possible to find people who care about and love you or to grow to appreciate your inherent self worth.

It is not a moral failing to struggle. You’re lovable. You’re valuable. You’re alive, and that alone means that you have a chance in this world.

It’s going to be okay. Hold on, it’s okay to find that balance between rest and fight for a better life, in whichever way that best fits you.

Don’t give up.

[psychotic-tbh]

This!!!!!

Also it is possible to survive a toxic or abusive relationship!

[neverwonderneverremember]

sleep is stolen time. don't let them take it from you anymore. tonight. we are staying up. til one billion o clock.

[gentlewordsdaily]

hey.

if your chest feels tight, if your thoughts are spiraling, if everything feels a little unreal or too intense right now: this is for you.

nothing is wrong with you.

your body is reacting like you are in danger, even if you are not. it’s sending out alarms, flooding you with adrenaline, trying to protect you. it’s just… a little confused right now.

and i know it feels scary. i know it feels like something is very, very wrong.

but this feeling as overwhelming as it is, cannot hurt you.

you don’t have to stop it.

you don’t have to control it.

you don’t have to “win” against it.

just let it be there, as uncomfortable as it is.

try to soften one small thing.

maybe unclench your jaw a little.

maybe drop your shoulders half an inch.

maybe take one slow breath, and then another.

that’s enough.

you don’t need to fix everything right now. you don’t need to figure anything out. this is not the moment for answers or decisions or clarity.

this is just a moment to exist through.

your thoughts might be loud. they might be telling you something is wrong, or that this won’t end, or that you can’t handle it.

you don’t have to believe them.

thoughts during panic are not facts, they are just noise your brain is making while everything is heightened.

let them pass. you don’t have to chase them or argue with them.

your body is doing something temporary.

even if it doesn’t feel like it, there is a limit to how long your system can stay in this state. it will slow down. your heart will settle. your breathing will ease.

it always does.

you have made it through every wave like this before, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.

you can get through this one too.

right now, focus on the smallest things.

the feeling of your clothes on your skin.

the ground under your feet.

the air moving in and out of your lungs.

you are here.

you are safe enough in this moment.

nothing is chasing you. nothing is about to collapse. nothing urgent needs to be solved right now.

you are allowed to pause.

you are allowed to take this one second at a time.

and if all you can do is sit with it and breathe and wait for it to pass, that is more than enough.

you are not weak for feeling this.

you are not broken for experiencing this.

you are a person with a nervous system that got overwhelmed and that happens.

be gentle with yourself right now.

imagine wrapping yourself in something warm. imagine being somewhere quiet, with no expectations, no pressure, no need to be anything other than exactly how you are.

you don’t have to be okay yet.

just stay.

stay through this minute.

then the next.

i’m really, really glad you are still here.

[outnumberedsins]

what is a side system vs sub system vs layer? ive heard multiple definitions of subsystem and im confused (I'm sorry if this sends multiple times my wifi is bad)

No problem! All of these terms are very similar and rely heavily on inner structure. I hope this helps:

'Subsystem' can mean multiple things. The first meaning refers to groups of alters that are somehow linked together and separate from other alters somehow. This could be a group of alters very similar to one another, ones with better communication between one another, or separate in other ways. Subsystems may reside in specific areas of the innerworld or have a separate inner world themselves.

The second definition refers to 'alter-in-alter' subsystems. Think of it like a russian nesting doll - an alter has their own alters. These subsystems may have their own innerworlds and struggle with communicating with those in the main system when fronting.

The third definition is an overarching term for any groupings of alters, including layers and sidesystems. Basically, it's a catch-all term. This definition is the most common within clinical literature, so when reading them, it might be confusing.

Here's an attempt at a visual representation:

The larger subsystem has good communication with the rest of the system and resides in its own area of the innerworld. These parts could have all split to deal with the same specific trauma and are considered a subsystem because they sort of stick together.

The smaller subsystem is a possible example of an alter-in-alter subsystem. The part that's inside the main system may be the "host alter" for that subsystem. Their innerworld is disconnected from the main one and may have communication difficulties.

'Sidesystem' can refer to a programming-specific phenomenon where programmers specifically create programmed parts somewhere completely separate from the main system. I'm using this definition because it's what I was referring to in my previous post, and I don't feel like debating if non-programmed systems can have structures that are similar. In literature, this is seen referred to as 'Left' and 'Right' sides of systems, but they don't necessarily have to be right next to each other. Despite the name, they don't have to be left/right, that's just how some people describe them.

Sidesystems typically have their own innerworld and are used by programmers to keep programmed parts hidden and separate from the main system or those that deal with day to day life. Sidesystems themselves can be layers. There may be one or two higher ups that can travel between sidesystems.

A notable difference between sidesystems and other groupings of alters is the amnesia level. Amnesia barriers between sidesystem alters and non sidesystem alters are huge. While there can be amnesia between other groups, the whole point of sidesystems is to create a completely separate "system," and thus, very heavy amnesia is present.

An attempt at a visual representation:

Sidesystems have no connection with the main system. This can be changed through integration of course, but as a base, they are completely seperate. Ideally, none but a couple alters will know about each other.

'Layers' refers to groups of alters that are separate from the main system, often "stacked" on top of one another. Despite the name, they don't have to be stacked. That's just how some people describe them. Layers are very common within polyfragmented systems, especially programmed systems. Layers often have their own themed innerworld, for example, a city or forest. Alters are typically separated by purpose or other split patterns and may have communication difficulties with other layers. In programming, layers are often seen within sidesystems or are sidesystems themselves. There may be some connection between layers.

An attempt at a visual representation:

In this, there are three layers stacked on each other. The main system has a connection to the layer below them and may be able to communicate more easily. The layer above, however, has no connection, and it may require a higher up part to communicate with them.

As you can see, all of these terms are very similar and can overlap with one another, and all can exist within the same system. At the end of the day, use what you are most comfortable with. Do you just want to call everything a subsystem? That's fine. If you like the specification? That's also fine.

For example, one person says "I kind of visualise it as descending 'containers' of alters. Like it goes, 'sidesystem -> has multiple layers -> has multiple subsystems.' but I know that that isn't everyone's experience."

Another says, "I can't be assed to specify what kind of group it is. I call everything a subsystem. It works for me."

All in all, I hope this helped. Let me know if you have any other questions, and I'll do my best to answer them.

[respirgender]

if a flag for these already exist, consider mine to be alts. no energy for IDs, sorry! flags made by alex (it/⦻/ark/he).

solar eclipse themed PD flags.

ASPD, AVPD, BPD

DPD, HPD, NPD

OCPD, OCPD, PPD

STPD, SZPD

[respirgender]

if a flag for these already exist, consider mine to be alts. no energy for IDs, sorry! flags made by alex (it/⦻/ark/he).

solar eclipse themed PD flags.

ASPD, AVPD, BPD

DPD, HPD, NPD

OCPD, OCPD, PPD

STPD, SZPD

[cowboy-number-one]

Not sure if this is a cluster b thing, but I often don't feel like much of a person.

People know me by the persona I choose for them and whatever symptoms I'm comfortable enough to unmask.

But when I'm by myself, there isn't some secret real me. I've fairly flat affect, I'm only excited by my special interests and occasionally a hobby, and I get annoyed when things don't go to plan. Otherwise I don't express much personality at all, and most of what people point out is just distinct lack of one or a survival instinct/trauma response.

[exssaviour]

I can care about your feelings, but I first need to care about you.

[cautionramen]

Something that bothers me so much as a pwnpd is when like, you know the disorder is disordering and your thoughts have turned that unique kind of toxic and hateful, and you don't want to inflict that kind of hurt on your loved ones so you reign it in as best you can and even give a warning telling them not to poke you because you might not be able to control what comes out of your mouth. So they take that as an Invitation to poke you repeatedly and try to get you to tell them every toxic cruel thought you have about them, as if it will reveal the Real You and every kind or caring thing you've done before was just a front to hide the Truth from them, insisting they can handle it as if you won't take everything they're sensitive about, all the knowledge you've collected, and rip them to shreds. And if you do snap, if you don't just sit and bear it, you're the villain. There's no winning.

[cataplat]

cooking with trauma

[funnier-with-narcpd]

handing this to u

oh my god this is 100% accurate i can say this as a professional npd haver

[anglaised]

literally this like every time i even hint of dealing with more severe symptoms ppl get up in arms and im considered a high functioning autistic person like how do yall think about and treat the low functionin ones when me speaking vaguely about what i deal with sets yall off like

[genderslurry]

we’re not ???? ambidextrous?????

[cowboy-number-one]

The system keeps trying to make a chronic pain holder and I'm going to need it to lock one down because I cannot keep dealing with ambitious fragments interfering weekly. Do not front whilst I'm doing something just because I'm in pain... only to not have an idea what you're doing.

Giving the brain big watery puppy dog eyes can be we please fuse some fragments together and make an actual Guy™️.

[butler-of-the-skies]

Certain ideas like delusions and hallucinations may not be real but the emotions & feelings and experiences tied to them very much so are.

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

by the way. telling people to not use ableist language isn't silencing abuse victims or taking away their language.

narcissist abuse is just emotional abuse but with an ableist coat on it. i don't care if people don't think emotional abuse counts as real abuse, why not advocate for seeing emotional abuse as valid abuse instead? you are just playing into the "emotional abuse isn't real" crowd by saying narcissistic abuse instead.

and if you are advocating for narcissistic abuse to mean abuse at the hands of a narcissist and/or someone with npd(instead of it being a synonym for emotional abuse), then my question is why do we need a word for this? and there is no unique or special way for people with narcissists or pwnpd to abuse someone. because woah! would you look at that? it is just emotional abuse.

we live in a shitty ableist world which will use any excuse to harm those with mental disorders. i don't care if someone has the best intentions, i don't care if someone genuinely doesn't mean to implicate pwnpd when they talk about narcissistic abuse, it will still hurt us, so get over yourself and fucking stop.

and before the "narcissist doesn't equal npd!!" crowd comes in, i don't care about your language games, fuck off. but even if we accept that statement as true, people with npd will still get harmed by such language. npd and narcissism are and will always be linked to eachother. if you talk about the evils of narcissism, people will connect it with npd.

even if we change the name of npd it won't help. dissociative identity disorder is still widely known as multiple personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is still widely known as socio/psychopathy. why would npd be any different?

(and idk. i think it is kinda shitty to be like "hey let's change the name of a disorder because i am too stubborn to say selfish instead of narcissist!!")

edit: if this wasn't clear, stop saying narcissistic abuse because it hurts pwnpd! you already have plain ol' abuse, emotional abuse, hell, even selfish abuse too! telling someone to stop saying narcissistic abuse isn't silencing anyone from talking about your abuse when you can literally just change one word and be fine! holy shit