I love helping people. I love being helpful. It makes me important and useful! They can’t possibly leave/replace me so easily if I have some use to them. And it makes their perception of me positive :) so I build a good rapport. Everyone’s more likely to love me and look up to me. And if I’m in a predicament, they’re more likely to come to my aid. So much benefits for keeping up this mask.
Drawback is that I can’t be my authentic self, especially if people have befriended me for the mask version. And being nice to people who genuinely piss me off—it would be nice to just let go and go off on them. But that would risk screwing up my image (unfortunately).
On one hand, they love me and think highly of me! On the other hand, they don’t actually think that of me. They love me for who they think I am: the perfect personality that I have slowly crafted over the years. But when they see me for who I really am? Suddenly they no longer love me—it’s as if they never did. I am the object of contempt and disgust. Even if my intentions were good, I am seen as a pest—an infection—a virus.
It all falls apart and they all drift away as if they never knew me. Once I am no longer perfect I am no longer worthy of their “love”. How can anyone be as foolish as to consider that “empathy” and “unconditional love”, when the main condition is that I become whatever they want me to be? It’s all conditional if you ask me. One wrong move, one negative emotion—and suddenly I’m irredeemable scum. I’m not allowed to be upset or agitated, or else I may “scare them” or set them off. I have to carefully choose how I present myself, yet they can do whatever they want to me? They get to pick and choose who is worthy of their “empathy”, yet I must always have altruistic intentions when being nice to people? Oh, how unconditional their love is..
