Motherfucking Cunt Shit Bitch Arse Kawaii Desu

This is the place where I post all the crap fanfiction I write for people on badnarutofanfiction. It is mainly NSFW. Expect granny porn, unexpected crossovers and bad puns.

[mayflydecembcr-blog]

OKAY SO HERE’S THE DEAL. I used to be HELLA into Naruto, but now I’m not. And I’m shit at selling things SO Y’ALL GET A GIVEAWAY WOO.

First prize! Ten whole volumes of Naruto! Either two figurines or the Akatsuki hat!  Their choice of headband! One Naruto video game! And one poster!

Second place! Five volumes of Naruto! Either the remaining figurine or the hat! Their choice of remaining headbands! One Naruto video game! The remaining poster!

Third place! Five volumes of Naruto! Either the remaining figurine or the hat! The remaining headband!

RULES:

You don’t have to be following me. No, really. I don’t post Naruto. Don’t follow me just for this giveaway.

One like and one reblog!

Giveaway will end on FRIDAY, MAY 31ST AT 12:00 PM CST.

No giveaway blogs. That’s rude.

Uhhh. I think that’s it?? Yeah okay.

Have fun! C:

[crapfiction]

The Snakes Blessing

It was a strange day in Konoha but only one man knew about why and that was Kakashi Hatake. No one knew why Orochimaru had started violently doing hand signs on top of the Hokage tower. No one except Kakashi. 

What a strange way to end your life? To do such a meaningless thing only to be then ripped apart. 

The copy nin went home and leaned into his favourite armchair. Indulging in his favourite book. “A dictionary of important Ninja figures”… obviously. When he got an urge, a strange urge that he had never gotten before. 

As soon as the urge entered his head, his spine cracked out of place and he knew why Orochimaru had died in such a way. Obviously he was a saint if he sacrificed himself to give the men of Konoha this gift. 

His semen tasted sweeter than he expected when he was finished

[crapfiction]

That Girl

The sun was shining over the near empty cafe. Rich civilians flocked around, all ignoring the beige monstrosity that offered “The Best Coffee In Konoha”. The coffee itself always reminded Sakura of dishwater. Soapy and brown, with small brown tasteless lumps floating at the bottom. She was waiting for her sensei and her long term lover, Kakashi Hatake. Not that lover was the correct phrase, more like boring casual fuck buddy. Someone to spend the night with when they were on long missions.

She had thought of perhaps sleeping with Naruto but that seemed awkward for some reason. She had tried Sai but for all his talk, Sai wasn’t very well endowed. In the end, Kakashi was really the only logical choice. 

As the copy nin walked in, a familiar orange book tucked under his arm. Sakura believed it was best to get to business straight away. The man leaned down for a kiss but was quickly stopped by a palm to the face. He scrunched up his face in confusion as he sat down and Sakura began her speech. 

“We can’t keep doing what we’re doing, it’s not going to work out” she stated bluntly, talking a gulp of her odd tasting coffee. 

“You’re in love with Naruto?”

“Eww no”

“Sasuke then?”

“I haven’t seen him in ten years, anyone with self respect would let sleeping dogs lie”

“A sleeping dog like me?”

“Well honestly, yes like you. I am in love with someone though” 

“Is it me?”

“I’m breaking up with you”

“Breaking up with me for who?”

“Kankuro”

“The …puppet guy?”

“I always liked a man with wood”

[crapfiction]

I don't like this

When Jiraiya had brought all of the sages summons to his local strip club, they hadn’t known what to expect. Pretty women feeding them strips of chicken probably? Gamabunta of course had to stay outside. He made sure the others promised to hand him out a plate of food when they got served. The snake and slug were having an interesting conversation about the war that had broken out in a non-ninja colony in the South, when they were stunned to silence. 

Naked women were twisting around poles, gyrating towards men. Jiraiya was drooling, almost floating towards an empty chair. The summons simply stood wide eyed, confused about their surroundings. 

Their escort was already getting a lap dance from a woman whose laugh sounded like a braying donkey. 

Suddenly they were being escorted out by a bodyguard. Only humans allowed apparently…not that they minded

[crapfiction]

Childhood in Suna

The puppets seemed almost real. Like children that they once knew that had mysteriously disappeared. The story was light-hearted enough. A magical princess was trapped in a tower when a man went to help her. 

The man was named Sebastian, he had long, flowing blonde hair and a winning smile. He was plain enough other than that he was nobility and was perfect in every way. Sasori bounced him up on down on a horse that looked strangely like the stray dog that had went missing from outside the butchers. Until Sebastian got to the magical tower, a girl let down her hair and he climbed up until he was in the tower. 

Understandably the girl in the tower was Kawaii and had fairy wings, she was also a neko. They kissed and the world collapsed in on itself, literally. Fire broke out behind the stage, gasoline flooded over the small children as a winged bird flew overhead. Raining down glittery bombs. 

Sasori ran as Deidara massacred a whole load of small children for no reason. 

[crapfiction]

It's never April in July

Written by Jon this time lol because Etch’s idea was really offensive to Christians

“Itachi! Itachi wait- I have something to tell ya!”

The missing-nin paused on the branch, staring relentlessly down into his little brother’s iron-grey eyes. It must have been more than six years since his brother had had anything to “tell” him, and the only reason he’d allowed himself to turn at all was the childish innocence in that tone. It… reminded him of better times.

“Oh?”

“Well… um…” the raven haired ninja paused, intimidated as always by Itachi’s almost expressionless stare. He couldn’t find the right words for a moment, and in a heartbeat he’d just blurted them out instead.

“I’m… I’m gaaay! That’s right Itachi.. I… I like boys.. okay..?”

There was an uncomfortable pause.

“That’s nice, Naruto.” he said, and was gone before the blonde could even explain why he was henged as his missing friend. Within a moment the rest of his team surrounded him.

“I thought it was a funny April’s fool joke,” he sighed defeated, in a poof returning to his regular form.

“But it’s July, Naruto…” Kakashi interjected, “And we were supposed to be stalling Itachi, not scaring him away!”

[crapfiction]

Meat Hooks of Love

She had found him dead in a pool of his own blood and excrement  This wasn’t unusual for a Saturday night but what was unusual was the fact he was dead. His old body had finally given up, not that she cared much. Ino could still have fun with a corpse. 

She poked him with her toe, his eyes rolled back in his head. The whites of his dead eyes would have given her a hard-on if she was capable of having one. Regardless, she got so wet, she could have drowned a few small animals. Wasn’t the first time she had drowned an animal with her vaginal fluid but hey, that’s a story for another day. 

Ino lay down beside him in their sex dungeon. Iron hooks swung overhead as she lay her head on his chest. 

“I love you, you old bastard” She muttered into his ear, kissing his tenderly on the face. 

It made her almost sad that he couldn’t reply as usual with “please let me go”.

[crapfiction]

Stuttering Princess

“I love you Hinata, like all the stars in the sky. Like murdering my brother when I thought he was evil. Like that time I killed Danzo. I love you liked I loved doing those things” 

“I…………………………………………..lo………………………….ve…………………………you…………………………….too……………………………Sas…………………………uke………………kun……………………………………………………………..t”

They lay under the stars, Hinata naked, Sasuke wearing a frilly tutu and sparkly tiara. Sasuke noted that Hinata’s boobs seemed to be fighting for space. It was usual when they were out of the protective seals (also known as her bra), they had a habit of working like two black holes. 

Their love affair had been a quick one. Seeing her naked had just made Sasuke want to be with her. That destructive power was too tempting for him to not try and consume. Eventually he fell in love with her. 

If there was anything Sasuke loved in a woman. It was a complete lack of personality and an inability to say one syllable without stuttering. 

[crapfiction]

Because Rin Died

Rin’s eyes peered over the blanket, the purple marks framing her beautiful eyes. She deep-throated like a professional. Her beautiful body silhouetted in the moonlight radiating through the forest. 

There was nothing like fucking your best friend as they were henge’d as your dead ex girlfriend. Rin was so beautiful as an adult when she was such a plain and ugly child. 

Obito groaned as he came violently, forcing himself to turn back. His scarred face making Kakashi grimace. “For fuck sake, this was not what I paid for!”

[bakandayuumoved-deactivated2014]

Two virgin males having sex are extremely likely to either not have the mind blowing “best thing ever”, or more probable: to actually stop before the act is completed. Because at first it’s frustrating and uncomfortable because neither have a fuckin clue what they’re really...

[crapfiction]

How to be Lonely

The Kazekage never knew loneliness when he was with Naruto. In their time apart, he felt it smothering him. There was paperwork to sign and troops to send out. All he knew in those moments was how the people of his village ignored him. He was their leader, not their friend. They were still scared of him and he knew it. Then, a familiar blonde would run in and plant a kiss on his forehead and he'd forget he was even capable of being unhappy.

[crapfiction]

Fly

“How long do butterflies live for?” Naruto asked suddenly, his hand reaching out to touch one of the many that coated this side of the valley. He stared wide-eyed at the dust that was now on his fingers. I almost thought he was about to taste it but he then just rubbed his hand angrily on the grass. His emotions were ever-changing, they were quite confusing sometimes. 

“I don’t know, as long as they live for”, I answered. Presuming that this was a valid answer. Then realizing it must be the opposite as Naruto stood up and starting waving his hands around wildly. 

“You’re a kage now, I thought you were meant to know everything” he sneered back at me. His jealousy was beginning to get out of hand. It wasn’t my place to point it out though. His jealousy may lead him to becoming Hokage to try and surpass me. It was better for his sake that I keep quiet. 

[crapfiction]

The Moon

My brother walked into our make-shift home, a dark cave with echoing walls. Mould seemed to creep up the walls as if it were alive. Alone, I will admit I felt scared. With him, I was incapable of feeling fear. 

The night was natural on his skin. The moon whitening his skin. His red lips and the bloodstains on his armour even more apparent. Beauty knew nothing if it did not know my brother. 

He was in front of me in second. His face dripping with the blood of one of his victims. Stroking the skin of his jaw, I leaned forward to kiss him. His lips tasted like iron but that only made me kiss him further, to devour his scent. So I couldn’t taste death, so I could only taste him. 

[crapfiction]

Lost Souls

The water glistened in front of us as we sat. Our nakedness open to the world. I traced the scars on your skin. For every hundred kunai dodged, one left a scratch on your perfection. I want to take those for your brother. Take the cuts and the bruises. The scars and the insults. The pain. I wish I could take it all from you, so you never know anything but love. You’re changing every day into a creature of violence. 

I remember as children, we’d go to this lake. Our parents always warned us away. Telling us tales of sharks and a current so strong it would pull the skin from our bones. Even then, you were fearless. Like now, I followed you even when all I felt was fear. I knew you’d protect me. You looked at that water and you dived in as I sat at the side. Scared to even venture in under your protection. One day as I sat on the edge, you went under and didn’t come back up. Air bubbles broke the surface and without a second thought I dived in. Only for you to pop your head back up, laughing at me. Delighted that you tricked me into the lake. I climbed back out, shivering on the bank, tears dripping down my face. When you tried to reassure me, I hit you. You embraced me and what followed was the first time we kissed. Your lips that day were juvenile, not like now as they crush themselves on mine. I can taste your hunger, brother. 

We sit close, your hand strokes my upper thigh. Our sins are our own and I will commit them willingly until the day I die. In paradise, in the spirit world, I know I will dream of you.

[crapfiction]

Escalators

“Urgh, your feet stink Hidan un” said the blonde as he squirmed around in the bed. In was Pein’s birthday and of course that meant a sleepover. All ten members in a single bed too. Konan had gotten very drunk and was snoring in a corner as Zetsu looked at her, drooling. Kakuzu quickly slapped his wrist. “No no, we don’t eat our friends”. 

Deidara and Hidan had started to wrestle viciously as Pein walked in. His pink pyjama’s glowing in the dark. “TIME FOR A PILLOW FIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS”. 

Konan woke up and for some reason she was now a zombie. She threw up on Zetsu and Zetsu then caught fire. Kisame hid in a fishbowl but was quickly swallowed by Itachi who was hellbent on protecting him. 

That was how the zombie apocalypse started and we should never talk of it again.

[crapfiction]

Sparkley Naruto

The Uchiha was utterly bored, he’d been forced to do homework with Naruto and honestly, teaching the blonde anything was problematic. It was a surprise he was smart enough to remember his own name. At the moment, he had been shouting in the library as Sasuke finished his English homework for him. 

“Like that Bella girl, she doesn’t even know what she wants. She gets married and then Edward… that’s the vampire. He rips the baby out of her belly with his teeth. Then she has all her guts all over the floor and he bites her and she goes all crazy cause she’s a vampire. But Jacob the werewolf, he falls in love with the baby. Like wants to do sex with her and she’s like 2. Isn’t that stupid?”

Sasuke signed Naruto’s name in large illegible writing at the top of the page as he turned to the blonde. “So you’ve read the books then?” 

“No… I just heard about them Sasuke bastard” Naruto huffed, crossing his arms in mock outrage. 

“I was just surprised you could even read baka”. 

[crapfiction]

Odd Socks

“Take them off, now” Sasuke demanded, his dark eyes glinting in the half-light of the hotel room. 

Naruto quickly removed his shirt. His skin in contrast with Sasuke’s as he crawled towards him. Trying to be cat-like and sexy but instead looking like an over-enthusiastic puppy. He kissed Sasuke’s head as the Uchiha grimaced. 

“Take your socks off!” Sasuke shouted, shoving the blonde away violently. 

Naruto put his head to the side, suddenly confused. “Ew, are you into feet dattebayo?”. His eyes going wide as he sat cross-legged on the bed. A cockroach crawled out from under one of his abandoned shoes, scuttling towards the door. 

The Uchiha stood up, pulling on his clothes. “…Sasuke, where ya going?” the blonde asked, disappointed. 

“As far away from you as possible” was the other boys only response.