Iâm really depressed
Iâm writing this here because I need a place to vent, yet I donât want my friends to see it. Unfortunately, my friends seem to judge me worse than utter strangers do. Iâd rather just put this out there to the public.
The first thing youâre going to say is âCall the hotline!!!1!â Have you ever called that hotline? I have. Hereâs what happened: I got redirected to some intern working for UPMC. I talked to him and cried on the phone. He said nothing. 30 minutes later, the police showed up at my door and threatened to take me away. I had no weapons of any sort, I was just really depressed. It was only after some negotiation from my parents that I was allowed to go to the hospital instead of going to wherever the police were going to take me. So, no, I will never call that hotline again. Itâs a joke. And no, I donât have any plans of harming myself. But Iâm really, really depressed.
My problem is simple. Iâm 34 going on 35 and Iâve never been on a date in my life. Iâm a heterosexual male. I understand that there are many sexualities out there, I have no problem with that. But for me, personally, thatâs where Iâm at. All my friends but one are married with children. Iâm lagging far behind, but itâs not the âkids raceâ I care about. Itâs the idea of having one woman to confide in, to care about, and to love. In short, I want to fall in love.
I have no job. Nor am I even able to get one. I have welfare insurance, and itâs the equivalent of having a gun held to my head. If I take a job at McDonaldâs, the insurance goes away, I have to pay thousands of dollars for my medication to keep me stable. So to put it bluntly, Iâm in a catch-22. Take a job, lose my insurance. Stay unemployed, keep my insurance, but stay where Iâm at. Sadly Iâve failed at all attempts to get a job with insurance benefits.
With no job and no money, itâs a depressing life. Iâm trying so hard to do whatever I can to make money - Iâve written 4 books on sports, all of which are self-published which means 0 sales. I realize that if I seriously want to get married, I need a job. But my Penn State degree is utterly worthless, and I have no help in finding one.
I feel like talking a bit about my failures with women. Since no one is reading this (and thatâs by design), hopefully this will help me vent. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, and Iâm 34. Iâm a virgin, obviously. And no, I donât have feelings for men. I realize the first thought on most tumblr peopleâs minds is âyou should just change sexualities!â No, thatâs not happening.
âAâ (name redacted) was the first girl I was ever attracted to. âAâ and I were in many classes throughout high school. âAâ was pretty much the perfect woman. She was kind, she was soft-spoken, she was smart, and yes, she was even beautiful. But I was too shy to ever speak to âA.â As a result, once she graduated high school, I never saw her again.
âBâ was a girl from South Korea who transferred to my high school. She was energetic, she was fun, and yes, she and I bickered a lot in school. Ever since I met her, I had a thing for Asian girls. Unfortunately, âBâ went down a different path. She must have hated me. Somehow she blocked me on Twitter when I followed her. Iâll never see her again, but I wish the very best to her.
âCâ was the girl I shouldnât have tried to go out with. I had a crush on her, so I stupidly asked her out at the bookstore where she worked. She declined, and now she hates me too. I regret everything about that. I was a teenager who didnât know better.
âDâ was another Asian girl who was again, perfect. She and I used to have long phone conversations while I was in my senior year of college. But she lied to me and told me she had no intention of having a relationship. One month after I graduated, she had a relationship. I felt betrayed. I saw her one time again, and that was it.
So there you have it, all my prospects with women over the years. And thatâs where I stand today. I feel slightly better having written this. Again, please donât call in the SWAT team, Iâm not thinking of doing anything to myself. But I sure am depressed, and I feel hopeless. My hope that by writing this, it makes me feel a bit better.













