excess thoughts

of a writer, artist, doomscroller, hopeless romantic, and high school student.

[creativelycatastrophic]

hi!! i write things. also!

• I am 17 (aka the age of YA novel protagonists).

• I do theatre things

• I do art things

• I just do things

• I'm funny sometimes (I think)

I will post whatever I feel like on here - it's a place for the extra thoughts my brain doesn't have space for (which is a lot of thoughts, i’m just a girl)

prepare for semi-coherent sentences immediately followed by a gut-wrenching poem. you have been warned

i consistently post at 12am which is about the only consistent thing about me

maybe there's other stuff too

[creativelycatastrophic]

I want to travel with you.

I want to see the world through two sets of eyes, to amalgamate my view with yours until the colors become so rich they seem impossible and until my own perception has been wholly and completely changed for the better.

I want to visit all the local places, with you by my side, absorbing every new sensation and drinking in experiences until no more could possibly be consumed, and then still dart into the neighboring bookstores and coffee shops, immersed and enraptured.

I want to run down the sidewalks and footpaths together, smiling and laughing and thinking about nothing except the feel of the air and the air of the place. I wouldn't sense the burn in my legs or the ache in my side, just the glorious freedom that is only found far from home, with someone who truly knows you.

I want to take photos until I run out of room, then delete things I don't need - and things I do - so I can take more. Photos in all the cliche places, and the quiet ones, too. The ones we found in all our wanderings, the ones that we could never find again if we tried. Photos of you, of me, of us, each one documenting a moment that will never come again.

And at the end of a day that overflowed with sights and sounds, thoughts and conversations, hour after hour after hour, each one new and beautiful and unbound, I want to return to wherever we spend the cosmopolitan nights, together, content with all of our endeavors. We may sit by a fire, or sprawl across a sofa, or settle onto an inviting mattress. We may talk for a while, or sit in contented silence, or slip straight into dreams that almost make sense. Whatever would come next, be it the next minute or the following dawn, would be shared with you, and in that sharing, it would be a thousand times more beautiful than it would be alone.

Can we?

[nuttybarzz]

Let me know all of you

[creativelycatastrophic]

have you met the elusive creature,

believed the most beautiful of all?

the one who climbs and stalks and roams,

whose mere presence does enthrall?

have you felt its silken fur and feathers,

rough scales and sleek skin,

brush by faster than a blink,

with a lithe leap and soft spin?

have you heard its soothing calls

as you go about your day?

felt something new awaken

at the sound of its raw bay?

have you caught a glimpse of its lean form

through a gap between the trees?

witnessed its rough, untamed power,

and its predatory ease?

perhaps you tried to capture it,

to claim it for your own,

and in return, it clawed your skin,

ripped right down to the bone.

you would not be the first, you see

to seek seizure of its wild soul.

but it will never yield to one

who aims solely to control.

it only ever comes to those

who never turn to force,

who never push or chase or fight

and allow it to take its course.

the creature comes in many forms,

innumerable and distinct.

yet there is a clear similarity,

each shape quite interlinked.

do you realize the complexities

of such an intricate being?

sweet and cruel and pure and sly,

imprisoning and freeing?

[creativelycatastrophic]

i was a pretty damn impressive kid. top scores in classes, extreme creativity, passion, all the things every parent wants to see in their child. i was ahead, by far. while others were learning to walk, i was sprinting.

i am a less than impressive teenager. acceptable scores in classes, long-dead creativity, drained passion. all the things i thought i’d see in myself for years. i feel behind. i am not, not really, i am solidly in the middle. but for a girl who was always told she would make waves, i can barely seem to cause a ripple.

i defined myself as smart. high achieving. remarkable.

now that i am none of those things, what am i?

i don’t know.

[creativelycatastrophic]

i love my friends so much. like who told them they get to be so amazing? not fair.

[creativelycatastrophic]

my mother has called me a lot of things. most of them don't bother me, anymore, even though they're hateful and cruel. but one does.

selfish.

it's one of her favorite descriptors for me.

and every time, I wonder how she could look at me and not see that I would put anything above myself.

I would hold a mountain over my head, knowing it could drop and crush me at any moment, if it meant that someone else could be free of the burden.

I would take Atlas's place, supporting the sky, just to let him rest. and he would leave me there, freed of his punishment, laughing as he stood without restraint.

I would sacrifice my humanity, my freedom, even my life.

my value is inextricably linked to how much of myself I can lose, so others can gain.

each piece of myself is worthless until it is in another's hands.

and yet, I'm selfish.

[creativelycatastrophic]

what the fuck is wrong with me

[greatwhiteprivilege]

i feel so dumb and embarrassed after expressing any emotion

[maxxie-or-smth]

i'm losing my spark who got a lighter

[creativelycatastrophic]

hi. i would like to thank everyone who made me feel like they actually wanted to be around me ever. that is all.

[creativelycatastrophic]

i think i’m permanently touch starved

[creativelycatastrophic]

little things that matter to me that most people might not think about: a kind of poem

texting first, eye contact

casual touches

and silent conversations.

the kind where you can look at each other

and speak

without sound.

bright smiles,

light laughs

and an air of joy.

the kind that persists

every time we are together.

quiet comfort

going both ways

but also strength

in each of us

in a kind of way that lets us be each other’s walking sticks

not each other’s legs.

conversations

about nothing and everything

at the same time.

a kind of thing that fosters both superficialities and dark depths

always genuine

always sincere.

quality time

doing who-knows-what

but doing it

together.

in a kind of way that still allows time apart

frequent, not constant.

fierce intensity

and soft relaxation

and solid nearness

all at once.

the kind of thing that ensures excitement

and maintains stability.

sweet comfort

and teasing jabs

tied into a beautiful, complex knot

the kind that can only be crafted

when you truly care for someone.

[creativelycatastrophic]

I just had to reject an invitation to a dinner before an event from an old friend because I had already committed to another group of friends at a different location for a separate gathering before the same event.

And I was thrilled about it.

A year ago I would never have gotten multiple invitations. I would have immediately accepted the invite from the old friend, despite not liking the rest of the group as much, because I wouldn't have other options.

Not that the old friend is a second choice. I love her very much, and she has always been there for me, and vice versa. She just happened to invite me after I had accepted another invitation.

I haven't abandoned her or anything, I'm trying to plan something with her soon, because I haven't seen her in a while.

But I have an inexplicable excitement at being able to turn down the invitation.

That's a lie.

It's not inexplicable.

I know it's not fair to the old friend, but I'm honestly so happy I am no longer able to do anything she suggests at any time. I am no longer the person she knows is always available. I am no longer the person that never has anything else going on.

Not that she uses me as a backup friend. I'd just fallen into that role of my own accord. It was fine for a while. But I'd gotten tired of it.

Not because I don't like her.

Not because I like her less than other friends.

But because I have other friends.

It's no longer "go with her, or do nothing at all".

It's "go with her, or go with someone else".

I have options. And it doesn't mean I'll always choose the one without the old friend just because it's offered.

It just means I can choose.

And for a girl who used to be able to count my friends with half a hand, that means a lot.

I don't think that's a terrible thing.

[creativelycatastrophic]

:)

[creativelycatastrophic]

next time someone asks my sexuality i'm going to say i'm in the general vicinity of bisexual

[creativelycatastrophic]

here are some other fun ones:

within a hundred yards of lesbian

north of pansexual

not quite in the middle of the aroace ocean

a little to the right of straight

a few feet/meters above omnisexual

a couple of steps away from polysexual

on the second-highest peak of ceterosexuality

a few doors down from queer

gay

etc.

[creativelycatastrophic]

hey diva you should go work out since you need to defy the rising oligarchy/dictatorship/totalitarian regime and survive the apocalypse we are hurtling towards

go do it queen