Y’all, the Sirius Black “straight boy” thing is lyrics from a song called Little Miss Perfect about a girl struggling with her sexuality and scared to come out. There’s also a male version changed called President Perfect. 💀
Remus is feeling sad and left behind because he’s the only Marauder with no romantic experience. Peter’s lost his virginity, James is talking marriage, Sirius… Is Sirius, and Remus hasn’t even kissed a boy.
So Sirius, because he is *such* a good friend, offers to deflower Remus.
(Thank you so much @goodboylupin for sending in this prompt. I hope you like it!)
—
“I thought James and Pete were coming?” Remus asked. His eyes were planted on the window sill, where Sirius’ cotton curtains hung precariously close to a row of lit candles.
“They flaked,” Sirius replied easily as he strolled back in from the kitchen with two generously filled wine glasses.
“Oh,” Remus muttered in surprise, “I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, I—”
Sirius shrugged and pushed the glass into Remus’ hand anyway. “Just drink what you want of it. Netflix?”
“Sure,” Remus replied, not quite keeping the suspicion out of his voice.
Sirius tossed Remus the remote with a wink, then disappeared. A second later, the kitchen lights switched off. Sirius reappeared and proceeded to the light switch by the front door to flip that off too. Finally, he circled back to the lamp in the corner of the living room to turn it off. The window sill candles flickered ominously.
Remus cleared his throat. “It’s a little dark, no?”
“We don’t want a glare on the screen, do we?”
And before Remus knew it, Sirius had practically bounced into the seat next to him. The light of the T.V. illuminated the man’s handsome face and Remus felt his heart thump the slightest bit faster. Sirius grinned, “Share your blanket with me?”
There was an extra throw blanket resting on the armchair closest to Sirius but Remus held his tongue and lifted a corner of his blanket in offering. Sirius situated himself eagerly and said, “You smell fantastic by the way.”
“…Thank you.”
It was only a matter of minutes before there was a hand on Remus’ thigh.
“I knew it!” Remus exclaimed, jumping to his feet.
“Remus, this is the perfect solution to your problem!”
“I don’t have a problem,” Remus hissed. Then, because he was angry, he went and blew out each candle on the window sill.
“Yes you do. You are a gorgeous twenty-two-year-old man who’s never had sex. That’s a goddamn tragedy if you ask me. It’s my civic duty to—”
Remus interrupted in a huff, “You are an opportunist. You are trying to take advantage of me in my vulnerable—”
“Take advantage of you? Last time I checked, it was you crying on my shoulder about how no one wanted you. It was you who said you’d have sex with the first person who asked. I’m just trying to protect you. Better me, who will treat you like the delicate flower you are, than some loser who doesn’t even care about you.”
Remus made no response, just grabbed his things and stormed out.
Yes, he's in the hospital and doesn't remember anything about himself, but it's actually not that bad. His memories are sure to come back in a matter of days, and until then, he can spend time eating, sleeping, reading, daydreaming about that ridiculously attractive Healer...
(The aim is Funny and Fluffy Wolfstar)
It's Like the First Time
“Everything seems to be in order,” the Healer Trainee, Aubrey, says. “As we expected. How’s the dizziness?”
“When I’m laying down, it doesn’t bother me,” he replies.
“That’s good,” Aubrey smiles. “The dizziness and light-headedness should gradually disappear over the upcoming days, and then the memories will come back after.”
He nods. He’d be more worried about all his memories being gone if the Healers at St Mungo’s weren’t so certain they’ll all come back in a matter of days. Dizziness, light-headedness, and amnesia; it’s a familiar picture when being hit with a Confundo-charm from a defective wand, which the Healers have encountered many times before and has apparently happened to him during some friendly duelling.
It’s always the same picture: the dizziness and light-headedness slowly lessening, and the memories all coming back at once after two to at most five days. Like, one moment you know nothing, and the next you remember everything.
Well, he doesn’t exactly know nothing. His semantic memory is intact, meaning he has basic knowledge and remembers facts and skills. He knows he’s a wizard, he knows the hospital is called St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, he knows the people in the lime green robes are the Healers, he knows that since he’s a wizard he probably went to Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he knows perfectly well how to perform a wide variety of charms, jinxes, hexes and curses. (So luckily those years at Hogwarts weren’t for nothing)
What he doesn’t know is anything about himself. His episodic memory, memory for any kind of life events, is completely gone. Who he is, what he does, what he has done, who he knows, it’s all gone. His own mum could walk into the room, and he’d think she was the laundry lady. (Luckily, she seemed like a very nice lady, and had thought it rather funny)
The only thing he knows about himself, not because he remembers, but because it’s the only thing they told him, is that he’s someone named Remus Lupin. Apparently, in the past, trying to fill in the gaps has proven to be more frustrated than helpful for the patient and, as the memories will come back on their own anyway, quite unnecessary. Therefore, they don’t tell him much else, and all he can do is wait.
Past experience has also shown that the patient often finds it quite stressful, and even frightening, to be surrounded by lots of people who all know him, and whom he feels like he should recognize, but doesn’t. Therefore, friends and family are only allowed in limited numbers, one new person a day, which started with his mum.
His mum had brought him his favourite novel, saying that he read it so many times, and would always wish he could erase it from his memory just so he could read it again with the same sense of anticipation. Well, she had figured this was his chance. Now, all he can do is lie in bed, read his book, and eat food, which is... Well, pretty great actually.
He doesn’t have anything to worry about. How can he worry about anything if he doesn’t remember anything? It’s like having a little break from life and all its expectations and responsibilities. (Though the fact that he’s so happy about having no worries, makes him think that this Remus Lupin normally worries quite a lot)
When a Healer comes to see him, he suddenly knows something else about himself: he’s very, very gay.
The Healer has a classic, aristocratic beauty to him, with his sharp cheekbones and full lips, and his eyes are of a clear grey, that appears silver, which contrasts quite nicely with the strands of raven black hair that have fallen from the messy bun on top of his head. And no one has the right to look that good in lime green robes, which he fills out pretty well with his lean, muscular body.
The Healer gives him a soft smile, and really, if he smiles at all his patients like that, the whole hospital must be diagnosed with palpitations. “How’re you feeling?” the Healer asks in a warm, deep voice.
He wonders whether his semantic memory has failed him after all, as he suddenly seems to have forgotten how speaking works. “Erm...” he says, very eloquently.
The Healer frowns, and looks at Aubrey. “Isn’t the confusion supposed to be gone by now?”
Aubrey looks from the Healer to him and back to the Healer, while a knowing smile appears on her face. “Don’t worry,” she tells the Healer. “He has been perfectly responsive and coherent all day.”
“Has he had some Anti-Confusion Concoction?”
“He’s had a small dose, as the confusion was already wearing off on his own.”
“Are you going to give him Memory Potion?” the Healer continues his questioning.
Aubrey shakes her head. “We have already given him Mandrake Restorative Draught against the spell’s physical effects. Adding Memory Potion might make the dose of Stewed Mandrake too high. As we can be certain all memories will come back on their own, it isn’t worth the risk.”
The Healer nods thoughtfully. “So only a daily dose of Restoration Potion until all effects have subsided, I assume?”
“Yes,” Aubrey agrees. “Based on past experience, that’ll in all likeliness be sufficient.”
The Healer turns his head back to him, and that soft smile is back in place. He opens his mouth to speak, but right at that moment, a bright flash can be seen, and a gazelle made out of shining white light is standing in front of them.
“I’m so sorry to disturb on a moment like this,” a stressed-sounding voice of a young woman comes from the Patronus, that is directing itself to the Healer. “But you’re needed back at the HADA department immediately! We’re having an emergency.”
The Healer curses under his breath. He takes a step towards the door, but then stops to look back at him with a pained expression.
“He’s in good hands,” Aubrey says.
The Healer nods. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he tells him, before hurrying out the door.
Though his mum was right, and the novel is really good, he has trouble focusing on it from that moment on. He’s constantly interrupted by thoughts of bright, silver-grey eyes. Merlin, he’s seen the guy once, and he’s acting like a twelve-year-old with a crush!
Telling himself off for it doesn’t stop him from looking up hopefully the moment he catches a glimpse of lime-green robes. It’s quite a disappointment when the Healer that walks in to check his vitals is a greying, grumpy man with a face that seems to be twisted in a permanent scowl. Asking him where the good-looking Healer went to seems kind of impolite though, so he just sits and nods whenever the Healer grumbles something unintelligible.
“So, why have I gotten a different Healer?” he asks Aubrey later, trying to sound casual.
“Different Healer?” she asks, not understanding.
“Yeah,” he says, feeling to his great annoyance that his cheeks begin to flush. “There was this older man checking up on me, while before, there was the young man with the broad shoulder, shining dark hair, sweet smile, pretty eyes...” He trails off.
“Oh!” Understanding, and a not insignificant amount of amusement, appear on Aubrey’s face. “Oh, he wasn’t not your Healer, sweetie! He was visiting.”
“Ah,” he sighs disappointedly. So the Healer had only been here for some sort of second opinion, and he probably won’t be back. It was too good to be true, to have a Healer like that around as a nice distraction.
“Healer Black works for the Healing Against the Dark Arts Department,” Aubrey continues.
“You know him?” he asks.
“I know of him. But honestly,” she adds with a wink. “Everyone working at St Mungo’s knows of Healer Black!”
He chuckles. “I suppose he cannot not catch your eye.”
“It’s not just his appearance,” Aubrey says. “Healer Black is the leading expert on healing Dark Arts-related injuries and combating curses from the Dark Arts. He has invented novel Healing Spells and revolutionized the protocol for treating curses. Healers from all over the world consult him on their cases, and patients come to see him from all over the world.”
“Wow...” he sighs again, but this time it’s a more wistful sigh. He doesn’t even care anymore that he sounds like a love-struck teenager. Maybe Aubrey will write it off as a side-effect of the Confundo-charm. He briefly wonders about that himself, but as those bright, silver-grey eyes come to mind again, he knows he’s under a whole different kind of spell.
“Yeah,” Aubrey smiles. “He’s quite a remarkable man.”
“So I guess I won’t be seeing him again then,” he says dejectedly, letting his head hang. He wonders why they’d sent that Healer to come see him in the first place, as he surely must’ve had better things to do.
He hears a choked noise besides him, and he looks up at Aubrey, who seems to be stifling a laugh, with her hand pressed against her mouth. “Don’t worry, love,” she says with obvious amusement in her voice. “I’m sure you’ll be seeing more of him.”
The young man sitting next to his bed has been talking about his wife and their baby for an hour straight. Though it really isn’t so bad. His stories are quite amusing, and the man is very charismatic. He has sparkling eyes, and hair so messy, he had immediately checked whether it wasn’t storming outside when the man had entered. He has a disarming smile and a contagious laugh, and is surprisingly easy to talk to. He says his name is James Potter, and he’s Remus Lupin’s best friend.
He has to give Remus Lupin a pat on the back for having made such a nice friend. Honestly, the idea of socializing with new people, trying to make friends, does not appeal to him, and he’s glad to know Remus already has them.
“And I just went to see Sirius,” James says. “Well, more like I was speed walking next to him in the two minutes he had to get from one room to another. He still managed to apologize twenty times though. Normally, I’d say he should be sorry, but the poor guy seems to hardly have any time to eat or sleep.” James shakes his head. “Did you hear what happened? Three children were playing in the woods, and they must’ve accidentally touched an unknown cursed object. They were brought in barely conscious and with a mother completely beside herself. So of course, ‘the widely renowned and highly acclaimed, capable-of-the-impossible Healer Black’ was the only one who might save them. And he has, as they seem to be recovering,” James adds, relieved. “But really, there aren’t many excuses that would justify him not being here, but having to save children’s lives is definitely one of them.”
“Thank Merlin those children are alright. That sounds- Wait,” he says, before sitting up. “Healer Black? You know Healer Black?”
James blinks at him. “Ehm... Yeah?”
“Merlin, that man is so handsome!” he exclaims. “He was here for like two minutes, before he got called away to other patients, but I just can’t stop thinking about him! He already looks perfect, and now you’re telling me that he’s some kind of miracle Healer saving children’s lives?” He sighs. “It’s just not fair.”
At first, James still looks confused. Then his eyes widen in understanding, and his mouth starts twitching like he’s trying to hold back laughter.
He doesn’t blame him. He’d laugh at himself too, with how ridiculous he’s been acting over this random Healer. He just hopes he won’t have embarrassed Remus Lupin too much once his memories have returned.
“Don’t worry,” James says, in an amused voice. “Healer Black will come back as soon as he has the time.”
Now, his own eyes widen. “You really think he’d come to see me again?”
James lets out a strangled noise and starts coughing, which he strongly suspects being a laugh quickly covered up by a cough. “Yes,” James replies, suppressed laughter still sounding through in his voice. “I really think so.”
He knows it’s rather pathetic, but as he’s got nothing better to do, he did it anyway. He practiced what he’s going to say to Healer Black when, or if, he comes back.
He’ll tilt his head slightly downwards, so he’ll look up at the man through his lashes, and then he’ll give him a coy smile, while softly saying ‘Healer Black. It’s so good to see you again. I’ve heard many great things about you, and what you did for those children is truly admirable.’ Luckily, flirting seems to fall under semantic memory.
However, when the moment comes that Healer Black enters the room again, his carefully constructed plan falls apart.
At first, he’s stunned that yes, Healer Black really looks like that, and he hasn’t made it better in his head. Alright, the man has bags under his eyes, his robes are rumpled, and his hair is slightly greasy and so much strands are peaking out of his bun, making it look more messy than what would qualify as a normal messy bun, but he still looks like the most beautiful person in the world. He doesn’t even notice Aubrey and James walk in after Healer Black.
He opens his mouth to deliver his carefully practiced lines, but the words die in his throat as Healer Black... Well, flings himself at him. He literally splays out on top of him, hugging him close and pressing his face in the crook of his neck. “I missed you so much,” Healer Black murmurs against his skin.
He freezes. Yes, he has forgotten quite a lot, but he’s still pretty sure this is not the standard operating procedure for Healers to greet their patients. “Erm...” He says, once again ever so eloquently.
Healer Black lifts his head and looks up at him in confusion, but he can’t possibly be more confused than he’s feeling.
James scrapes his throat. “Remus, may I introduce you to Healer Sirius Black-Lupin, your husband?”
“So neither one of you decided to tell him?” Healer Black has crossed his arms over his chest and is glaring at Audrey and James.
“I’m sorry, Healer Black!” Aubrey squeaks. “I know I should’ve told him, but it was just too cute, watch him be all smitten with his own husband.”
He isn’t really listening. He’s openly staring at Healer Black. Apparently, he bloody married the guy, so it’s allowed, right?
“I don’t know how you pulled this off, Remus Lupin,” he whispers under his breath. “But thank you, and kudos to you, mate, kudos to you.”
As he looks at Healer Black up and down (at some point he’ll really have to stop referring to his husband as Healer Black, probably), he suddenly really wishes for his memories to come back fast, as there are some things he’d really like to remember.
Though on the other hand, he thinks, biting his lip, maybe ‘Healer Black’ won’t mind freshening up his memory in the meantime?
“Ugh,” Remus groans, hiding his face against Sirius’ chest. “I can’t believe I was practically drooling over you!”
Sirius chuckles while he’s rubbing soft circles on Remus’ back. “You were cute.”
As a reply, Remus just groans again.
“I’m sorry, though,” Sirius says, suddenly quietly. “It wouldn’t have happened if I had been by your side as I was supposed to be.”
Remus lifts up his head to look at Sirius. “Hey, none of that! You were saving lives.” He presses a quick kiss to his husband’s lips. “You wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, and I wouldn’t have wanted you to be anywhere else.”
Sirius smiles softly at him, and Remus lays his head back on his chest. “Besides, it was a good reminder that I should be more proud of my accomplishment to get Healer Black to marry me.”
Sirius barks a laugh, that Remus can feel vibrating in his chest. “And how exactly was me down on one knee practically begging you to become my husband ‘you getting me to marry you’?”
Remus smiles fondly, happy that that memory is safely back in his head. “And it was nice to feel like having a new crush again,” he continues. “ All exhilarated, enraptured, and in awe.”
“Oh, Moony,” Sirius sighs, pressing a kiss to the top of Remus’ head. “I feel like that every time I look at you.”
honest to god can't stop thinking about this song about jeff bezos by philip labes (link takes you to his spotify). it's such a good example of politically driven folk music.
dam…….. that website “you feel like shit” (it’s like a questionnaire / troubleshooting guide for when you feel like shit) really works………………….. im not even all the way thru it and i even half-assed a lot of the suggestions and i already feel loads better
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Characters: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew
Additional Tags: Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, James Potter is a Good Friend, Crushes, Idiots in Love, Getting Together, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Oblivious Remus Lupin
Series: Part 2 of Crush Confessions!
Summary:
Remus Lupin is not an idiot.
He knows something is off. James Potter, James ‘I actually cried because I missed Sirius so much when we had to sit apart in class’ Potter, that James Potter, is abandoning his friends. More specifically, he’s abandoning Sirius and Remus. Every time the four Marauders hang out together, he’s dragging Peter away with some lame excuse, leaving Sirius and Remus with just the two of them.
Remus knows there can only be one explanation: James has a crush on Peter.
Or maybe Remus Lupin might be an idiot after all.
Bookmarker’s Notes:
But sitting here under the beautiful night sky with the boy he’s fallen in love with confessing that he loves him too? That’s just not something that would happen to someone like him. That sounds like a fairy tale. And even in a fairy tale, the wolf rarely gets to live happily ever after.
“Wait, is all the shite Padfoot does now my responsibility?”
Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day
they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.
downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).
depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.
downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.
(Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)
Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:
the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.
downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.
(In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)
alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”
downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!
Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.
(Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)
I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best
(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)
Me meeting a genie: Okay, so my first wish is for 1000 dollars a day, deposited to my bank account without any way of tracing it to anything illegal. I want this money to come from the ten richest people in America (100 dollars each), withdrawn under the guise of nebulous, random purchases and surcharges. It would probably be best to split the money into a myriad of smaller fees, though, to reduce the likelihood of anyone noticing. Got all that?
Genie: um
Me, continuing on without a care: For my SECOND wish, I want you to give me the ability to learn any given phoneme, so that I can learn to pronounce new languages perfectly. If you're willing, it'd be nice if it were a little easier to memorize new languages too, but if that's not cool, I'm perfectly fine doing all the legwork myself I mostly just want to be capable of pronouncing things correctly.
Genie, now staring at me like I'm insane: ......okaaayyy?....
Me: For my third wish. I want to always have great ideas for gifts for people. Every birthday, every holiday, I want to be able to come up with something they'd really like, with enough time to actually get it for them.
Genie, just staring at me
Me: I can provide you with a written document if that would help.
imagine when pitts and meeks get married, for their first dance thing they play it out the radio that they made and use the exact same song they were dancing to on the roof
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