Artemis Fowl

Random Artemis Fowl posts at random times

[criminallollipop]

Artemis: [counting on his fingers]

Store Cashier: I just asked you how old you were

Artemis: Can you shut the fuck up for one second

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Is it just me or does young Carmen Sandiego give you Holly Short vibes?

Idk I started watching Carmen Sandiego on Netflix yesterday bc I thought why not and that just popped into my head

[criminallollipop]

Mulch: Artemis won’t come out of his room

Holly: Just tell him I said something

Mulch: Like what?

Holly: Anything factually incorrect

Artemis, arriving moments later: Excuse me, the sky is blue because it reflects the ocean???

[criminallollipop]

Holly: Artemis won’t come out of his room

Butler: Just tell him I said something

Holly: Like what?

Butler: Anything factually incorrect

Artemis, arriving moments later: I’m sorry, did you just say the Sun is a fucking PLANET—

[criminallollipop]

Wait wait wait a fucking second

Am I stupid?? Was the whole Artemis Fowl series just Holly explaining everything from the end of The Last Guardian?? How the hell did I not know this?? Wtf man. Am I really that stupid?? I feel like such an idiot

[criminallollipop]

“To my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police I leave the thirty seven gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped her all those years ago. I know that I can never make up for that crime but hopefully you can think of me as a friend, when you do think of me.”

— Artemis Fowl’s translated will in The Last Guardian by Eoin Colfer

[criminallollipop]

Happy Birthday to Eoin Colfer!!!

I would probably be a very different person today if I never read Artemis Fowl so thank you very much for everything

[criminallollipop]

Am I upset that the Artemis Fowl movie was delayed till next year? Yes of course. But we’ve already waited this long so I’m sure a year won’t kill us. And more time means more work, improvements, and probably better quality to the movie since it won’t be rushed. We still have the Fowl Twins book to look forward to

[criminallollipop]

Butler, teaching Artemis how to drive: Okay, you’re driving, and Holly and Mulch walk onto the road. Quick, which do you hit?

Artemis: Oh, definitely Mulch. I could never hurt Holly.

Butler, massaging his temples: The brakes, Artemis. You hit the brakes.

[criminallollipop]

Artemis: *points knife at puberty and human emotions*

Artemis: Stay back bitch

[criminallollipop]

Mulch: My head hurts

Holly: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity

[criminallollipop]

Holly: Hey are you like... seeing anyone?

Artemis: *blushing* no why?

Holly: I don’t know, I just think you’d benefit from like a therapist or something

[criminallollipop]

Artemis Fowl can 100% understand and speak Twitter Stan language because of how many times he went off track from one his internet searches and no one can convince me otherwise.

And it occasionally just comes out of his mouth when he’s feeling particularly tired

[criminallollipop]

Butler: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health

Artemis: *doing awkward finger guns* That’s why I also bottle up positive ones ;)

[criminallollipop]

Artemis: the stars look beautiful tonight

Holly: yeah

Artemis: you know what else is beautiful?

Holly: *blushes* what?

Artemis: gold. solid gold. 1 metric ton of solid gold

[criminallollipop]

Rena Goldsmith is so brave and we should talk more about her

She’s the singer in the second ToG book (Crown of midnight) who sang about Fae and magic in front of the royal family. She worked for 10 years to become famous so that she could be invited to the castle to sing a song about the magic that the king wanted to get rid of. She knew that she would be punished but she did it anyways so that the king would know that people still believe. She died without fear, listing off the people she was close to that the king had ordered killed

[criminallollipop]

Artemis Fowl aesthetic!