Egress Éclat

To go out in a brilliant display. #Bleed Ink

[crimsonclove]

I’m a little over turned,

with these thoughts inside my brain.

I’m wanting it all to stop-

Everything is crashing down like rain.

Lighting strikes like rage,

while thunder clouds my thoughts.

Everything feels so muddy,

why can’t I make it stop?

I’m crying in the dark now,

there’s nothing here that I can feel.

There’s a deep recollection

that feeling empty should not be real.

Being sad turns into screaming,

because weeping makes me choke.

The mirror says ‘I hate you’

Inside there is no hope.

Fumbling thru darkness

leaves me unsatisfied.

I wish I could turn on the light

that burned out inside.

The tides always turn- and I hate it,

it’s never clear to see.

Some days it’s hard to pretend

that I’m not drowning in a hopeless sea.

Close my eyes, I wonder,

how long this spiral with last.

I want to be able to keep moving forward

and stop living like it’s just as task.

[crimsonclove]

These thoughts

Have no business

Roaming around me head

But I can’t seem

To get them

To stop

And that’s a little terrifying

Because I know

That they will go nowhere

That I would like them to stop

But those little intrusive thoughts

Of what if’s

Of what would happen

Of all the things that would change

That I wouldn’t want to

Make it stop

Make it stop

Make it change to something more innocent

More manageable

More anything else than this

So that I can stop

Stop feeling like I’m caught

Between hyperventilating and floating away

[crimsonclove]

It feels like my bones are shrinking

That life is ebbing out of me

That everything is too loud

That I can feel the light cutting me

That the dark is a comforting blanket

My breaths are coming shorter

My heart feels heavy

My blood feels oily

I just need to focus

But I can’t.

It feels like I’m burning from both ends

I don’t want the rage bomb to go off

I don’t want to feel myself slipping

I just want to wake up and feel something

Anything

Besides this endlessness

Of nothing.

[crimsonclove]

We are

Born from the same womb.

Yet we

Do not have the same mother.

You have

The one always there and supportive one.

The family one.

I had

The one who chose much over me.

The absent one.

There’s a kernel or resentment

Even with

The love I feel.

It’s torture

Knowing we share some things

But you got what I craved

The mom

Every child

Wishes to have.

[crimsonclove]

[crimsonclove]

I’m having a hard time

Trying to control

All the rushing thoughts

And all the red flags

That maybe I’ve been ignoring.

It’s getting harder to breath

But I keep trying anyways.

It’s hard

When my thoughts are racing

And I can’t keep hold

Of how fast my heart

Is beating.

It all feels like it’s trying

To tear through my ribs

While squeezing my throat

And I keep choking

On the thoughts and things

That never come.

Where is my piece of mind?

Where is my sense of right?

When does the world straighten out?

Make the thoughts stop.

Make the feeling go away.

Bring me back to the feelings

Before I wanted to choke

On the words I want to scream

And hold back the nausea

That wants to rise

Full of bile

And darkening thoughts.

The world is slowing down

And I am speeding up.

My skin feels like it's burning

The air is getting thin

Everything is racing

The worst thoughts

are there saying

"I win.'

While they laugh

and converse

drawing me deeper

and I'm left trying

desperately

to wonder

if I'm enough.

[crimsonclove]

The cycles repeats

I wish it would end.

When my body feels to small

My mentality can’t defend.

I’m cracking from the inside

Trying to hold my self together.

When all I want to do

Is scream for forever.

[crimsonclove]

Anxiety is sitting listening to nothing

When all of a sudden

What comes creeping in

Is a hurricane

That crashes against

Every wall you ever put up

To protect yourself

From the outside world.

Depression is the raw ache in your throat

That has demons clawing

Trying to break free

As you choke on unknown words

Till there is nothing but darkness.

[crimsonclove]

If I falter

I am sorry

I cannot

Last

Forever

[crimsonclove]

After a while

The screaming stops.

You just have

To figure out

That breathing

That living each day

In the darkness

Is no longer enough.

It will not sustain you-

It is not living.

Existing is tiresome

It feels worthless

Even though you know

That deep down

You are worth something

To someone.

That revelation is hard

There is no in-between

When you can’t control

Your own emotions and thoughts.

Where one moment

You space out

You don’t think

In the next moment

You’re on a spiral

Thinking that

On the way home

If you ran away,

That if you died

No one

Would really miss you

Or maybe they would

But at least

You wouldn’t feel

You wouldn’t be

Crazy

Disillusioned

Depressed

Anxious

Passively suicidal

You wouldn’t be

Wondering

Why-

Why you’re not good enough

Why you’re not stable enough

Why no matter

How hard you try

At the end of the day

You still feel

So empty

With nothing else to give.

How do you function…

How do you want to go on functioning?

Just to exist

In a world

Where the technicolor

Is now a blend of grey

That offers no depth.

[crimsonclove]

I could scream right next to you

And you’d feel an ocean away

The space in between would echo

You wouldn’t listen to what I’d say

The silence grows deeper

There’s chains pulling me down

I’m drowning in my darkness

While battling chaos all around.

How long does it take for me to fade,

As I struggle to stay afloat?

Every tide is dragging me deeper.

The once bright world is becoming remote.

I’m burning on the inside.

My bones are changing form.

The war within is morphing me-

I’m exhausted and battle worn.

I’m done with trying.

I’m about to empty out.

I’ll turn into a bird-

I’ll rage away and tear out my doubt.

The weight that holds me tightly

Will wash away my tears.

I’ll come out stronger than I want to be

Because to work through I have to face all these fears.

[crimsonclove]

The feeling is back.

The one that comes at me like a freight liner

Ready to run my happiness over

I’ve been great for weeks

To be told I’m always angry

But I’m not. I’m stressed out- sure

Frustrated- definitely

I’m at the point of feeling caged again

Breath in

Breath out

Meditate

Clear my head

Why do I want to be around people

Who don’t appreciate anything that I do for them?

Work. Sleep. Kids. Clean. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I want to go somewhere alone and just let the world fall away.

[crimsonclove]

The door slowly opened to the sound of pain, agony and helplessness.

She had never felt so helpless in all her life.He entered the room letting the sword at his side drag along the floor.

"Am I such a monster that the one who fears none fears me?..." His voice was so cold. The room felt colder as soon as he enetered, she shivered as he got closer. Lifting the sword up, in a flash he tore into her skin and she flinched. A fist raised, instantly it hit against skin causeing vessels to break and bruise. Nails dug into her wrists causing little drops of blood to surface.

"Why do you expect everything from me?"She hissed trying to breath right as the hilt of his sword connected with her stomach. "When I am nothing...”

"SILENCE!" A blow to the back with his knee sent her sliding back a few feet towards the wall.

Such raw dispair, sorrow, pain, and anger made everything in time stop. Emotion sent into every blow, blood spattered against the walls. Sadly everyone didn't get it on some level. The steel flashed from the small flashlight, brown eyes glinting watching as each drop of crimson dripped onto the cold hard white and gray marble. Metal clattered against the floor as whimpering echoed against the walls. No one past these walls could hear the chains rattle, the screams incase every part of the room. A form in the corner huddled against the hard surface of the walls and floor as the sound of footsteps came closer.

With each step there was almost a sickening thud followed by the jingling of the iron against marble. Flashing the light towards the figure there was bare feet covered in blood, Traveling up the body was a pure white outfit sprayed patterens of an orange color barely visible to the eye along with fresh blood patterns. Dark green-brown eyes met those of brown. Doe like eyes stared and grabbed the chains near by holding them up in a silent plea to be let go for no words could be made. The figure flashed a morbid smile and raised a sword above his head...

One last attempt to be freed and it had been denied. Mouth opened in a slient scream, blood slowly dripped out slowly, the blade of the sword buried deep within the body. Insisting she was never perfect he expected nothing but perfection from her. Sadly it was the end of him and the end of her.

[crimsonclove]

[crimsonclove]

I want to feel

the taste of your smoke

and the roughness of your tongue

as you glide between my lips.

I want the calluses

pressed hard against skin

scraping down my sides

as you pull me closer.

I just can't get enough of you.

[crimsonclove]

I want to feel

your hands

against my shoulders

pulling me in

holding me down.

I want to hear

your breath heavy

with a slight stutter

above me.

I want to go

on round two

feeling you slip inside

with my hands balanced

on your chest

as you spur my hips on.

I want to shutter

as we both move

deeper, harder, faster...

Sweetly, slowly,

taking our time

falling into

intimacy.

[crimsonclove]

Some days

I want to be in my box of nothing

In a deep crevice where no one can see

That every emotion

Has its chance it it all wells up inside

It over fills and flows through some part of my being

Whether my fingers on a key board or with

Pen and paper.

Or my face streams with tears.

Perhaps my mouth opens up and there’s no filter to comb through every thought trying to make sense of what’s going on.

Where’s my nothing box?

Make every rushing thought stop.