Please Don't Find This

Me trying not to kill myself

[cronicillnessandcry]

I feel like im not allowed to eat. I know i can.. and i should but, not contributing to the income makes it hard. I don't want to eat. I'm hungry but it hard. It just feels like a pit. Idk what to do. Or how to get better from this.

[cronicillnessandcry]

I fucken quit my job. They fucked me over so much in just one week.

So context: I told them my availability was 2 day a week and in the morning. Like i can come in if they need help but in would prefer to only work for sure 2 days. I have family reasons and school reasons for this.

I didn't get my schedule, which isn't unusual. I just means I wasn't schedule the week thats fine we havw new people working the need to get trained. my partner works there too.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED IF MY PARTNER DIDN'T WORK THAT DAY... yeah i was schedule for that day and we cheeked over the physical schedule to make sure like is it just today or is there more. We saw i worked one other day that week. Like okay no problem whatever. Two days after my last shift for that week that i thought i was supposed to work i get a call saying i was supposed to work 3pm to 10pm, and then go back to work 5am to whenever the next week.

SO ACCORDING TO THE FUCKING SCHEDULE THAT I NEVER GOT I WOULD BE FUCKING FIRED... and on top of that we got the next two weeks for our schedule. I worked 5 days each week. Which is not what my availability says.

And i don't blame my managers. I don't blame the workers i worked with. Because i know for a fact that the owners right hand women who doesn't even know what goes on in that store at any given time is the one fucken with the schedules.

So now i just feel like shit because now my partner is the only one making any income. I hope i can get this online schooling done so i can have more availability to get hired somewhere else.

[cronicillnessandcry]

I hate how i was rasied. Just bottle it up everything is fine. But its not. And i don't know how to stop.

[cronicillnessandcry]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I'm sorry .I'm sorry .I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry .I'm sorry .

[cronicillnessandcry]

This isn't were i thought i would be. I thought i would have something creative as a job. I thought i would have a home. I thought i would be happy by now. But now im 25 and gonna be 26 next month. I work a shit job and i do nothing i wanted to do. Sometimes i think maybe i would be better off not exciting anymore.

[cronicillnessandcry]

My mind is stupid, and I hate how it makes me feel. I can't trust my brain to like judge my partners actions and emotions. I know they love me but sometimes, I worry I'm not enough .

[cronicillnessandcry]

Imposter syndrome is hell on earth. I feel like I can never get to a point where I would be able to do what I love as a job or like be happy with what I am doing. It's never going to happen. I should probably just give up. Maybe I would feel better then. Or worse. Who knows.

[cronicillnessandcry]

Trying not to look at numbers as an artist is kinda hard. I always wanted to do art for a living i love doing it but. I don't think it's ever going to happen and, it's disappointing. It's sad. I'm trying not to be.

[cronicillnessandcry]

I'm tired. I'm tired of all the pressure that just doesn't go away. I can't even relax, I keep wanting to just relax for once. But I can't. I have to do something, be productive. And it's killing me. I want nothing more than to, not wake up. I need help. I need so much help. And I can't put that on my partner. I can't. They're stressed, too.

[wowlookwhosspirallingagain]

the “i wanna go home” never leaves my head even when i’m physically sitting in my bed

[professionallyunstable-deactiva]

a hug would be nice but not waking up would be better.

[xveyra]

I just wanna rot away and dissolve into nothing.

[cronicillnessandcry]

My mother can't be happy for me without being criticized. I finally get engaged, she doesn't think the ring fits me. I try and make it so i can try and get a ged during the day and work at night, she thinks its gonna be too hard on me. Like yeah it is, I have dyslexia and math looks sawigges. But if you wouldn't have been like yeah, I want quality of life over quantity then have 3 kids, and put me in to the shitties school system, maybe i wouldn't be struggling so fucken much.

[cronicillnessandcry]

Why can't people just communicate what they want without the dramatics. Life would go so much easier.

[ufoscomeandgetmeplease]

”I feel like such a temporary person in everyone's life“

[cronicillnessandcry]

Trying to maintain a irl friendship is stupid hard. Probably gonna lose some because people just won't fucken talk, about shit. Can I just sit in a bubble of just i like you, can we hang out and watch tv.

[cronicillnessandcry]

Screaming over my work, I finally get to go back to work, only for a bitch, who even the managers are tired of is someone I have to work close with. And now my back is fucking out again, because I refuse to have and argument because she won't fucken do her job.