The Crowe

My random shit, idk yet. 21yo, Married, Leo ♌

[crowewoods]

How can I say that you are enough in a way that you'll believe that you'll believe me. You are everything to me, and I wish... i wish I could find the words, the perfect words, so that you can hear what I say. I know it truly and fully... I i am yours forever and always, and my heart longs for no one, nor does it belong to anyone but for you. My love is only for you, my dearest.

[crowewoods]

So I'm finally going to share a little about myself. I work as a shift manager at TacoBell, and so therefore, I get to deal with any people that have an issue with their orders or their service. One thing I personally don't tolerate is complete disrespect, if you're going to go to a restaurant, be it fast food or fine dining, be courteous and patient. Sometimes it will take a little extra time for us to get to your order or respond at the speaker, especially since every food service job is short-staffed. If you don't want to keep waiting in line for so long, go on in and apply.

Otherwise, if you're downright disrespectful towards us from the get-go, we will not serve you and you can leave the line. I share positivity here because I personally need to create more in my own life. Please remember that food service employees work long hours, constantly on their feet and dealing with entitled customers 5-6 days a week. We're human, many of us are exhausted from working far too much for far too little, we make mistakes, but most of all, we're still human. Also, if we weren't there, you would be able to get your special cravings.

Treat the people you meet with respect and patience, no one likes to be yelled at or take rude words/attitude. Our time is worth more than that, especially if orders are backed up.

As I've said before, just be kind. It helps everyone's day.

[crowewoods]

When we're healing and everything is going well or great, it feels like it's too good to be true. So, as it keeps going, more and more, we expect the other shoe to drop. And when it doesn't? We begin to become paranoid. Thinking it'll happen any moment now...

However, while it's okay to be ready and prepared for any terrible situation, you don't have to bring it about yourself. Don't self-sabotage what's good for you, be that your relationship, your job, or even school.

Do your best to keep the good going. When things start going bad, look at the situation from any and every angle and think "is there anything I can do or anyone I can ask for help to change my direction or fix the issues?" Look first to your friends and family, they may surprise you. And if they're unable to help, search and reach out for a support system you know you can rely on.

You may find help in the places you normally wouldn't look. Just don't tear your life down because it's "too good to be true" and you're just waiting for the fuckening. It will come on it's own time and you can be ready to take it in stride by building up a support system instead of walls.

Bad things happen, that doesn't mean we have to let them ruin our lives and the good things we have. You're stronger than you'd think, you got this. 👍

[crowewoods]

In my life so far, I've found that I know I'm making the right choices when I doesn't all go perfectly according to plan and it's not all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. If it's perfect already, then it just feels fake, but if it's going well and not falling apart, then it's good.

Perfect is unattainable, but good is satisfying and fulfilling. Look for good, not perfect. Because then, your bar isn't set too high and you'll find something that will make you happy, genuinely happy.

If you just look for and expect perfect, you'll only be disappointed at everything and at every corner. Why? Because perfection leaves no more room for anything more. There is no more improvement or change after perfect, and we are beings of change and adaptation. None of us are, or ever will be perfect. However, that doesn't mean that we can't be the best person possible for each of us.

So aim to be the best you instead of being perfect, for there's only one of you out of almost 8 billion people.

[crowewoods]

How is it that I can be somewhat enlightened and a little wise, and yet be such an oblivious idiot?! Like, I'm finding this person really likes me and I didn't see it it until one of my friends pointed it out! And now I made a dumb little mistake that could change that because I didn't see...

How can I be so stupid in one place where I am intelligent and talented in others?

You know what? I'm going to pursue her anyway. Probably dumb, but what else can I do but give up?

EDIT: I went for it and now I have a girlfriend!

Edit 2: now she's my wife

[crowewoods]

Practice is often painful. However, it's also necessary for anything. From changing your habits, to learning a new hobby or craft, or relearning an old skill. You need to put in the effort and practice, otherwise, you'll achieve nothing or stay the same as before.

[crowewoods]

It's hard not to feel lonely in those small hours of the early morning, when everyone sleeps. I never feel like I belong anywhere, but also somehow at ease.

I hate the time it gives to think, because then I think too much. I overthink, and then catch on to the emotions from one of my neighbour's kids having a nightmare and can't calm my own mind.

I hate being an empath, I hate being an overthinker. I just want some time without any stress, or anxiety. I don't want to think about how I hate my own body and face, or how I'm often a failure for most things I do. I just want to forget that I can't even call myself a man by society's standards or even the standards of those around me. I want to be able to go more than just a few days without thinking about wanting to add that final period at the end of my story early.

I hate myself and my messed up mind, my system within and my entire being. I really wish I no longer existed that way my family can grieve, move on and not have to worry. I want to take their worry away so they can all live full lives, especially the woman I love... even if she'll never feel the same for me. So, I would rather just take myself from the equation for their sakes, that way no one needs to worry about me again.

[crowewoods]

Worthy

I am not worthy.

Of you,

Of your love,

Of your time,

Or attention.

I am not worthy for you

I can’t support myself,

Can’t save money,

Can’t keep you safe,

I caused you pain…

And fear…

I’m such a failure.

Not worthy of anything.

Not happiness,

Not love,

Not care or attention,

Not you.

I do not deserve joy.

Nor kindness,

Or even pity,

For I am not worthy.

For one such as I, there is no redemption given. Only by what I make of this unworthy self, can I find the redemption I seek. And after reforging myself through the pain of forgiving myself, only then will I become worthy of her. Worthy of myself. Worthy to have joy, love and care from others. I need to grow, to expand my being and learn to coexist with my eternal pains and the sorrow that resides within myself. It will never be easy, but if you, reader, are strong enough to do it, so am I. Let us share the strength we scrap together so we all can stand tall, to stand worthy of this world and of our loved ones. 

I miss her, my love, and everyday grows harder without her near me… without her, I feel I am not strong enough to do anything and I regret not truly accepting the love she offered. If I fail this next chance I have, I fear I will lose her forever… So, I must succeed this time and every time after. I will become worthy for her, so that I may stand beside her forevermore. For if I don’t… I will shatter beyond repair.

[crowewoods]

One thing we need to think about and remember is that positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity. So as you go on your journey moving forward, take the time to look around at the scenery and the people. They are on a journey of their own, so don't expect anyone to blindly follow your radiance. Instead, go on with the intent to aid and inspire them. Do as Peter Capauldi said when playing The Doctor in Doctor Who, "I'm kind because it's right, so be kind. Just be kind." Be kind without expectation of reward or compensation and good things will follow.

[crowewoods]

Some say that you need to love yourself before you can love another...

I think that's not true in the least. In my experience you can learn to love yourself after finding the one you love and admire with your whole being. Or discover what it means to love yourself because of that one person, we're all able to find them, just be sure you're looking in the right places.

Let yourself seek out the one person that makes you feel safe when you've opened yourself to absolute vulnerability. It's terrifying, and you'll find people that just want to use you or beat you down over time, but once you meet them all the pain and fear becomes entirely worth it.

Now, a warning for you lost, wandering and damaged people. Your pain and fears are entirely valid, but they are not you, mearly a small part that can take a frightening amount of control... however that doesn't mean you're broken or can't be healed. And although you will never be the same person you were before a bunch of cruel idiots hurt you, you are able to be a better and stronger person that's no longer blinded by the romanticization created by love stories forged and built over centuries.

You can heal. You deserve to be happy. Fear is natural, but not always needed. So start learning to love yourself and find someone who helps you along your way. If you're both damaged, you both have the capacity and ability to heal each other.

[crowewoods]

Part of self love and body positivity is patience with yourself. You need to be patient with your progress and improvement. It's not an overnight or week-long process, you need to keep the drove and watch yourself through the dirt and mud for months, even years sometimes.

You can do it, just don't stop moving forward.

[crowewoods]

As we progress through our days, we learn and we forget. Try to make a point of learning as much as you can and remembering the best of what you discover, for in remembering, you'll find some knowledge and purpose.

Hope you have a good day of remembering

[crowewoods]

Your body is truly beautiful and perfect for you. And if there's one part you want to adjust, you simply have to work on it a bit and it will change with you. Never doubt your ability to adapt your mind, body and soul to the purpose you focus on. Plus, there's always room to grow, so let yourself grow.