Knowing you are not healed enough to love someone how they deserve to be loved, they give you the love you desire, yet you are still using every tactic to self-sabotage, and it never works. so disappointed at the fact that he never leaves, no matter what you say or do. He is ensuring you that he is not bothered by anything you do, but still not grasping how someone could love you to that point or if it is even genuine. I even told him, "I love you today, but I may not love you tomorrow." I’ll love him Tuesday, but maybe not Friday. You’ll get tired of my inconsistency; I know it. I wouldn't even deal with that; why would you? Every feeling of success when I manage to push him away is followed by a deep thought: "How could I lose someone who loves me even with my faults?" Every time we reconnect, he apologizes, even when I am wrong. Then repeating the cycle over and over... I'm a genuinely bad person. Do I deserve this? When you finally leave me, will you find someone better than me? Someone easier to love, as I seem to be immune to it in a way. Finally getting the success of pushing him away and feeling the permanence of it all hitting you, pulling every emotion that never was shown. I think about you every second, mixing depression and obsession. How is it real if I am the one left in the end? Can I even be sad knowing the countless times I pushed you away? Will I ever get the same understanding and love again?
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