You know it’s kinda of wild how when I think about the series, I’m always thinking about how much of the storyline revolved around Sam feeling like Dean didn’t believe in him, like no one believed he was destined to be anything but a monster, and how it was exactly those feelings (ie feeling like no one believed in him) that led him astray in season 4.
But I’m rewatching seasons 4 and 5 now and realizing just how much of the reverse is true too. How many times did Sam not believe in Dean? How many times did he call Dean weak, or say Dean was holding him back? (The siren episode, the Alistair episode, again during the big confrontation right before he runs off with Ruby to kill Lilith.)
And if we’re being honest, Sam’s always been this way. Even as far back as season 1, he was constantly putting Dean down for not having a mind of his own, just being dad’s little toy soldier. Whereas Dean actually went against John’s orders to try and protect Sam, was the one consistently reminding Sam during seasons 1 and 2 that he wasn’t a monster. So why the heck do I always remember the series as being so much harder on Sam than Dean?
I don’t have a point here. Also this is not meant to be a divisive post. Sam and Dean are both flawed characters, and that’s exactly what makes them so fascinating to me.
1.20
JOHN: So when you said that you wanted to go away to school, all I could think about, my only thought was, that you were gonna be alone. Vulnerable.
14.12
DEAN: Sometimes when I was… when I was away, you know it wasn’t ‘cause I just ran out, right? Dad would… he would send me away when I really pissed him off. I think you knew that.
Made all of these photo edits of my version of teenage Sam. I just know he was in the back of the impala rolling his eyes at his older brother and blaring Nirvana in his shitty headphones.
Dean's boyfriends ranked by how normal they were about him (from most to least):
4. Lee Webb. As normal as one could get about Dean Winchester. Like yeah, he tried to kill him, but that was completely unrelated to them being exes. Even able to have a nice, friendly reunion with Dean, no hard feelings at all (again, until Lee tried to kill him).
3. Benny Lafitte. Genuinely probably the closest Dean got to a normal relationship with a man and they probably could have made it work if they weren't both hung up on other people. Benny did end up sacrificing his life for Dean, after Dean ghosted him even, but Dean was only partly the motivation there. Still, seeing the dynamic between Dean and Cas in Purgatory and willingly inserting yourself is kind of bonkers.
2. Crowley. Man started this relationship thinking he had the upper hand, then caught feelings and fully shattered himself on the altar of Dean Winchester. Went around telling people that Dean completes him after they had a regrettable summer fling, then sacrificed his life for him because that's just what falling in love with late-seasons Dean does to a motherfucker.
(Special mention of Chuck, who while completely abnormal about Dean was never his boyfriend, as much as he wishes.)
1. Castiel. And it's not even close. In this competition, Cas takes the gold, silver and bronze. Laid a hand on Dean in hell and never had a normal thought again. You just know he had fantasies for years about confessing his love for Dean while dying in his arms before it actually happened. Fortunately for him, Dean matches his freak perfectly.
I do love the idea of weecest sam being possessive but also like weird and unsettling about it. like fics where john or bobby find out and dean is trying to talk, trying to scrape together something salvageable from the situation, but sam is standing right behind him with a flat stare and threat of murder or worse if anyone tries to take dean from him, or vice versa. like sam can (mostly) put up with dean flirting with girls whose names he'll forget once they've moved to whatever next town. but if anyone seriously seems like they could get between him and dean? this switch flips and this otherwise vibrant and lively kid goes still, his eyes lose their light and go cold, calculating, like the hunter he's growing into. I love the idea of little sammy being an unsettling possessive freak
It’s hard to pinpoint what the fuck is wrong with those boys. That doesn't mean people can't see it.
The big one is always dressed ten years too old, in clothes that are somehow too small. The little one can’t seem to wear a shirt that doesn’t reach past his hands. Their clothes never hang right off of them. Like they weren’t selected from a store, but grabbed quickly from someone else’s drawer.
Where their clothes aren’t ripped, there’s shitty stitching in their place. The younger ones’ seams are much nicer than the olders'. Like more time and care was put into his wardrobe. Their mother must have had a favorite. Not that anyone’s ever met her. Or the boys’ father. The older brother came to the younger ones' parent-teacher meetings.
Eventually people in the podunk town they are staying in learn their names. The older and bigger one is Dean. The younger and smaller one is Sam. Their normal names didn’t match whatever weird ass nonsense those two had going on.
Each of the boys is always reading something strange. Dean carries shooting magazines rolled up in his back pocket. There’s a pen stuck in there too. He makes notes in a gun magazine. The fuck kind of a teenager does that? Sam’s got his own little book. Leather bound journal he guards like it's a little girl’s diary. He’s always making notes in it too. Once Finn Michaels ripped it out of Sam’s hand to finally look inside. He didn’t know what the Hell a shifter was and he knew vampires weren’t real, but Sam’s eerie drawings and scrawled writing could convince him of anything.
They were always beat up from something. Never ending scrapes and scratches and bruises. The moment one of them healed five more of them would pop up. Some people thought it was their dad. From the few snippets the boys ever dropped about him he didn’t sound like a nice man. They had matching scars running up their palms. One weekend Dean came back to school with the cut reopened and stitched up. Tye Noel said it looked like it hurt. Dean said he was strong enough to handle it. He asked where it was from. Dean said it was from a grizzly bear. The closest grizzly habitat was three states away.
Sam always looks a little out of place. He’s a little too quiet and a little too tall for his age, a head and a half over the rest of his seventh grade class. Paired with his lingering stares and mumbled words, Sam looks like a proper freak. And shit, man, the clothes really don’t help. Dressed like he could be a child of the damn corn. He’s even got blood stains on the cuffs of his jeans. Someone, probably his mother, tried to get them out with bleach. But if you notice the dark red blots, you’ll know exactly what you’re looking at.
Dean keeps an old switchblade tucked into his back pocket. Definitely banned in the school’s hand book, but no one gave a shit. A few weeks ago he was showing it off to Brandy Mae Stevens at lunch. Doing the teenage boy version of peacocking. Flips and twirls and showing just how precise the sharp edge can be. Brandy Mae says it’s the prettiest knife she’s ever seen. Dean says that’s because it’s made of pure silver. When Brandy Mae asks why, Dean switches the subject and starts complimenting her tight jeans.
Sam’s got something silver of his own. A little rosary he keeps tucked into his jacket. Kinda like he’s trying to hide it. Jackie Penny swears up and down that she saw him praying once. That wouldn’t be such a strange claim if everyone at school hadn’t seen the little pentagram looking thingy Sam had drawn in front of the classroom door. He said it was for protection, but most kids thought he was a devil worshiper. If he’s praying to Lucifer, he shouldn’t need something with Jesus Christ all over it.
If only to make up for Sam’s silence Dean can’t seem to shut the fuck up. If he isn’t talking, he’s whistling. If he’s not whistling, he’s humming. And if he’s not humming, he’s moving or tapping or drumming in a way. Like he’s trying to fill up space. His clothes are the ones always too big. He tries to fill those too. His jacket, his flannels, his jeans. Why are these boys always wearing that shit anyway? It could be 90 degrees out and they would still be covered head to toe.
The thing most people always notice first is how close they are. Always touching. Always standing right next to each other. Always whispering between themselves. Sure, yeah, siblings are affectionate, but they didn’t know where to stop. If Sam and Dean were in the same room, their hands were on each other. Whether it was brushing shoulders or knees or Dean’s hand on Sam’s arm or thigh. Adults would tell them to cut it out and Sam will try and hide how he still leans into Dean’s side. The other kids noticed too. Sam gets teased for needing his big brother like a little girl. Dean gets side eyes from the older students for touching someone young like that. Touching his brother like that.
Old ladies think it’s sweet. Old men think they need to grow up and separate. If people ask, Dean will make a joke about how ever big his Sammy gets, he’ll always be his baby brother. Sam will dodge the question.
The boys leave town two days after the school year ends. Almost like their stay was a contract. People will quickly forget their names and the more intricate details about them. Still, a decade down the road, people in that little town will talk. They’ll talk about those strange brothers and how the only place they seemed to fit in, was in each other’s arms.
Sam Winchester in every episode: Everybody Loves a Clown (2x02)
About me and Dad. I’m sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I’m sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you’re right. What I’m doing right now, it’s too little. It’s too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I’m not all right. Not at all. But neither are you. That much I know.
Here’s a little comic for @gallacrafts theme 9: deleted scenes ✨ I got the short but sweet Mickey in Mexico deleted scene and I thought about Mickey telling Ian the story of how he gave up his freedom for love 💕
