I Love
I think I’ve been making a mistake by trying to date people without commitment. I mean I’ve always been a lover girl, my whole life. Ever since barbie 12 dancing princesses when I was 8. Ever since my mom wouldn’t want me to watch Demons and Angels because the premise of the series was a devil and an angel kissing (she’s muslim). I mean society has trained me for this bullshit my whole life. You will find the love of your life. You will be understood, loved, cared for my that ONE person you’re entire life.
Thats a fucked up thing say to show an impressionable kid (impressionable person actually im still gullible as hell). And on top of that we’ve been bombarded by this propaganda our whole life. Can love truly be portrayed in cinema? In books? In music? Is love the addition of how we all think love should look like? Or is it a personal experience? Can love be portrayed at all? What is love? And why is everybody saying that it’s so hard to define? I mean a basically just answered myself there but wtv. Can a man love me the way I want to be loved? Can a woman love me the way I want to be loved? Can anyone really? Can I love myself the way I want to be loved? Yeah right, that's the better question.
I asked him if he’s ever been in love, twice his said and apparently it destroyed him so much that his a 30yo something guy dating early 20yos to avoid commitment with women his own age. Just remembered that I forgot to wish him happy birthday during that date. I doubt that he remembers mine, his such an asshole actually. Its really hard for me to see his humanity sometimes. I need to love myself more damn. I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to ask him that question. He looked so vulnerable and sad, as if he was opening up to me but like in such a weird way? He basically came around the realization that he was avoiding commitment because of this heartbreaks in front of me ? Maybe we could be friends. But he just wants to fuck. I did put on my best 'grown-up women on a date' outfit (minus the heels) that night knowing damn well we wouldn’t fuck. I feel like I owe him low-key. I hate Love.
