It's strange, trying to write out your thoughts, especially since there are so many distractions, like the freakin cats and the stupidly loud people outside and the fact that I simply don't know what to write about and still can't spell for shit. Auto-correct is my friend. You have those moments though, where you're writing – I guess typing in this case – and you sit there. You just fucking sit there and do nothing while you think about what you should write about, how you should start and then what, how formal and smart the shit is suppose to sound. Isn't that ridiculous? I guess this entire text is pointless, but isn't everything? So many things that people do for personal gain is nearly impossible to stomach. Another pointless topic, but I'm just rambling now, I wont to write, but this is what I've got, I even get these little thoughts of what I should type next, and then I start to type it and I mess up on a fucking letter and I keep pressing back fucking space and I just get so fucking angry that I could scream, like usual. My life is just one giant angry cloud, on that follows me everywhere, that no one else can see but me. It isn't even a black cloud, it's white. Just an ordinary cloud with no specific shape. The color reminds me that anger and sadness can be found and obvious in the lightest of places. And by light I don't mean bright – like anyone is going to read this – but I meant it as lighthearted and even the “happiest” of places. I put happiest in quotes because true happiness for me does not exist. It is something I see as a concept, something out of reach for people like me. I say they because there is a saying that states that true happiness is found from love, and that is something that isn't aware of my existence. Love is something I never want to partake in again. I never want to experience it ever, ever again. I have love for my family, but romantic love, something I cannot deny that I crave – so very deeply – I just don't think I can do it again. I've been through the crush type of shit, but to truly be in love compared to a little crush, the weight of it is incomprehensible. One cannot just let it go either, it manifest its way into you heart and sits there, burning a small, harmless hole, a hole that can only be filled by the one you love's presence – get your mind out of the gutter, perve – but to have your heart broken, that hold smolders and smokes and stings, suddenly setting aflame. You can't control it, no way in hell you'd let yourself do that, since it is a battle between your two selves. The better part of you, and the part that just wants them back so bad. The sound of there name sends your nerves into hyper drive and your stomach starts doing flips. I don't know why this is now my topic of thought, but I wish it would stop. I don't want to top writing/typing though, but all topics have alluded me. My cats are acting like fools though, Alistair was on my night stand, chasing his tail, no him and Raven are by their food, him eating, her drinking. I think that I'm glad I got two cats. None of the ones in their litter really liked me, but they gave me a second look, and the were laying on each other, him on top of her, looking at me with the cutest black faces. Something in my head just told me to get them both. Their annoying as fuck and I can't lie that I want to kill'em sometimes, especially when I'm trying to sleep and they're running around like little assholes, but they have their moments when they are so cute they could get away with murder. Of course that's when they're asleep, but nonetheless, they're adorable like fuckers. I can't wait to get a dog, a big one with a mushy face and big floppy ears, I just hope he won't try to lay on me like Alistair does. Just walks right up to me when I'm laying down and walks on my chest and takes a seat, laying up my torso, squinting at me, demanding to be pet. Raven is even better, she comes for either two seconds for pets and then suddenly doesn't want to be touched, or my favorite, comes close, rubs her face on my face and lays down beside me, purring like a machine, and then goes to sleep while I pet her. And at least she stays in one spot, Alistair goes from my chest to the bed, to my stomach to by leg to back to my chest and then to go eat food and play with every fucking thing in sight. Though with that, Raven is the worst. She even plays with the band-aids. Like fucking really? Why? And now she's licking my pants – now she not, she's licking her paw that is on top of my pants, but still why she gotta be on my pants?! I don't know I guess I'm done now... Bye ~D~
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