Caption: [narrated by a deep voice worthy of Morgan Freeman with generic fairy tale music playing in the background]
âOnce upon a time, in a faraway land, the young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was an absolute douche canoe.
âBut then, one winterâs night, the ugliest human you have ever seen, short of the two penny crap you see in movies like Underworld or whatever, came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold.
âAfter evacuating his bowels for four minutes, the prince sneered at the gift and told the CGI mishap to get fucked. But she warned him, not to be such an apocalyptic fuckhat to strangers and that beauty is found within.
âIn an effort to be slightly more polite but failing miserably, he told her to crawl in the nearest hole and roll about in it screaming, ânorth north squig.â But instead, the old womanâs ugliness melted away, and she was hella fine.
âThe prince bitched his face right off. But it was too late, for she has seen that he really was a fuck. And as punishment she transformed him into an Ozzy Osborne mistake and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there.
âAshamed of his now seemingly odd but not necessarily completely disarming appearance, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. Because cellphone signal didnât do a wad of shit in the mountains and there wasnât a cell phone tower for like, bunches of years.
âThe rose, the aforementioned tricky bent had offered was truly enchanted as all get out, which would bloom until he was finally legally able to guzzle wine like tomorrowâs a dream, if he could learn to not be a pile of indigestible fuck, and could find someone who would at least clean up after his constant mess by the time the last petal fell. Then, the spell will be broken.
âIf not, wellâŠyou knowâŠstuff.
âAs the years passed, he fell down the stairsâŠâ
[sounds of screaming and falling down the stairs]
âOh, Iâm sorry, into despair, and lost all hope for who could ever learn to love such a cock waffle.â
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