Some people you can help. Some people don't want help. Some people want help but are stuck in a position of having tried too hard to help someone who doesn't want help and they fuckled it all up. This has been my 3 AM nonsense.
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@resistandfight
Some people you can help. Some people don't want help. Some people want help but are stuck in a position of having tried too hard to help someone who doesn't want help and they fuckled it all up. This has been my 3 AM nonsense.
we need more track star content in his prime :(
I always think of the description I saw years ago: Self-imposed deadlines don't help me, because I know the person who set them, and they're full of shit.
Give yourself the treat before you start. I'm serious. And ideally during the task and afterwards too.
Executive dysfunction comes from a lack of available dopamine. Common advice is wrong. You need to provide your own dopamine before you can start. Otherwise you're trying to run your car on empty.
"But what if I still don't do it" well you already weren't getting it done anyway. Now you have a little treat. Try again later.
You deserve kindness and care even when you aren't being productive.
(Also read How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis)
I give my students a LOT of techniques for starting writing when it feels overwhelming or daunting, but one of them is exactly this: dopamine load BEFOREHAND. It may sound weird to people on tumblr dot com, but a lot of people seriously struggle with executive dysfunction when it comes to writing literally anything, to the extent that it can cause such symptoms as panic, depression, and AI chatbot use.
I usually suggest this technique as a "Reverse Pomodoro." In the original Pomodoro, you work for 25 minutes and then take a break for 5 minutes (the times vary, but that's the essential ratio). People with executive dysfunction often find this insurmountable, and they get even more frustrated, and then the task seems even more difficult. So instead, flip those times.
FIRST, spend 25 minutes doing something energizing and engaging that you like to do. Not scrolling social media passively, not watching tv, not napping. Try something like colouring, doing yoga, running/walking around the block, talking about your favourite tv show with someone in real time, playing with the dog or cat, making and eating a lovely sandwich, hula hooping, something active. Having a little treat absolutely falls in this category!
(on the subject of little treats: refusing yourself food until you do work is for fucking Puritans and you can be kinder to yourself)
Then, after 25 minutes (or however long it takes to eat the sandwich or finish the yoga routine, it doesn't have to be exact), spend 5 minutes writing (or doing whatever you're struggling to start). Most people can coax themselves into doing something they find difficult for five minutes, if they have already filled up the joy/energy/engagement bucket. You can put a timer on for the 5 minutes if you want, or if you find that annoying, just work for as long as you like.
The other key is: don't push yourself to keep going when you're frustrated or tired—that will just reinforce the negative belief that you already have, which tells you that this task is painful to do, and needs to be avoided. If you've commonly had to force yourself to do this kind of task, that's likely part of why you think of it as painful and have trouble starting it now. Also, you should just, at a basic level, try not to put yourself in pain for the sake of productivity. So just do it till the good feelings run out. Then start hula hooping or colouring again for another 25 minutes. When the tank's refilled, try another 5 minutes of work, if you can. Adjust times to taste.
Not every technique works for everyone, but I've seen this one work for many students who are genuinely and seriously disabled by executive dysfunction. And many people find themselves getting more and more excited and engaged in the "difficult" task—because the good feelings from the hula hooping carry over, and because they're suddenly able to do the task without feeling pain, and feel accomplishment without feeling pain.
I also like mixing fun tasks in with the hard tasks. Fun tasks aren't the reward! They're still work! I still get breaks in between!
So, today, one of my terrible awful tasks was scrubbing a piece of the flooded basement floor. Not fun. Drank tea first, and played on Tumblr after.
But another task was researching the history of familial terms - aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, etc. - so I could make a fun post about omegaverse alternatives. I WANTED to do this. I LOVE linguistic research! But I was doing it to answer someone's question, so it was work that was benefiting others. Painted my nails first, made myself an electrolyte drink after.
This teaches your brain that work doesn't HAVE to be terrible! Slowly, my brain is learning to stop dreading things just because they were classified as work, and instead dread only the things that ACTUALLY suck.
(And it doesn't dread them as much, either! Mopping does, in fact, suck. But the downstairs den has been a pit of doom for a half-dozen years, and now that I had to throw a bunch of stuff out, I am REALLY enjoying looking at all the space. There's a little thrill when I start mopping, because I know I'll be able to stare around proudly after. That DID NOT used to happen!)
In the immortal words of Mary Poppins, a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down.
[Image ID: Tweet from sim (@/ douwuata) reading: a lot of tips for executive dysfunction are like "pretend the hat man is pointing a gun at you" "put your clock 15 minutes ahead" and i don't understand how these tricks are supposed to work because maybe i'm simply too.. aware?
Quote tweet from (sparkles emoji) bi-nosaur (sparkles emoji) (@/ strugglesaurus) reading: One time a therapist was like "give yourself a reward for completing the task" and I was like "or I could just give myself the reward anyway and not do the annoying boring daunting task" and she was like... oh. /End ID]
Ocean date
ID: Digital art of a whale mermaid and her tiny human girlfriend. The whale lady smiles contently as she floats on her back, with her girlfriend kicking her legs while lying on her tummy. (End)
I wish general society acknowledged that "boy moms" are often incredibly abusive. They are controlling and manipulative and they often isolate their sons (and daughters, boy moms are deeply misogynistic) from other family members, friends, and especially romantic partners. There is a reason why so many men who grew up with "boy moms" struggle to stand up to their mothers even as adults with partners and children of their own; it's because years and decades of emotional abuse and manipulation make it extremely difficult to both stand up to your abuser AND to even recognize it as abuse in the first place, especially when your abuser has spent your entire life telling you that they're the only person on your side and everyone is out to get her.
This isn't a justification for the way that these men treat their own partners and children and put them below their moms, but I really think we need to talk about this like the abuse it is and recognize that it's extremely difficult to move past abuse and trauma when you don't even have those words to explain your experiences.
(Do NOT tag this as narcissistic abuse; linking abuse with disorders instead of behaviors is ableist and makes it incredibly difficult for people to get mental health care and talk about their experiences with their illnesses. Most abusers don't have NPD and most people with NPD are totally fine and wonderful friends, partners, and parents.)
"Why do so many men put up with their moms manipulating them/pushing aside their partners/taking over their weddings/etc?"
The same reason why so many adults brush off their dad beating them as kids. The same reason why so many women don't bat an eye at how controlling their boyfriends and husbands are. Because that abuse is normal to them and it is painful and difficult to recognize how awful it really is, especially when the abuse is coming from someone that you love and don't want to hurt.
therapist: and what do we say when we feel like this?
me: no live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality
therapist: no
i feel like people forget that sometimes characters in fic are written like that because it's a reflection of real life.
people have sex without setting boundaries. people have unprotected sex without talking about their sexual histories or producing recent sti tests. people play with kink without discussing it ahead of time or establishing a safeword. they have anal without 'enough' prep or lube—they may even prefer it like that.
and none of this is really a fantasy. it's all pretty normal. you can feel that it's inappropriately normalised, and you'd probably be right! but it is normalised: one study found that 58% of female undergraduate students on the campus studied had been choked during sex. 20% of those students said that they'd never been asked if it was ok; another 30% said they'd only sometimes been asked if they consented. fully half! (non-paywalled journal article on choking during sex here, including these numbers.) despite a rise in stis of all sorts, condom use is declining. (pdf link to the full text of this study about declining condom use in the us; aidsmap article about an australian study with similar results.)
even when people do talk about things—sex or anything else—they communicate imperfectly. 'yeah, but don't go too far' is consenting and setting a boundary, and also relying that the person you're talking to has the same metric for 'too far' that you do. for some people, 'the trash needs to go out' is a neutral, factual observation; for others, it's a request that the person they're speaking to take out the trash.
even when people understand each other perfectly, people react unpredictably to things sometimes! we behave irrationally! people laugh uncontrollably at funerals, or get angry at the straw that broke their back rather than the enormous load they were already carrying. they get scared and lash out at people trying to help them. when hurt, most people do not instinctively reach for therapy-approved grounding exercises and 'i feel' statements.
pretty much any bad choice that characters could conceivably make is a choice that people make in real life, on purpose, all the time. people do things that can have catastrophic, life-changing effects because it felt like a good idea at the time, or they're leaning into the vibe, or they just didn't think about it all that much, or an infinite number of other reasons.
fiction isn't intended as a guide on the best, safest, and most responsible ways to live your life, and fanfic isn't any different. it's not a narrative flaw to let characters do things that are messy or harmful or downright stupid—it's a reflection of what people are actually like, and not something that authors should feel they have to apologise for.
i am obsessed, in the most derogatory way possible, with the people in the notes who are reading this post and then saying, well, those stats you're pointing at are why you have to make it clear in fiction that they've had a conversation about Consent And Safety. if you don't tell people to use condoms, if you don't tell people that it's not ok to choke someone without prior consent, if you don't tell people that they have to do these things Correctly, you're part of the problem.
so i will say it again: fiction is a reflection of life, but it is not real life. fiction does not have to set a good example. fiction does not have to be safe, sane, or consensual.
fiction isn't intended as a guide on the best, safest, and most responsible way to live your life. if you read it looking for that, you are the problem.
Because Catholicism and by extension Christianity are so big and normal I don't think a lot of people consider how strange the Vatican is just conceptually. Like yeah in the capital of a long-dead empire there's an opulent temple district that acts as it's own sovereign nation, still speaking the dead language of that empire for their rituals, ruled by a prophet-king chosen by a secret conclave of the high priesthood. Yeah his followers eat a lot of fish in the spring.
twinkies sales gonna go crazy after this one
reading a historical romance novel and reflecting on the way these stories often present woke nobility for the contemporary reader. a big thing is servants. you can’t not have servants in those times but many modern readers think “but I would never have servants. it would be so weird to have servants” and in order to make the protagonists of the story more relatable they are actually friends with the servants. but flip your perspective and think of it from the side of the servants. wouldn’t it be so awful if your boss was always trying to be friends with you. a really common thing you’ll see is the woke baronet having tea in the kitchen with the servants bc he’s not like other baronets. but what if your boss wanted to hang out and talk during your lunch break every day. not so charming when you think about it that way
So funny actually that Zeb is considered in canon to be attractive, and since he was Honor Guard captain, also sort of famous among lasat, but hangs out with a bunch of random Rebels doing manual labor, first response and charity work.
Imagine you're a Lasan native just getting their bearings in the Outer Rim. You start to feel faint and collapse only to experience the lasat equivalent of Chris Hemsworth bursting out of the woods to save you.
me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit
mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters
me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU
Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?
decay exists as an extant form of life
That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day
"next time, log in faster with fingerprint/face/iris recognition!" how about i keep typing my password like i have for the past 25 years and you fuck off
me in a heist movie scenario: [right about to execute the big plan] i hope you guys kbow if this plan goes south i'm killing myself
driver: what
me: alright team. we kbow our roles. lets get to it
demolitions expert: wait can we go back to that thing earlier
grifter: yeah what was that about
me: charlie, i want you to take point. you're the most important for the early phase so you gotta make sure to nail this. remember we only have a limited time to pull this off, so the sooner the better
safecracker: youre not really gonna kill yourself if we fuck this up right
me: [putting on my badass sunglasses as smooth bossa nova music plays] i'm definitely going to kill myself if we get this wrong
Okay but like, unironically I have Theories(tm) about this, as an ace-as-fuck prose writer, and the theories all essentially boil down to: fish don't have a word for water.
Like, the allos just take a look at something and KNOW it's hot, but the aces have to fucking DISSECT the thing to figure out wtf people are even going on about with calling it "hot", and funny story, turns out when you write a whole-ass 10k of PWP explaining what's hot about the thing in a way that makes sense to you personally, you are a whole lot likelier to make that thing read AS hot to people who normally would not think it was even remotely appealing ( and also, like, to take anybody who was already into the thing out at the knee ).
( see: everyone who has ever told me "I HATE this kink/that kink/this pairing/this genre/this trend, but when YOU write it--" )
And especially in prose, the dissection-explanation gets you into the mood of the scene/head of the character a lot better, while if you DON'T have the dissection worked out but also don't have the crutch of any visual aids to point to, well, then people are a lot less likely to instinctively understand what YOU instinctively understand, even if everyone in the conversation is the same sexuality/has the same tastes/etc etc etc.
So basically, if you're an allo, you probably have not actually HAD to spend that much time breaking down "why is this person/behavior/situation hot to me" unless you just felt like doing it; if you don't bother, though, you don't stop being able to look at something and go "that's hot". Because you just KNOW it's hot; it's like an instinct or a talent, and it's just immediately THERE, before you even necessarily fully know what it really is or develop it at all. You KNOW it's hot, and you don't get why anyone else would need that explained to them when it is just so damn OBVIOUS. You're immediately good at understanding it in yourself, but you don't necessarily understand it in a way where you can explain it to someone else; you haven't put in the practice or developed the thoughts, because you didn't need to, they were already just THERE.
But the thing with prose is you can't just point at the thing and be like "SEE?!??"; you've gotta figure out how to actually EXPLAIN the thing to people, and I feel like that can be a longer process for an allosexual person because they don't necessarily get what it is that they have to explain in the same way an asexual who's starting from ground zero does. The ace person already knows they don't know any of this shit, and knows there's other people who won't get it either, both ace AND allo. The natural talent, meanwhile, is just like "but it's so OBVIOUS, why don't you just GET it??" THEY get it, after all; it's OBVIOUS!!
So yeah, I would like to present, again, my hypothesis/thesis: fish don't have a word for water, but you are currently addressing a semi-aquatic mammal, and man, let me tell you about the water CYCLE.
[Screenshot of a video with the caption, "Smut so good it could only be written by an asexual." The rest of the video is covered up by a comments tab which informs us there are 525 comments. We see one by galacteddy, saying, "coaches don't play."
End ID.]
best trope: "ugh I guess I'll tolerate you for the time being, but this is a conditional, tactical alliance, and the second I get what I want, we're parting ways" to "you are the only good in the world and I will protect you to my dying breath"
[ID: tweet from tim macgabhann @/el_fodongo: [greeting the great plumed serpent god quetzlcoatl as he is coming into the pub}: quetzyyyy /end ID]