just postan.. @d-9 - Tumblr Blog

no ones going to save me. whatever i do, i need to figure it out on myself. i understand my mom better every day.

Amber Skye Alcock (South African, 1998) - Keep the Wolves from the Door (2025)

i literally have to either stick it out and try to make things work for like ~4 more years or somehow figure out how to make enough money/get recognized in my field as being valuable according to the regulations which somehow seems even less likely. the other option is getting myself and all my shit shipped back to the us and then figuring out a way to not be homeless. maybe go live with my father and try not to kill each other. im too stupid to figure any of this shit out. ill probably just be here until i get stomach cancer and die

i am in an abusive relationship from which i have no financial or legal escape (if you don't know the specifics of my situation, don't give me advice). i wish that money were no object and that i had a right to choose where i live. like many before me, my current best bet is to try to keep my head down and not rock the boat too much. which is very difficult, because your natural will as a human being is to resist this sort of thing, but resistance just makes it all the more precarious and dangerous.

#my mom tried to give me an early inheritance from her divorce and i refused because i am still no contact with her and very prideful #i wish i had just taken it. i dont know if she kept it for me or gave it to our other family members or just kept it for herself.#idk how much it is either but assuming it would at least be in the thousands to be worth talking about #and any serious independence money would be a blessing right now #i just shove this stuff into a corner when its not happening but i need to make an escape plan. somehow. somehow.

searching for meaning in an ultimately painfully cruel and meaningless world