i will never see god.
i donât believe in god but i would lead myself into theism if only to pray for my boyfriendâs happiness. i would dismantle and restructure my whole belief system if only for the opportunity to beg for him to be unafraid of being happy. i try to pray for that now, but i know nobody is listening. if there is a god, they surely donât like me. i have been hateful, doubtful, ungrateful all my life. i have never given any god reason enough to love me, much less to grant my prayers. i have considered that they have been answered, but with ânoâ.
i hope the next time i pray into the void that the universe or the powers that be remember that iâm praying not for myself, but for someone who does believe in god. iâm asking his god, through tears and with gritted teeth, to love him. because as much as i love him, it may never be enough. my love will not alleviate his fear of being happy. he is a prisoner to his adversaries and maybe only divine love can set him free. what is divine love for, if not to liberate those who have it?
surely there is no god who could ever love me. what god could love someone who commands them to do better for their devotees? what god could love someone who anathematizes them as i do? if there is a god, i surely will never meet them. but i will feel repose in hell knowing that my lover has been loved divinely.















