I don’t know how many times I’ll have to write about suicide and the toxic treatment given so freely to idols and artists in general.
Today I woke up, after a not so good sleep (flu is a terrible thing after all), with my dad wearing a sad knowing look on his face and saying “I didn’t want to give you the news like this, but I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. Sulli is dead.”
As I listen to David Bowie’s “As The World Falls Down”, it serves as soundtrack for yet another grieving and warning text of mine. It’s a falling in love song, but it’s also so becoming of goodbyes… What can I say? I have no words… It’s tiring, you know?
When you appreciate an artist, when you love them for the troubles they went through to give us such amazing and relatable works… You feel a bit emptier every time one of those artists passes away.
I’ve been a Beatlemaniac since my mother’s womb (thank you, dad) and ‘John’ was one of the first words I’ve ever said, so, I remember lying on my bed one nice and warm night, dad tucking me in and, after he sang a John Lennon’s song, I asked something about John in the present tense. Dad had the same look in his eyes as today, when he told me that “oh, darling… I should have told you. Of course, you don’t know… John is dead…” and went on to tell a 7-year-old me the tale of John Lennon’s demise. I grieved an idol for the first time back then, only to repeat the process when George Harrison died a few months later.
Some might think it’s foolish to feel so deeply for the death of an artist that never knew who you were. It isn’t. Gratitude, wishful thoughts of well-being, appreciative thoughts, I believe they all reach those we love without us having to be personally close.
I’ve grieved John, George, Jonghyun, Bowie… And I ask for your understanding, because I’m going to grieve Sulli.
I’m not gonna write about suicide… I’m not gonna write about how the signs were clear… I’m not even gonna write about how hypocritical people are for apologizing only when she’s passed, because that seriously angers me to a point I don’t want to get.
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’ll be okay. But let me grieve.
Tomorrow I’ll go back to the university from the recess… What a great combo of feelings to begin a new semester.
You will be missed, Sulli. Not only as a member of f(x), but as the individual you ARE. I say ARE, because I believe in a continuity after passing to the other world.
I don’t even have tears to cry… I suppose they’ll fall when I’m asleep later… Or perhaps another of us, in this system, will shed them…
I just need to play some games, listen to some music…
