Once again I am here to scream into the void.
I know people have talked about me behind my back and likely shared horrible info about me, both true and false. Iām not here to change peopleās minds or how they feel about me; even if their views of me are based on lies, people are entitled to their beliefs and boundaries. Now Iām mature enough to know that nobody owes me anything, especially if Iāve done anything to harm them.
Today, Iām simply here to apologize. I know I wasnāt a great person back then. Even now I still doubt I am. I was deeply disturbed for most of my life from the abuse I endured growing up. My bio father raped me as a young child, and even after I started remembering bits and pieces of that event, it took a full decade to truly realize that the way he did it technically counts as rape in the US. It wasnātā¦ completed, I guess, but still qualifies based on the legal definition here. Regardless, he sexually abused me as a young child, and it destroyed me so much that my brain is forever scarred and warped from that event and the others in which he abused me. Thatās not even counting the medical abuse/neglect, stealing money and medicine from me and my bro, not giving us food, and using/hurting us in many other ways. That man has been cut out of our lives for years now; my mom and stepdad are my only parents now, and even then, things are more distant between me and them.
This isnāt to justify any of my past actions, but rather contextualize them. I was literally groomed into being sexually knowledgeable at a young age and taught that I should please men since thatās all Iām good for. As a result, I was molded into someone hideous; I hated just about everybody, but especially myself, and was never taught how to appropriately socialize with peers. Having the AuDHD combo doesnāt help matters. And as such, I was admittedly a conceited asshole who thrived on positive attention, especially since I barely got any at home and it was always conditional. I spoke without thinking oftentimes and acted in a shitty manner.
That said, I have NEVER laid a hand on anybody without consent except for a handful of times to defend myself from harm. Even in the midst of dissociative self-harm episodes or suicide attempts, I have never truly wanted to or tried to hurt anybody but myself. Especially not after what Iāve experienced.
Iām now over a year into remission from BPD and am trying to make amends or at least distribute apologies. Iām also actively working to be a better person and learn how to navigate social situations as a chronically ill and traumatized adult. At this stage, I am eternally grateful for the people whoāve stuck around me through thick and thin, and whoāve forgiven me even when I didnāt deserve it. And for those who keep their distance, I respect and honor that since Iāve learned how people set boundaries.
Now Iām a few weeks away from graduating trauma therapy and am continuing to live my simple private life. I will gladly respect the boundaries people have placed and keep my distance. For those who may be out there still who may see this, I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I will spend the rest of my life working on becoming better than I was and living with the guilt that comes with being a bad peer and a bad friend. But please do know that there are people out there who have spread falsehoods about me to use me as a scapegoat for their own issues. Even in the depths of severe mental illness, I always respected explicit consent. I accept accountability for not knowing or understanding implicit boundaries of when or how often to message people and have learned from that. But I am NOT a monster; Iām just a broken person who hurt others when I was focused on hurting myself, and I will live with that and continue improving myself until I am dead.