@daliamikk - Tumblr Blog

Every therapist I had came separately by themself to the same correct conclusion that I will never get any better unless I move out. The thing they never took into account however(though it might be cuz when I still went to therapy I lacked few diagnoses I have now and also some of my therapists straight up told me to never mention my health problems during our sessions even though some of my health problems are the biggest sources of my trauma and reasons why my life went so wrong) is whenever I am able to do so and with my disabilities and overall health problems. It's likely only gonna happen when my dad finally kicks me out for pissing him off by saying something too leftist or something lmao

#vent tw #Disability makes it hard to find a good job. No job=no money for my meds. No meds=My condition gets worse and I can hardly work. A loop.#Even when I had a job I still had to borrow money for my meds cause there's so much of them. How could I afford them and everything else?#Not to even mention like. All the other things that prevent me from moving out.#Maybe one day if I get better but how can I get better if my parents keep pushing me down the hole I'm trying to climb out of.#Still not actually planning to kms but I did realize EVERY attempt I had was triggered by my parents. And then I remembered #the post I'm responding to and I was like holy shit! It did not get any better since then and this statement did not get any less correct.#It all got worse actually. I can now say objectively 2025 was the worst year of my life or at least the hardest.#I shouldn't have said I will get my shit together this year. Idk. I only still keep going cause I was asked to.#Tried to get better so many times but I keep getting back where I started. I don't see a point in making progress somebody will rip from me #MY BAD for thinking my father can change. I keep thinking he can change and giving him chances. He just made it clear how he sees me.#Let's be fucking honest. Even if I COULD escape from here I don't think I would. I can't leave my mom and brother here.#Ok I have to restrain myself from doing any more tags I think lmao I really can't stfu

🦗

Every single thing considered kms would be the kindest thing I could do to myself at this point. At any point probably. I quite literally knew I want to die by my own hands as early as when I was like. 10. I knew I will die young as early as when I was like 7. Back then as a damn kid I already knew the only time I will feel in control of anything will be if I choose my own death and the more physically ill I became and the more bad things happened and the more I started remembering what my abuser did the more I thought so. COULD I even grow up normal after that? Live normal after that? I really shouldn't have at one point try to be happy and make connections. That was selfish. I don't know why I did that. I was probably lonely during the pandemic and only had my family to talk to right after I realized just how much they broke me. If I haven't tried that I wouldn't feel so bad in comparison now. I knew I wasn't born to be happy for as long as I can remember. Making friends was the most selfish thing I have ever done and I can't be mad enough at myself for that. Well for better or for worse I am not kind to myself so why would I kms and give myself that peace? I already have to consider what others would feel above what I would feel for most things and it does apply here too soooo.... I guess it doesn't matter that this is my only chance at being in control and I want it. I'm just not allowed to do it. I don't get to be in control. That and after you fuck up this many attempts you kinda feel too embarrassed to try again especially when you have less energy to put into any action than you had then so you can only halfass things more. I was born to be an example and a statistic and an anecdote and a bandaid not a person. I was never a person. I don't remember what it was like to think I am, like genuinely cuz this lack of personhood started halfway through my life. First half of my life was wasted on horrible people and fighting epilepsy and this one on realizing every single day I wasn't properly socialized or taught about things as a child and I never ended up changing that because why would I if I kms anyway. And then I failed and had no idea what I am supposed to do next. I was only born to watch my life fall apart and attempt to do SOMETHING good for this world in the meantime. Only thing I hope for nowdays is that I did do something good. I need to stop struggling against this. I need to once and for all accept I will never be a full person. I am not in a place in life where I can finally, after 21 fucking years START learning to be a person and I don't think I can survive attempts to find a different spot. I didn't think I would ever need to know how to function among people if I die before I can turn 16. And ever since I was 16 I don't know what to do with myself. No plans no skills no aspirations no roots no dreams because I shouldn't need those right now, I'm not supposed to be here. I wish I could apologize enough to everyone who I tainted. Everyone I forced to think for even a moment about somebody who was made for the background. She taught me my place years ago yet I struggled against that. Maybe she wasn't even an abuser maybe that was just all I ever deserved. Maybe that was my place. I wish I could spend my energy on anything else other than attempts to not harm myself by letting myself do nothing instead. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's happening. Somethings is very wrong. I know I don't deserve to be scared of this. I'm sorry I can't give more I'm sorry I am like this this year I'm so sorry I'm sorry for everything I swear I'm sorry I was only ever taught how to be sorry so I can promise I know how to be and I am sorry. I will find a way to stop myself from having these feelings soon. I will get in my lane. I'm sorry for this

#vent tw #I hope this does not sound like I try to bait people for pity because I am being 100% honest when I say these things #For years now I kept feeling I need to apologise for the way I am as a whole. I truly am sorry

I will have some artwork after ArtFight I guess. Should I post it or nah? I don't really feel like being acknowledged I exist this year but if I don't do it now I will def forget and might never do that and also stop posting in general at all because I. Might literally panic when I am acknowledged I exist but also I have art I can post for the first time in almost an entire year and I don't hate a lot what I made so like does anyone want to see what I did or not really

#Really unsure what I am doing with my life rn.#Why am I even posting this. Idk I'm having another one of THOSE episodes. What episode? Good question. Bad one for all I know.#I will be back to a depressive episode in like 2 days tho that's why I need to know if I should schedule that art.#I probably should go seek some kind of diagnosis but nahhhhh #that's just God's punishment bby (<- probably shouldn't make this joke when you have a return of actual religious delusions)#I highkey just want to go afk irl for uhhhhh I don't fucking know without any consequences cuz I really really can't be a person rn #but you can't really do thay so instead I fuck everything I touch up #👍

I WILL have the biggest crashout of my life sometime this year or AT LEAST next one actually oh fuck shit it's not February anymore what the fuck what the fuck hmmmm maybe it's more correct to say I mean definitely in span of less then a year both from logical standpoint but I also literally feel it coming and I do not know what kind of damege control I can do about it in advance so idk I just want to apologise if you will see that

#Can't go back to therapy or they'll call an ambulance on me again and I might not be able to lie my way out of being hospitalized this time #I don't think it's even neccesary among many other mostyl personal reasons not to want that but what if they do to get rid of a liability.#Like what can I even do. Isolate harder? Ignore that ignoring my emotions and past left me with memory gaps so bad I get scared even more?#My parents forced me to have a long talk with them why am I like this lately and it's SO FUCKING MUCH worse now so I can't count they chang #I don't fucking want to DM anyone about this cause unlike venting online if feels like messaging people targets them specifically to respon #I don't fucking want to bother people. It's not like talking about all this would even fucking help or anything.#Atp none of my friends I still have know me when I was WITHOUT all this baggage and saying I am doing worse feels dumb #cuz when was I doing good. But also yeah it's def worse like absolutely i am not the person I was in 2020 for a moment.#One thing both my delusions and thinking skills/basic logic can agree on 🤝 Like yeah I am nearing my limit It's just cause and effect atp #Something brewing for the past 4 years is about to spill over #Well. 9ish years but I thought it's getting better at one point and then I had a major fall off mentally. 2023 was .sure a year.#Somehow better than 2025 tho like I can confirm that now.#I am reaching hashtag A Point In Life very rapidly very hard and the worst part of that is having to be a person. I don't know. I don't kno #I will be fine eventually maybe. Just not for like a very long time and I am scared how many things will keep moving forwards without me.#and how much I will fuck up in the meantime because i literally don't know how to be a person rn. Whatever that's just my skill issue.#vent tw #or like. an apology/warning depending if I will have part of that crashout here.#This isn't about suicide plans btw. This is more about doing somethign very dumb I will regret but I will live which is the worst part.#Posting this rn specifically because I need to lock in for those last few AF attacks instead of watching instagram reels in bed all day #so I gotta make myself scared to pick up the phone because someone might possibly respond to this.#And also because of that one psychotic breakdown that made me a little🤏 scared of just how mentally ill I am like that was just wow.#I just don't want to affect other people with my shit even more which is exactly why I isolate but also want to apologize because I need to #There is literally no need to message me about this or be nice to me or anything at all. I don't even wanna talk about what's going on.#I just have to apologise. Like in general. I'm legit sorry about like everything related to me in general lately very very much.#Again I'm not killing myself today I haven;t slept in 2 days I don't have energy even to try that lmao #Writing this down and posting this will at least make me shut down from + forget whatever emotions caused whatever this is.#Literally don't sweat it trying to respond in any way I don't have to be comforted it's fine really it's not your responsibilty to fix me #and like I said I might not even touch my phone after posting this.#this part is /gen /gen don't waste your day thinking about someone elses shit if THEY should be fixing themself esp if it's me #Can't wait to be mad @ myself for not enduring in silence but not deleting this as a punishment so ppl will see how dumb and whiny I am

update: man.

#well ok that MIGHT have been some kind of final straw for me after all actually. Huh. Ok!#edit: oh it fucking actually was huh. like deadass huh

jellazticious

Love him as a character, hate him as a person 😌👌

#look outside game

thepearlad

my friends showed me look outside throwing up and exploding

#look outside game

romolossesit

first time tryna draw these freaks, simple for that, will continue tryin i need to draw them so bad

#look outside game #body horror

thepearlad

yucky girlll

#look outside game

horologiiiumart

still haven’t looked outside #builtdifferent

#look outside game

It's almost 1 am and my mom just fucking packed up and left all because of my fuckass father and I have no fucking idea if it's one of these situations where somehow in a span of few days everyone will act like it never happened and I have to too like all the fucking time but considering everything that happened with her and him this year already and what just happened I don't fucking know anymore but fucking all I know right now is that she might possibly not even make it to my grandmas house in her state and she left us with this fucking piece of shit and his fucking family I hate but will have to see during easter no matter what and I won't sleep tonight possibly at all but it's not like I had even one good night of sleep for the past 2 months almost since my doctor decided to experiment with my meds until like july or fucking something to see what will show up in blood work and I have no idea how many more "it will get better eventually" I have in me and I can't even go to fucking therapy because I have work and even if I didn't they will probably just end up calling an ambulance on me on like 2nd session again so I'm having a breakdown online instead to further ruin how people see me

#vent tw

This is not my year this is not my year this is not my FUCKING year holy fucking hell

#I kept telling myself 2025 can't be as bad as 2023 was but it might actually turn out to be significantly worse since it's just april #and I already can question which one was worse #and lowkey know the answer already #I'm so tired man #vent tw

mossbearclovers

I came across some pictures of a Charonosaurus statue that x_seaver posted on their Twitter account. I loved the interpretation of this dinosaur so much I had to do a sketch of my own using it as reference.

I love this chongus dino so much.

#paleo