Every single thing considered kms would be the kindest thing I could do to myself at this point. At any point probably. I quite literally knew I want to die by my own hands as early as when I was like. 10. I knew I will die young as early as when I was like 7. Back then as a damn kid I already knew the only time I will feel in control of anything will be if I choose my own death and the more physically ill I became and the more bad things happened and the more I started remembering what my abuser did the more I thought so. COULD I even grow up normal after that? Live normal after that? I really shouldn't have at one point try to be happy and make connections. That was selfish. I don't know why I did that. I was probably lonely during the pandemic and only had my family to talk to right after I realized just how much they broke me. If I haven't tried that I wouldn't feel so bad in comparison now. I knew I wasn't born to be happy for as long as I can remember. Making friends was the most selfish thing I have ever done and I can't be mad enough at myself for that. Well for better or for worse I am not kind to myself so why would I kms and give myself that peace? I already have to consider what others would feel above what I would feel for most things and it does apply here too soooo.... I guess it doesn't matter that this is my only chance at being in control and I want it. I'm just not allowed to do it. I don't get to be in control. That and after you fuck up this many attempts you kinda feel too embarrassed to try again especially when you have less energy to put into any action than you had then so you can only halfass things more. I was born to be an example and a statistic and an anecdote and a bandaid not a person. I was never a person. I don't remember what it was like to think I am, like genuinely cuz this lack of personhood started halfway through my life. First half of my life was wasted on horrible people and fighting epilepsy and this one on realizing every single day I wasn't properly socialized or taught about things as a child and I never ended up changing that because why would I if I kms anyway. And then I failed and had no idea what I am supposed to do next. I was only born to watch my life fall apart and attempt to do SOMETHING good for this world in the meantime. Only thing I hope for nowdays is that I did do something good. I need to stop struggling against this. I need to once and for all accept I will never be a full person. I am not in a place in life where I can finally, after 21 fucking years START learning to be a person and I don't think I can survive attempts to find a different spot. I didn't think I would ever need to know how to function among people if I die before I can turn 16. And ever since I was 16 I don't know what to do with myself. No plans no skills no aspirations no roots no dreams because I shouldn't need those right now, I'm not supposed to be here. I wish I could apologize enough to everyone who I tainted. Everyone I forced to think for even a moment about somebody who was made for the background. She taught me my place years ago yet I struggled against that. Maybe she wasn't even an abuser maybe that was just all I ever deserved. Maybe that was my place. I wish I could spend my energy on anything else other than attempts to not harm myself by letting myself do nothing instead. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's happening. Somethings is very wrong. I know I don't deserve to be scared of this. I'm sorry I can't give more I'm sorry I am like this this year I'm so sorry I'm sorry for everything I swear I'm sorry I was only ever taught how to be sorry so I can promise I know how to be and I am sorry. I will find a way to stop myself from having these feelings soon. I will get in my lane. I'm sorry for this