This is one of the funniest holiday cards I have ever seen.
this has been in my queue for an entire year
Happy Cripmis

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Phantogram Three
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@damenovakane
This is one of the funniest holiday cards I have ever seen.
this has been in my queue for an entire year
Happy Cripmis
Holy book of Lathander
SUN RISE
“It is Dawn, O seeker of light. What is thy first duty?”
“I shall say a prayer to the light”
***
Prayer to the Dawn
“We welcome you, Morning Lord, and we honor you this day
Celebrating your light, as we partake in our journey once more
Great and powerful, the Sun is your blessing and shows us your loving way
Thank you for your gifts, thank you for your warmth that touches us to the core
Shining down on the land and sea, making things grow and bloom
Your eternal love will always be in our hearts, O Lord of the Sun
We honor you Dawn Lord, for you are the beacon who casts away the gloom
And we devote our days in your holy name, and the darkness we shun.”
“What shall you do second?”
“I shall hold high the Holy Book that the Sun might bless it”
“How shall the Ritual end?”
“I shall reflect on the glory of the Light as it conquers the Dark”
***
NOON
“The Sun is high. Noon is upon us. How shall thee honor the Lord of Light?”
“I shall sing a hymn to Praise Lathander”
Chant of High Noon
1
O Lord of Light, forever in our hearts
Always inspiring us in our arts
Seal our hearts with your blessed sun
O joyous day, when the heavens open
Chorus
Zenith of the Sun
We thank thee for all thou hath done
We raise our palms to this holy star
Hear our chanting from afar
2
O Lord of Light, illuminating the path
Saving us from the darkness beckoning wrath
We carry out your will, Dawn Lord
Your light, your loving ways are forever adored.
Chorus
***
“How shall you next welcome the zenith of the Sun ?”
“I shall rise my hands to the sun”
“How shall the noontide ritual end?”
“I shall rejoice at the dominance of Light”
***
DUSK
“it is dusk, and as the Darkness moves in, the Evening Ritual must be said to ward off evil. What is the first step?”*
“I will recite the eight tenants of faith”
The eight tenants of faith
Watch each sunrise. For each day is a gift.
Always aid. Strive always to aid, to foster new hope, new ideas, and new prosperity for all kind and its allies.
Nurture life. It is a sacred duty to foster new growth, nurture growing things, and work for rebirth and renewal.
Perfect yourself. Be fertile in mind and in body. (research “fertility shakes” and foods)
Bring Hope. Wherever you go, plant seeds of hope, new ideas, and plans for a rosy future in the minds of all.
Think ahead. Consider the consequences of your actions so that your least effort may bring the greatest and best reward.
Avoid negativity. For from death comes life, and there is always another morning to turn a setback into a success.
Rules are secondary. Place more importance in activities that help others than in strict adherence to rules, rituals, and the dictates of your seniors.
***
“The Shadows grow longer. What must be done second?”
“I will hold high my children that they might see the Sun”
“How shall the Evening Ritual end?”
“I shall mourn as I watch the Sun give way to the onslaught of night, and greet Seluné, friend and ally of our Morning Lord. For the darkness is no more under her beautiful silver light.”
Lightstone, Dawn’s Light, Sun rays are Holy Symbols
Verse of Dusk
Farewell, Illuminated one, until we meet again
We carry the sun in our hearts until then
Give us the strength to carry on
Until the next dawn
We greet your ally the Moonmaiden
Her silver light guides us until then
There is always another dawn
Farewell, precious sun.
***
Celebrations & Gatherings
Spring Equinox – Ches 19 : Priests of Lathander perform the Song of Dawn, and praise the sacred relationship between Chantea and Lathander. The entire day is consecrated to love, living things and planting the seeds for a beautiful future. (Flowers are very important. Roses.)
It is also when weddings are performed for those who have these faiths, if one praises Lathander and the other Chauntea it is custom for them to bond on the the Spring Equinox at high noon. The bride and groom are both crowned with rose and golden grain and light ceremonial clothing. Both priests of the faith must be present to officialise this bond. It is said, that those who wed on this day will have many happy, healthy children and will be blessed by both deities with a long loving life. The marriage must be consummated at dusk for this blessing to occur, and it must be done with the pure hearts and in love.
During this day, those who are in love, have loved, or seek love plant a seed as a symbol of their dedication, their memory or their future to always love and be the best person they can possibly be.
It is known for widows and widowers to go to the grave of their loved on and place a rose bush and speak to their loved ones of happy things that have came to pass.
*
Summer Solstice – Kythorn 20 : Worshipers of Lathander celebrate with a day of prayer, relaxation, and sunbathing. The sun dance and meditation steps are required. During this day, the followers of Lathander dedicate to peace, relaxation and self-worth. It is often a day when the follower bares themselves to the sky, naked and proud. Ceremonial paints and pastes are placed on the body as the follower raises their arms towards the sacred sun and sing the hymn of the Summer Solstice. It is known for preists of Lathander to receive direct instructions from the Lord of Dawn, were it be a prophecy, an order, an answer or even a quest Lathander speaks to those who are worthy.
The Dawngreeters, DawnLords, high Dawnlods, Dawnmasters will gather to the Morninglord on this day and together they pray and on this day Lathander speaks directly to them. It is a day when the order present the new followers and Lathander blesses them through the hands of the Morninglord or Lady.
*
Summertide festival – Flamerule full moon (July) This entire day is dedicated to the summer’s prime and the alliance made with Selûne . The followers of Lathander and Selûne gather to common places, most commonly on top of hills or places of celebration built for this sole purpose.
The day is celebrated as soon as the dawn creeps, feasts are prepared days in advance. During the day games and other fun amusements are done such as pie making, face painting, egg running, art competitions, sports and much more. As the dusk comes, plays and dances commence, the night is dedicated to the arts and the alliance made with Selûne. They feast and praise the alliance, raising their glasses to their wise gods. Great bonfires are made and dances are performed.
It is also when weddings are performed for those who have these faiths, if one praises Lathander and the other Selûne it is custom for them to bond on the Summertide festival at dusk as the moon and sun meet. Silver crowns are worn encrusted with moonstones, white and silver for the Selûne followers, sun stones, gold and red are worn for the Lathander followers.
*
Midsummer merriment – Elesias 1 (August) Midsummer morning, priests of Lathander perform the Song of Dawn, like every day, but it is a day that those of the faith can assemble and pray together, in the consecrated buildings, lands and dedicated places of the faith.
It is custom to have a great feast, this great feast can be prepared up to a month in advance. In Waterdeep, the Morninglady, her High Radiance Ghentilara had the most extravagant feasts, they would be organised and prepared months in advance. Her High Radiance would gather the poor, the homeless, the rich and the modest together, and together they would dine.
It is tradition to have tables surrounding a pole with ribbons, flowers and the ground is decorated with the symbol of Lathander. Children will dance around the pole, ribbons in hand as they sing the joyous tune of Midsummer. Golden and red wines are drunk exceptionally this day (abusing alcohol is shunned upon for followers of the dawn and should be consummated for exceptional happy occasions) tasty berry and honey treats called Morninglord’s Soft spots, are made and consummated.
The feast ends with a prayer at dusk, together all party members join in hand and sing the Verse of Dusk, all while praising Lathander for his radiant glory.
*
Soft Spot recipe:
Puff Pastry:
5 cups bread flour
2 ½ teaspoons salt
2 cups water, or as needed
2 cups unsalted butter, at room temperature
Topping:
½ cup melted butter
½ cup Honey
¼ cup finely chopped hazelnuts
1 pint heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups berries, any combination, washed and dried
Pastry directions:
Directions
1. Mix the flour and salt together in a large. Gradually stir in water until the dough holds together enough to clean the sides of the bowl. You may not need the full amount of water. Shape into a flat ball, and allow to rest for at least 10 minutes.
2. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough into a large rectangle about ½ inch thick. Butter in the center and fold the two ends over it so that it is completely encased in dough. Roll out the dough again, taking care not to let the butter break through the dough, to about ½ inch thickness. Fold. By this time the butter is starting to warm up. Place the dough on a baking sheet and mark it with two pokes from your finger (two turns). Wrap in cold damp cloth and keep in cool area for least 30 minutes.
3. Repeat this rolling, folding and turning two more times, leave to rest in cool space. Repeat two more times for a total of 6 “turns”.
Topping directions:
1. Cut pastry dough into 12 rectangles and place on a baking sheet about ½-inch apart. Brush each with melted butter.
2. Combine ¼ cup of the sugar with the hazelnuts and sprinkle generously over the surface of each rectangle. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes or until the pastries are deep golden brown. Allow to cool.
3. Meanwhile, whip the cream with the remaining sugar to a light peak. Gently fold the whipped cream and vanilla into the dairy.
For each Soft spot
Place a pastry rectangle on a plate. Top with a generous spoonful of the whipped cream-yogurt mixture. Scatter berries on top of that and place a small dab of whipped cream-yogurt mixture on top of the berries. Place another pastry rectangle on top. Repeat the process for each Soft Spot, finishing with the last pastry rectangle and crowning it with honey.
*
Highharvestide – Eleint 14 (September)
A day when those of every faith celebrate differently, although one element remains the same, they all have a great feast.
Gathers of Lathander help the farmers with their crops, helping them store for the winter.
It was said that children born on this day were favoured by Tymora to have lifelong good luck but be smitten with wanderlust. Another legend was that humanoid females born on this day had control over their reproductive system (i.e., got pregnant only when they wanted to) by force of will alone, and that they could instantly sense when they had been poisoned, either by ingestion or being bitten by a venomous creature for example. It has been known for Lathander to bless women who he deemed fit to raise the greatest heroes of the generation. This blessing however, is rare, but when it occurs, the priestess is the order’s top priority. Herself and the children are under the strict protection of the order.
Rarely, but it has occurred, the Dawnlord blessed someone who did not share the faith or was not a priestess, this caused a rift in the order. The reason being, the one of these rare occurrences, touched by this blessing was a dark elf, Viersaaria a Drow. Although many are still confused about this, some believe that Lathander did this to counter Shar, his foe. The order of the Sun Soul appointed Iris Dusaut and Brandon Hallwalker, two high ranked monks of the Sun & Moon to find this woman and bring them to their monastery so she could receive protection and raise her children in the sun and moon’s blessed light. This adventure quickly became legend as Lathander and Shar directly fought against each other with their mortal pawns.
Child birth
*Insert information about childbirth*
*
Elegy for the Dead
Although one of the eight Tenants of faith state to not be sad of a death, the faith of Lathander know that the grieving process is important. It is important to mourn your loved ones and then recollect the joyful memories made with them. In death, life. The Elegy is meant to reflect on the good deeds of the fallen. Sunstones are placed on the forehead and heart of the body. If it is a woman, and if this woman had children, a wreath of flowers is placed on their womb, each rose represents their children. If it is a man, a wreath of flowers is placed in their hands, each rose represents their children.
Your last [Sun rise, Noon, Sunset, depending on when they died.] go to the arms of Lathander, be in his eternal warm soothing light. We will miss [quality, even if evil you must find one], we will cherish your moments. [If children] Your legacy will continue though out [children names], through them you shall live on.
For in Death, Life.
For D&D need this
george forgets which neopronouns his partner uses. elaine starts dating a guy with her birthname, and discovers his birthname is elaine. jerry takes newman’s comment that he isnt “really” butch because he uses bath salts to heart. an ominous horoscope drives kramer to audition for rupaul’s drag race.
JERRY: Well, maybe it’s any pronouns.
GEORGE: No, Jerry, it’s not any pronouns! I’d know if it was any pronouns! If they used any pronouns, I would’ve defaulted to “she” by now!
JERRY: Yeah, you would have, wouldn’t you.
(LAUGH TRACK)
GEORGE: Look, Jerry, please, you gotta help me. They’re gonna be here in less than ten minutes, just ask them while I’m in the room. Ten seconds, over and done with. Please.
JERRY: You want me to ask for pronouns?
GEORGE: (FALLS UPON KNEES) JERRY I’M BEGGIN’ YOU!
JERRY: …Tell me I look butch.
GEORGE: WHAT?
JERRY: You heard me. Tell me. I look. Butch.
GEORGE: Jerry, I - I can’t -
JERRY: See, you hesitated! What is it? Is it the shirt, the hair -
GEORGE: Jerry please, we don’t have time for this! JERRY: Ten seconds to ask your new partner what their pronouns are, and you can’t spare any time to tell me what about me passes as femme? GEORGE: …The deodorant is a bit much, I mean, peach-scented deodorant -
JERRY: I KNEW it!
(KRAMER enters through the front door, dressed in nothing but a bra, flesh-colored leggings and a long, blonde wig) KRAMER: Do either of you have any spirit gum? It’s kind of an emergency!
KRAMER: You know I hate to intrude, but uh, what kind of pronouns would you mind me using for you?
(Both JERRY and GEORGE turn discreetly to listen) BRICK: Oh, thank you for asking! Any pronouns are fine!
GEORGE: AAAGH!
(GEORGE stumbles to the floor.)
ELAINE: So they broke up with you, huh?
GEORGE: She didn’t buy my story about fleeing a sudden fire.
JERRY: You’ve got to stop defaulting to she/her.
GEORGE: ANY PRONOUNS, JERRY! She/her is a perfectly valid pronoun! I could’ve had a she/her, a they/them, a xe/xir, Jerry I could’ve had it all.
ELAINE: Still, she/her for Brick? I wouldn’t have guessed, I mean, they were more butch than Jerry.
(JERRY drops his spoon in his diner soup. George and Elaine are unphased. Laugh track.)
GEORGE: So, your relationship is going SO great, huh? With Mr. Deadname?
ELAINE: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna cut things off. I mean, I got rid of that name for a reason, yknow? Too much baggage.
JERRY: You’re jealous he was born an Elaine?
ELAINE: Look, I don’t see what’s so bad about being an Elaine! I mean, look at me, am I not the picture perfect Elaine? I was born to be Elaine. My parents didn’t know what they were THINKING not naming me Elaine, but does he care? No. Just tosses Elaine aside like an old sandwich.
GEORGE: An old sandwich?
ELAINE: Yeah, you’d toss that out, right?
GEORGE: How old?
ELAINE: I don’t know, a week?
(GEORGE sits in quiet thought)
JERRY: Maybe he’s thinking the same thing about you.
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: Well, maybe he’s been wracking his brain trying to figure out why you’d throw away a name as perfect as…
(ELAINE glares at JERRY)
JERRY: …You know.
ELAINE: No. There’s no way. With a name like that he’s lucky anyone is even interested.
GEORGE: They have a point-
ELAINE: Default back to she/her.
GEORGE: She has a point, Jerry. Not only can I not imagine Elaine’s parents picking a name like that, I can’t imagine being an adult and choosing that name. It wouldn’t be anybody’s deadname, it shouldn’t be anybody’s name. It’s just one prolonged mistake.
ELAINE: Better name than George.
(LAUGH TRACK)
JERRY: Maybe it’s the opposite.
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: Well, maybe he picked you up because he misses having Elaine in his life.
GEORGE: You don’t think he’s…?
JERRY: No, just likes the name. Maybe he realized he’s got some attachment to the name, but he doesn’t want it for himself.
ELAINE: …I could live with that.
(LAUGH TRACK, KRAMER enters in a torn green sequin dress, wig cap, smeared make up, and holding a blonde beehive wig under one arm.)
JERRY: How long did you last?
KRAMER: I didn’t even make it on. I got into a fight with Katya Zamolodchikova.
GEORGE: Over what?
(KRAMER makes some sort of KRAMER sounds and wild hand gestures, the others nod.)
(ELAINE’S BOYFRIEND enters)
JERRY: Oh, hey Blaine.
@transfemgeorgecostanza
this fucks
... i’ve seen this a million times... and just now realized he shouldn’t have it on the original clay tablet...
Green Text Story no. 186: “Farm Raised”
“Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.”
god i love riding the bus. i get to look at all the other people on the bus and think we're all in this together
i HATE riding the bus. we ARE all in this together but i wish everyone there was dead even if it means taking me with them
you have the INCORRECT mindset for riding the bus. you should wish death on everyone outside in a car instead so that the bus can go even faster
honestly the only reason im not an old man is that i happen to have been born somewhat recently. other than that
I understand this far more than I’d like to admit.
The longer I look at this the more unsettled I become
You have to walk through the bathroom to access three of the four bedrooms in this house
One of those three is the only room with an en-suite bath. And it isn’t the master bedroom.
This makes me incredibly uncomfortable
October can’t come soon enough
This has been in my likes since last year. It is time.
This is the 21st night of September skeleton. He only appears once a year.
Is this British culture?
Karen knows no nationality
The Elder Scrolls music really puts this over the top.
A parent: say thank you
little baby: tank you :)
Me: