it's like the mindy project but not

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[espritfollet]

sixteen years old and the end of the world

[maybeamagnetar]

some emo crap I wrote about my first heartbreak when I was 16You had said, “place a finger through this

chasm and let each pound- thump thump thump- embed themselves into each echelon of your inner self-” like you are important, like you’re someone, like you are a fortune cookie or Gandhi or my neighbour’s dog- (I don’t even like dogs) and now I’m frowning (in indifference) because I can feel your heartbeat (much to my dismay)

and you are expecting me to simply dive back into you even though last I recall I was submerged headfirst without a life jacket or adequate wading skills and most importantly without so much as a glance in my direction from you, the certified instructor, the avant-garde liberator, the affable, cordial redeemer.

Back track to my unwavering mortal reflexes, the innate requisition for survival.

I’d find my way back up. It’s not even that you left a wound because I’m breathing aren’t I? Poised, I surfaced, with my hands searching, attempting to grab onto nothing and everything.

It’s that you left me there, flailing uselessly, naught in the direction of aid, or even a smile.

(So here we are.) A hole in your heart left by my gun and my fist leads you back to where we stand and while I stare into your frighteningly cerulean blue eyes and your matted flaxen hair (look at you with your palms facing down and that shamefaced grin, you may surpass me in age but you’re no more than a boy) I’m grateful for this calculated self-created deficit of affection.

I won’t allow for more than what we’re here for. (I won’t succumb, not again.) There is an awkwardness in you I am unaccustomed to. It must be that I can see right into you, and at any moments time- reach out and-

Oh you’re defenseless and I haven’t got a bandage made for that sort of perforation. (Play dough would cover the draft but you’d like that and I’m not here to amuse little boys.)

Let’s just keep this between us and move on.

I promise, at best, that when the hurricanes come, to stand in front of you so you won’t have to feel the storm pulsating through you.

At least, for the first five minutes.

[danidates]

"hey so i've just been thinking about what we were talking about yesterday and first off i just want you to know that i think you're absolutely gorgeous and i've never met anyone as wise as you are. i never thought anyone cared about the same things i do until i met you. you're practically perfect and i'm just so not.

and when you told me not to break your heart, you nailed exactly what i was worried about. i just have this really bad feeling that i'm going to end up hurting you. and thats the last thing i want to do, i mean i would hate myself forever if i hurt you.  just dont want you to wait for me to get better when it just seems so hopeless to me. like if you get interested in other guys i dont want you to hesitate because of me. i just want you to be happy thats all. you deserve somebody so much better than me. somebody whose mind isnt so twisted and who doesnt keep hurting everyone around him. i mean you're past all this crap and i dont want you to get involved in it all over again"

[danidates]

Return of the 4YX

So 4YX and I are also kind of friends again and I won’t even start writing about that yet. But I might meet up with him this week. I haven’t seen him since October 2013.

I hope I’m doing the right thing. I’m not so deluded as to thinking he’s still in love with me, like he was…the last day I saw him.

He was very quick, though, to follow me on all forms of social media. That means, like, nothing, right?

I tried to tell him, I’m a completely different person now. I like dogs now. Really, really big dogs.

Also, I’ve had like, a lot of sex. Like a phenomenal amount of sex and I regret..only some of it.

Maybe not that last part.

I mentioned ages back that Hoodie Guy / Stalker guy went on a date with this girl. She is a girl who used to be obsessed with 4YX. I had been hoping they would get together. But noooo, she has to choose the wrong “ex.” What do I know, though? Maybe they’re a couple. That’s like, only 20% of the reason why I am meeting up with 4YX. Really. I…swear.

[danidates]

Alligator Guy Before The Rebound. And Pan

funny, the minute I forget about him, that’s when he shows up. Pan. I’m in a moment of potentially, maybe moving on. Who knows. Maybe Alligator Guy and I could have something real.

Or....yet again he’ll be the Not Even A Rebound. 

This is actually kind of ridiculously timed. The last time I had this back and forth with Alligator Guy, it was after the X of 4 years. And I choked.  

And Peter Pan very well could be...the only person...I’ve ever had strong feelings for. It’s harsh to say but whether or not I was in love with 4YX is up for debate. I loved him, with all my heart, yes. But I can’t shake Pan in a way that really, really fucking scares me. Either way, he’s the next guy after 4YX to call himself my boyfriend, albeit for like...three days before the Mom Breakdown and everything went to hell.

All the guys posted were inbetween. The doctor was the rebound. We dated for two, three? months. But he was never my boyfriend. 

And then Alligator Guy shows up in my life again. 

I have no idea what that means. If it means anything, at all. 

4Yx* = 4 years+ ex

Alligator Guy = See tags

Peter Pan= Younger Guy

[deenadreams]

Alligator guy is single

[danidates]

We were chatting last night. We should catch up, he says, when you’re in Winnipeg. How does it always lead back to these Winnipeg boys?

I’m single.

In that moment, I forgot Peter Pan. There are other guys in the world, I tell myself. Like Alligator guy. This is your meet cute dude. You two have done this dance for over ten years.

He’s hurt I don’t have his number, I don’t tell him that I deleted it sometime ago to stop myself from drunk texting him. Well over a year ago.

I can’t say I was that subtle about trying to find out if he was single. I was…not. I think I said something about how I haven’t seen him in a while, he’s always too busy with his girlfriend. Do I say, too busy with law school? Or articling or whatever he’s doing. Nope. Oh, girl.

I don’t have a girlfriend, he says.

Is that so, sir.

I screwed it up last time, but I wasn’t ready. I had just broken up with X. We had a lovely date type thing, we cuddled, the space for a kiss was there but I choked. By the time I was ready, I was too late, he had a girlfriend.

Do we have even have chemistry? Am I just caught up in the idea of him? This dude that has been in my head on and off, since I was 13 years old?

[danidates]

Silence, more silence, is this you disappearing? Peter Pan

[I wrote this to Peter Pan, at the end of January ]

If you read it. That is.

(I wasn’t honest with you. I should have been honest with you. In truth, I wasn’t being honest with myself))

Blue sky. Peter pan. N. 

You’re still everywhere. I was playing CSGO, sort of, not really. On my team, there was this bot, N, he was killing our teammates. I wanted to send you a snapchat. But. You wouldn’t have opened it.

I had a dream a week ago, that your sister told me that those months you disappeared from me, you were happy. You met a nice girl, everything was back on track. I woke up, and I wanted to write to you. I spent all this time in my head, and I had some clarity. The things I should have said that Friday night, the things I wanted to say. I should have just written it.

But then I put it off. And here I am a week later, I’m fading away, but I can’t *just forget*.

It’s been about a month now, since you’ve even seen my face.

I don’t know if you’ll want to read this. It’s entirely up to you. Maybe you’ve forgotten me already. Maybe you’re hurting. Maybe you’re angry. Or feel used. Maybe you’re happy without me.  In truth, I’m writing this for selfish reasons. I don’t want to lose you, despite it all, but, maybe I owe it you. But maybe I’m selfish again, I should just let this be. You wanted space from me.

————————————————

You said, do what your friends tell you, Dee. Well. If I’d been honest with any of them, it would be me they’d be disappointed in.

I wasn’t honest with you. I should have been honest with you. In truth, I wasn’t being honest with myself.

I’m saying this now, because, no matter how things play out, I don’t want you memories of us to be sour.  I could have done so many things better, I *am* older and I was stupid in so many ways.

When you shut down, I shouldn’t have come at you in the ways I did. It just made you feel worse, and that wasn’t my intention.

There are so many things I did not say to you, why, fear, fear of my own head, fear of scaring you away, fear there wasn’t enough there. And I don’t mean the L word, I jumped the gun in a state of emotion. A build up from all the things I never said to you, and all the crazy shit in my head, and my life. I was scared of feeling for you, of hurting you, of everything.

I didn’t thank you enough.

I wish I had.

I should have reassured you,  I was a coward, those moments when I saw doubt or the slightest trace of hurt in your eyes. When we never took photos, when you were hurt that I didn’t remember a dream I had about the safeway parking lot.

I thought I was showing you, but your eyes told me differently and I should have known better. I should have said more.

But see.

I remember everything.

————————————————

Maybe you remember all the shit we went through but I remember the little things, the things maybe I should have told you.

They were the important things, to me.

Because the things that I remember, when I think about us, it’s not just the feeling of your skin on mine.

I remember looking at flowers for my parents, not expecting you there, and the feeling of your arms around me. Surprising me. The first time you held my hand in a public setting, pulling me towards something untoward. The sound of my heartbeat.  

I remember every time I thought I was going to fall apart, my tears soaking into your shirt, you bringing me into a calm.

When you had a slip of the tongue, and called Davina your girlfriend, as we drove away from Five Guys.

I  remember feeling absolutely free, and happy. At ease. In your kitchen, you watching me while I danced around.

Everytime you ate A&W for me.

Us, under the stars.

“I forgot how good this feels… you in my arms again,” you said.

Your little sly grin in the car, the smile that could have talked me into anything. I remember you taking me to my genetics appoint, and the amount of comfort I felt just by….having you near.  I remember every time you worried about me, I remember every lecture and every frown. Take care of yourself, Dani. For months, for months.

I remember you tracing lines on my skin and our prints on your mirror. The feeling of falling asleep with you warming me, in your car. Our hands under the blanket, falling asleep to some movie.

The smoke between our mouths, I remember your head in my lap as I tried to warm you up. Your whispering, “I’ll go crazy without you,” into my ear, and thinking, maybe I will too.

I remember when you talked about future girls, while we parked outside of Costco, and heart sank into my chest. But I knew then you and your little laughs and cutesy voices were growing on me.

Candles and bubblebaths, us looking out at the CN Tower and your hands against my back. My empty bed, without you.

You, taking care of me. Always taking care of me. Stroking my hair through a headache and doing dishes at Sabrinas.

Falling asleep on the phone, while all hell broke lose in my life, the sound of your voice reassuring me that things will be okay.

Me, kissing away your tears, salt mouth. Unable to express how much it meant to me that you could be vulnerable with me. In the car, at Leena’s. You pulling me away in the dark, the moment that led up to you shattering me and changing something in me. The worry in your eyes, your heavy, beautiful heart.

And…I felt safe. Where everything else seemed to be chaos. I was scared. I’m still scared. It’s not escapism, N. It’s just…what you did for me.

I remember getting lost in you, hours turning into minutes, time eschew. In the most selfish way, maybe, but I don’t regret it for me, but I am sorry for…everything else.

————————————————

I’m not saying I don’t remember the things in-between.  I just don’t want to come away from this with all the bad, and I’m….not. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense.

I’m sorry if in the end you came out with regret. I’m sorry for the pressure. I’m sorry for how everything played out, for distracting you, for making you feel like you weren’t good enough at times and for never being quite as open as I should have been.  I should have been more supportive. For being…me.

I’m insecure, I always have been. I carry so much baggage. I should have known better in so many ways, than to get you messed up in me. I didn’t think I’d compare to the girls I could never look like, I was worried I wasn’t good enough or couldn’t make you happy. Just. So. Many things.

I don’t want you to be jaded in the future. Future girls. Future us. Friendship. I mean.. If you ever want that.

————————————————

I was making mixtapes, throughout those months. I was supposed to give you some of them then. I just kept forgetting. I’ve added a bunch together, it’s up to you, if you’d like to download them or not. Some are songs that, I hope, remind you of good memories. Other songs that were for us, or were for you. And some…some are the things I should have said to you. Minus the L word, because, you know, there is an in-between.

[link]

————————————————

I don’t know what I want from this, from here on. I just wanted to be honest with you and I’m sorry I wasn’t before. I’m sorry if this is selfish.

I do want you to be happy and if that’s without me, that sucks but….if it’s like my dream- not that you’re shutting yourself out from everyone, but instead time without me to lead you to a real girl that doesn’t come for a complicated family, someone that makes you happy. Someone you want to be better for, and vice versa.  

I’m still here for you, if you’ll let me.

-Dani

[danidates]

peter pan. i see you. looking at my snapchat stories, not opening them. hiding from me. wandering into the facebook group i created to ramble about things, to share thoughts and feelings. it’s basically (my) group. i see you, you wandered in, read every post. there are a lot of fucking posts. but. you’re over me, right?

[danidates]

can a commitmentphobe want love?

 isn’t that really just the same thing? are we just searching, or do we just like breaking people into two? do we fear the rejection, or do we just simply…want it all?

how do you go about…not trampling on people’s hearts?

i know i can’t be accountable for how everyone feels. even when i think, did i do this? did i lead them on? or was i just being me? did i set boundaries? do i want this?

i do this, over and over. they hold onto me, and they won’t let go. 4,5,6,7…I will not count.

they all have girlfriends now (they always come back) and i’m relieved. and sad. i didn’t want it to be me. would that have been settling? maybe i just have kept myself closed, for too long. and here i am still single, not ready, when is ready, dating forever and not looking for it. career, health, friends, then love. (but i am. always contradictory.)

i never end things properly. even when there was nothing to begin with. not on my end. or if there was, it’s a dalliance. it’s sex. it’s a kiss, a cuddle, a flirt, or absolutely nothing. he fell into me, for whatever ideal they saw in me.

they waited for me. ‘deena, i can change you.’ and the thing is, i will. one day, i hope. (just not for you) i just want them to be happy. me, with my head full of wars. a mess in the head but loyal, i’ll give myself that.

i won’t be so fleeting and i’ll be all in, if you’re right, if we can be right. i’m not ready to settle or settle down but i can settle down; i’ll settle down for the right person.

but in the mean time, here i am. disappearing act. a sorry, what did you expect, i’m sorry, it’s me not you. i can’t do this. i will only break your heart.

is it cowardice, unwilling to take a leap of faith- always running away. or am i doing you a favour, because, choices, choices.

it’s always cowardice in the end. i’m sorry.

7 months ago

[danidates]

[danidates]

Peter Pan = Younger Guy. FYI

[danidates]

More faces to names

[danidates]

Danis Mindy Project life, but with no Danny "hold on boy, who you think you is"

this post sounds like a whole lot of “these dudes are obsessed with me” and I am sorry! But honestly, it’s weirdly stressful and even when I go MIA they don’t forget about me.

But.

They only want the idea of me slash what they can’t have anyway. My friends read…their texts and call them thirsty / obsessed with me so um that’s their words. I should also note that these aren’t the stalker guys. For example there’s this one guy, Eric, he works in TV. He asked me out like a million times because he loves that’s I’m sexy and call my grandma or something. He weirded me out and gave me the super clingy vibe so. Nope.

So I am forever hung up on Peter Pan who ignores my existence and no longer looks at my snapchats. I wonder if he deleted it because he hasn’t been sent anymore and yes I check because I am a bonfide stalker.

So you might see why my friends are encouraging me to go on dates. It’s funny because Miriam normally tells me to focus on my health and thinks all the men in my life are a hassle. But she’s worried about me making myself lovesick so.

So I have agreed to let the Air Canada pilot take me out on Thursday. The pics are some of his plane photos!

The pilot is the one I had an electrifying kiss with. He’s patiently been waiting on me, he has asked me out but in a way that wasn’t annoying.

Three guys have asked to hangout today or go on a date I suppose, do you think they would mind a group date?

One of them is my friend who I am fairly certain is interested in me because he is very obvious. I joked with him before if he’d like to join me on dates and he was like, “I don’t share.” It was a joke but I think he might be crushing on me due to…his obvious crush. He is part of the faction of dudes that put me on a pedestal due to being “an angel.” Australian guy does this too.

But like he also seems to like the dichotomy, like me aa a good girl with a bad girl side. Just like ugh.

So for today, him, Australian guy and Jon who for some reason has no interesting nickname. He’s an engineer that makes a lot of money lol I think. I will possibly go with Jon today because if they’re gonna keep bugging me about free dinner…

And then there’s the Radio DJ. Marcel. Who.is def a player but I do in fact kind of like him or he gives me little butterflies I suppose. He asked if I wanna accompany him clubbing on Saturday, his friend is visiting. I asked around about him lol because we have many mutual friends. I’ve been told different things, he’s a good guy…but a player. Or just be wary. But he seems to be genuinely thrown off by me because I don’t play that shit

It gets misconstrued as “playing the game” because I don’t text back in forever, and even Marcel is like, “you didn’t reply back blah blah,” which I wasn’t expecting. But I don’t do it on purpose…I get overwhelmed by texts, as y’all know, life. And sometimes I just don’t care lol. But yeah, like I respond in certain ways but that’s just how I how I am. I am not sure playing along with them is so different from trolling lol

[2/23, 11:12 PM] Dee: Ah. Well that doesn’t sound too bad. And you can crash with your sister or whatever if you’re not up for the drive [2/23, 11:12 PM] Dee: I guess? [2/23, 11:12 PM] Dee: Lol making assumptions all over the place here [2/23, 11:13 PM] Marcel To: You’re right [2/23, 11:13 PM] Marcel To: And you can come crash with me too [2/23, 11:16 PM] Dee: At your sisters? Meeting the family already? Tell her that our kids are going to be geniuses [2/23, 11:16 PM] Marcel To: No I mean my place when I’m back in town genius [2/24, 12:33 AM] Dee: Oh, no really? But I named our kids

I wonder how many other girls he’s talking to? But if he is..like he does seem to reserving weekend spots for me now.

(some guys literally count the hours it takes for me to text back. What are you doing for 12 hours? oh only 8 hours this time. Ugh and I’m like I ain’t your gf dude)

And there are no proper girl updates because I would feel bad if I didn’t give them proper time lol. And plus meeting girls is hard and scary and men are easy

So that is my essay lol

[danidates]

Need a second to breathe

At what point in a break-up are you really broken up? Is it the moment you say those words, officially, I can’t do this anymore, after he’s said it first but neither of you knew if it was real? After you’ve crawled out of the salt water and remembered to put your heart back in your chest?

Is it the moment you open your eyes and realize you’re in the back seat of your best friend’s ex-boyfriend’s car and his hands are tracing promises on the small of your back, and you whisper into his neck, there’s no going back from here. Is it the moment when you say I’m not the Eve to your Adam, I’m the snake, I don’t believe in this B.S anyway? Is it the moment you realize you just don’t miss him anymore? Is it when you wonder, maybe I’m just dead inside, but then, what’s this hole, where you used to be?

Or is it when you said goodbye, for real, you showed up outside of his work, your confidante of seven years; but then your lips were stuck together and you buried your tears into your sleeve but not his, because you couldn’t talk to him? You sat across from him, and you knew you wouldn’t call this stranger again?

It’s been exactly 1 year since I’ve seen his face. Is that when I count being single from? It’s the moment I saw him holding onto feelings and I crushed his hope by disappearing into just about everything else. I realized, we’re done. There’s nothing left, here.

- - - - - On my birthday, when I thought he didn’t text me happy birthday, I freaked out. But I don’t know what I wanted. Not closure. Just the familiarity, a semblance of my old life and this person I used to be when I was with him.

But then we broke up and I ripped off all my skin, I have no idea who I am anymore. I’m impulsive and self destructive, I’m instant gratification, and oh what are consequences?

I’m open to new experiences and also deflecting from a lot of my other issues going on, but it’s not the breakup per se.

It was a catapult, or maybe something smaller. The middle domino or the last few drops of water before the flood, dirty bathtub water spilling into the kitchen. I’m someone else, but not really, not entirely. I didn’t break. I didn’t emerge, either. It’s not that my moves now aren’t calculated the way they were before, because, they still are. I’m running out of metaphors.

Something that was sleeping woke up inside me, this hunger. It’s been consuming me and everyone that comes into contact with me and I don’t know how to stop it or if I should keep feeding it and where I’m going. - - - - -

So when is one single? If it’s the latter, then I’ve only been single for a year, only, only, forever, not enough.

- - - - -

I’m not alone, right?

Right

[danidates]

relationships, birthday tears and happiness. And ex emo-ness.

So I’m just sitting on my bed, tears and cold hands in my birthday. A little bit of it is a soft tugging at my heart, because I have a great support system of friends. Another part is also probably frustration at…life and feeling aimless. But the trigger was actually that divorce note (no worries). I read it a few times and then I made the connection to my ex and then I kept reading it and…salty eyes.

For 8 years, well maybe 7, I don’t remember about the first one, he would call me at midnight to wish me happy birthday. We dated for over 4, our awkward tango confused things. He used to talk about marriage and…well, I don’t know if you guys remember our breakup but some of you really helped me during the hardest parts, right before we broke up. Helped me see I shouldn’t keep holding onto him just because we were together for so long and he was my backbone.

That letter…is pretty much exactly what he would have said, or did say, when he could. I wish he had written something like that. I’ve been feeling guilty over the hearts and feelings I’ve accidentally trampled on this year. My friends have told me, the ones I feel guilty about, it’s not my fault. I had close male friends..a few of them, I guess, had feelings for me and I didn’t handle it properly. Or at least those are my thoughts. The girls have said I did my best, but I still…

I did this random “I’m sorry” thing, to some of them. But it’s my ex, I think. I write letters to him in my head, where I am sorry and I want him to be happy. I’m sorry I disciplined him and ugh.

Last year, we were broken up. He came to my new place on my birthday, gave me a perfect gift. A cheese tray / set. He still loved me. I could see it in his eyes. In love, but I wasn’t there.

This year, I texted him on his birthday, he said thanks, how’s your health. I’d just come back from my sexcation. I didn’t know how to answer. So I didn’t.

And now it’s my birthday and nary a word, and I just feel…like something, everything is different. Missing. I’m over him, for sure. But this guilt gnaws at me, and I’m itchy.

Sorry this is long, no one has to read. I should post this in my livejournal or something. How I managed to write all this by text..

Anyways. Thanks y’all. Humour me.

[danidates]

Sexcation Guy

Calgary is actually cute. Yesterday we ate pho, went grocery shopping. Had sex twice. Yes yea Yesss. He cleared a drawer for me. I’m currently scattering my things around his place because it’s so clean and my things are making it look cluttered so trying to do it neatly. I made us breakfast this morning, kissed him goodbye before he went on shift to the hospital. O.O and I’m here, cleaning omg but then I’m gonna do some work and go into the city, possibly with my friend Vaughn.

Or myself. Sidenote Vaughn is a twin and he just moved here. His twin is toronto and I think they are both testing the waters with me right now o.o

Not into them but Vaughn is cute. And I’m excited to see shaireen!! And go to lake Louise

[danidates]

so sexuality confusion but not confusion here. bisexuality privilege talk, i guess. oh and family, and age. just. stigma. dating younger. dating younger AND queer. AKSGNGSL

—- i’m very much into women. i’m yet to properly sleep with one but not because i haven’t tried. lmao anyway that’s not the point.

i’m confused all the way around, i have a thing with *two* people that are younger than I am and one is a guy, good lord, that i’ve known him for years. the other is nina, who is also young, sigh, 4 years younger. both situations would cause my family to have heart attacks.

SITUATION A: YOUNG BOY. PETER PAN

i have known him for, er, his whole life. he’s a family friend. he’s like…3 years younger. he visited me 2 weekends ago. we’ve had this confusing relationship since january, shortly after i “broke” up with the doctor guy, but maybe even during-

i was in winnipeg over December and i came here, and we just would have so many late night conversations and i can tell him anything. it’s always been like that

i’m unsure we just get each other but we’ve really connected. like we did before. but it was more. maybe we needed each other.

it was almost like we were in a long distance relationship, but..not.

before that we always had this illicit attraction/vibe growing up/kindred spirit things, i was really good friends with his sister. our moms are best friends.

there are more complicated issues but i won’t get into that. but if our parents know..or we tried to date or something, it was be outrageous in the south asian community, cos hes been though a bit, AND hes younger.

..and i might have slept with him

SITUATION: PRETTY NINA

not as much to explain. i’m a cradle robber but i forget how old she is, i really just..like spending time with her. that was new, real, it happened before Young Boy was going to come. When he came, I was seeing her but not married to anybody

i like her a lot. she’s open minded, understands health issues, she kisses well- she listens to my racist rants.

but she’s female. my family, the community, just either way i would lose and it would be drama and i’m getting ahead of myself

sigh.

just. i don’t even know if i’ve said anything. i just wish my family was not my family. and i wish i didn’t have to care. when it comes down to it, i will fight for whomever.

but the stress alone. sigh.

[danidates]

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

I wrote this when I was 19.

—

DEENA AND THE ALTERNATING CRUSHES.

there’s so much more to my life but this is the most entertaining, i’d say. DEENA & THE EMO BOY. 001. THE ROM:  we went to the ROM. i was not sure if it was a date. 002. THE ROM WAS A DATE. i know this now. he told me after i looked “gorgeous. as i always do.” his eyes are oh so blue. 003. his life is super-complicated, so i did not press on, i simply let be. it goes beyond this, and i knew my feelings for him were/are dangerous. but still. 004. OH MY GOD. we went to wonderland yesterday. 005. his sister and katrina were there too, but we were cute. by the end of the day, he was holding my hand. fingers brushing lightly on the waist. a finger running up and down the leg, setting off a fire in me. all it took, one touch. my ear next to his heartbeat.  i wished we could be right. it was innocent, really. 006. “you’re going to break my heart, aren’t you” i told him. he is so sweet like no other. he is afraid of hurting me & i with him. i don’t know what to do. 007. OH FUCK. he really likes me. i’m like no other, apparently. 008. but—- “don’t wait around for me. i want you to be happy,” he said. 009. i am in over my head. 010. I HAVE THE WORST TIMING. this is bad timing. this isn’t the right time for us. but i wish it was. his life is too complicated for me right now. he’s a mess and i’d just make it worse.i want to wait for him. but i’m scared to wait for him. 011. we ended before we even began WE WANDER IN AND OUT OF LOVE LIKE ITS MEANT TO SCAR US. ———- DEENA & THE SURFER BOY. 001; AS ALEX. in first year university i was introduced to him. of course, i thought his name was alex. (i know now it was not. obviously) we met briefly and instantly i developed a crush. we spoke not often, but twice, hellos in the hallways for two weeks after the first encounter. then, no longer. so i mourned. 002;  ACCIDENTAL STALKING. i would see him leave from a class with a friend of mine. i knew which class this was, and as a result i knew where he would be those thursdays. he would also leave a class i was about to enter, so there i learned his schedule. by accident. i swear. 003; THERE WAS ANOTHER GUY I MET. so eventually i stopped running into him, for i spent my time with anthony. and no longer did i see alex. then last year, i didn’t see him at all. 004; IT’S RAINING OUTSIDE. i’m carrying my new mac & worried about my hair. i run up to the window, wanting to press my face against the glass. i don’t, when i see who’s there, but alex. alex is who is not alex. 005; I WALK UP TO HIM. "how long as has it been raining?" (i really mean: will you marry me?) "oh not that long? it looks kind of ridiculous." (let’s have sex. right now.) "oh wow, is it getting harder?" (you’re so damn cute.) 006; I TAKE MY PHONE. swing it around. i never have reception anywhere, especially not now. i’m trying to call my friend, ask her if she’s left, does she need an umbrella? i’m waving the phone in the air, and i must look insane. why must i look (even more) insane especially around cute boys? 007; ON THE PHONE. "yeah the guy next to me probably thinks i’m crazy because i’m swinging my phone around trying to get reception." 008; HE LAUGHS. he’s listening. 009. I HANG UP. we talk. i talk, really. ramble. a little. “i just don’t want to go outside! i just got a new mac, i can’t get it ruined…i don’t know why i’m telling you this…” he laughs some more. 010. THE HEAVY RAIN STOPS. we depart. but he doesn’t just leave, he says “bye,” and i run home under the drizzle. 011. IT’S THE NEXT WEEK. i see a guy from behind and tell katrina, “he looks hot.” you can always tell from behind. we walk in, and out of the corner of my eye i see—- it’s the boy from the rain. (they will always be boys to me.) i pretend not to see him, but i loiter and walk kat to class. we are cute and we hug, kat & i. as we do, kat says, “don’t look now, but your boy is looking over at us.” (bump bump goes my heart) 012. SHE GOES IN & I PLAY WITH MY PHONE. i’m pretending to dial or maybe i really am dialing but either way i have no reception. i know he’s across from me. i’m trying not to look. 013. BUT I DON’T HAVE TO. he looks at me as he’s walking by with his friend, and calls out— something about, ‘rain girl,’ or girl from the rain. (BUMP. BUMP.) 014. “I HAVE A NAME YOU KNOW.” i call out. 015. HE STOPS. “oh,” he says. "what is it?" (thump. thump.) "i’m deena." he introduces himself. i get his name wrong, and blame it on my lack of height. i’m too short to hear him. he laughs. his name is vlad. some people think he is too tall. (oh no, no it’s just right) we discuss my cell phone and how much it absolutely sucks. oh it sucks. how vlad would get better reception since i have to wave my phone above my head and he is quite tall. just some little banter. he’s with a friend, who never gets introduced. i don’t care who his friend is anyways. he has to go study, but he’ll—- see me around. (oh he will) 016. I ADD HIM TO FACEBOOK AFTER TWO DAYS. he accepts & right away he writes on my wall. this leads to us having one of those internet conversation via the chat since i am lame, and later to him suddenly inviting me to play tennis with a mutual friend. we’ve only really talked talked twice. do boys normally invite girls they don’t really know to tennis? 017. I RAN INTO ONE OF OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS before i responded about tennis. “what’s this i hear about tennis?” i ask endre. “oh. he [vlad] wanted me to call you, but i didn’t have your number. so i couldn’t.” our fourth person couldn’t come anyways. 018. FOURTH PERSON? WHO’S THE THIRD? oh right. me. 019. NONE OF IT PROBABLY MEANS ANYTHING. 020. BUT IT GIVES ME SOME GODDAMN HOPE ANYWAYS, he has some gorgeous, gorgeous abs.