Worst DofE expedition ever.

(she/her) 4/10 at least limbo had good dining options

[dante-offical]

Hello, i am Dante Alighieri (Im back.)

I'm mostly just here because it's funny ((the mod is not jealous of satan she is a normal person envy is a sin))

((I love using brackets in unusual ways))

[satan-offical]

Poems can be hard to write, y'know?

Especially if you've only ever seen the same kinds of poems

1) Poems must be in standard/formal language

2) Poems must rhyme, or at least have a rhythm

3) Poems must have a message

But honestly I think that's stupid

A poem can be formed from anything!

It does not require a writing technique that is considered etiquette by the reader

It doesn't need to rhyme, at least not all the time

And poems don't need to have a clear message or story!

Just reach into your heart and find something you're passionate about

And try to put it into words

[dante-offical]

Unless ☝ the poem is about being a good Christian boy. Then it has to be long and fancy.

[satan-offical]

I've made it my mission to be known by everyone on Tumblr. And I mean EVERYONE. No account will go without this post, I want to make it to the dead poets society fandom all the way to the ninjago fandom. Everyone will reblog this, and if they don't I will die a failure.

[jinxandtricks]

welp this found me

[satan-offical]

Oh thank god, I was worried it wouldn't get to you

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[json-derulo]

A few additional updates/clarifications:

Mr. Eternal Bluntshine of the Porkless Mind isn't the first idiosyncratic cryptid Partner has encountered at this particular Chipotle. He joins the illustrious ranks of The Lobster Mobster and 300 RPM Matthew McConaughey

Partner says he does not actually mind dealing with this unskippable cutscene every time because A) he finds it amusing and B) on one occasion, after Cool Earrings's intervention, the new employee checked him out at the register, and he rang up the bowl clearly labeled "CA-Q" (carnitas with queso) as chicken, which made it slightly cheaper

Some of my favorite possible explanations from the tags:

[satan-offical]

...

So are you new to train travel or...? ...okay.

[dante-offical]

....I went travelling once :(

[satan-offical]

Rizzing sigma skibidi I have 20 gyatting followers !!! I'm the Alpha male if this pack 🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️

[bubble-official]

Never letting you forget this

[mean-girl-offical]

Reblog to never forget <32

[mean-girl-offical]

@towel-offical @levi-ackerman-offical @laciffo-natas @iron-offical

Idk

@ferg-offical @frickyoumarrieofficial

[laciffo-natas]

Get remembered

[potatomonarch]

Satan having a digital footprint like this is interesting

[satan-offical]

😟 gang😟let me live😟

[dante-offical]

Death

[make-me-president]

the officalverse is so weird because wdym no one is actually not no one but instead a really famous person and satan is a fifteen-year-old girl who kicked it all off and there's a gaslighter going around lying to people and there's a silly frog who I haven't seen do all that much arson smh and there's evil bread for some reason and someone who keeps forgetting everything and a supervillain who may or may not be a better employer than most (at least from what I've seen) and there's a journalist who reports on it all a bunch of other really cool people and everyone just interacts with each other and is having a good time

anyways the officalverse rocks

[guerrillatech]

[dante-offical]

IM GONNA FUCKING GET YOU AI JESUS

[powersbl00d]

why do trans people hate each other .. why cant we all just be happy and frolick in the fields and giggle and eat sandwiches and feed each other berries .. like both transmisogyny and transmisandry exist why cant we just agree on that .. trans people shouldnt be fighting each other over the fact were trans we should be fighting against the pieces of shit who are transphobic ..

[johnny-with-a-fiddle-offical]

Howdy Officalverse! I'm Johnny with a Fiddle, from all those country songs 'bout beating the devil in a music contest! Satan will never have my soul 'cause I'm the best that ever was!

Now here's the only tags I need here and now:

@satan-offical @music-offical @hell-offical @song-offical

[dante-offical]

This guy gets it.

[king-of-oreo]

I have two modes

Patton

And Virgil

No in between

[punky-beaver-offical]

I thought you ment virgil the poet

the one dante was a fanboy of

[dante-offical]

OI

[punky-beaver-offical]

YO NO WAY YOU'RE REAL NON FUCKING WAY

the officalverse really is crazy

also you are literally the biggest Virgil fanboy, don't try an negate the fact

[dante-offical]

my selfship bible fanfic is NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE BRINGING UP. it was a long time ago, ok???

[punky-beaver-offical]

oh yeah since you brought it up

how tf are you alive?

did you threaten god to get back on earth?

[dante-offical]

I wrote myself into the narrative before, and I can do it again.

also there’s WiFi in the afterlife.

[punky-beaver-offical]

NO WAY

im killing myself right now

oh no wait I CAN'T CUZ APPARENTLY FOR YOU SUICIDE IS A SIN

(i wasn't gonna kill myself anyway btw, it was strictly for comedic purposes)

[dante-offical]

don’t you FUCKING dare. Sinner.

[punky-beaver-offical]

im gonna sin SO MUCH

ALSO GIMME TAGLIATELLE

I WOULD KILL FOR SOME DAM TAGLIATELLE RN

[dante-offical]

IM GIVING NOTHING TO YOU, SINFUL WRETCH.

B E G O N E

[king-of-oreo]

I have two modes

Patton

And Virgil

No in between

[punky-beaver-offical]

I thought you ment virgil the poet

the one dante was a fanboy of

[dante-offical]

OI

[punky-beaver-offical]

YO NO WAY YOU'RE REAL NON FUCKING WAY

the officalverse really is crazy

also you are literally the biggest Virgil fanboy, don't try an negate the fact

[dante-offical]

my selfship bible fanfic is NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE BRINGING UP. it was a long time ago, ok???

[punky-beaver-offical]

oh yeah since you brought it up

how tf are you alive?

did you threaten god to get back on earth?

[dante-offical]

I wrote myself into the narrative before, and I can do it again.

also there’s WiFi in the afterlife.

[punky-beaver-offical]

NO WAY

im killing myself right now

oh no wait I CAN'T CUZ APPARENTLY FOR YOU SUICIDE IS A SIN

(i wasn't gonna kill myself anyway btw, it was strictly for comedic purposes)

[dante-offical]

don’t you FUCKING dare. Sinner.

[king-of-oreo]

I have two modes

Patton

And Virgil

No in between

[punky-beaver-offical]

I thought you ment virgil the poet

the one dante was a fanboy of

[dante-offical]

OI

[punky-beaver-offical]

YO NO WAY YOU'RE REAL NON FUCKING WAY

the officalverse really is crazy

also you are literally the biggest Virgil fanboy, don't try an negate the fact

[dante-offical]

my selfship bible fanfic is NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE BRINGING UP. it was a long time ago, ok???

[punky-beaver-offical]

oh yeah since you brought it up

how tf are you alive?

did you threaten god to get back on earth?

[dante-offical]

I wrote myself into the narrative before, and I can do it again.

also there’s WiFi in the afterlife.

[king-of-oreo]

I have two modes

Patton

And Virgil

No in between

[punky-beaver-offical]

I thought you ment virgil the poet

the one dante was a fanboy of

[dante-offical]

OI

[punky-beaver-offical]

YO NO WAY YOU'RE REAL NON FUCKING WAY

the officalverse really is crazy

also you are literally the biggest Virgil fanboy, don't try an negate the fact

[dante-offical]

my selfship bible fanfic is NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE BRINGING UP. it was a long time ago, ok???

[king-of-oreo]

I have two modes

Patton

And Virgil

No in between

[punky-beaver-offical]

I thought you ment virgil the poet

the one dante was a fanboy of

[dante-offical]

OI

[satan-offical]

I'm really cold rn which is strange because I'm in hell

[satan-offical]

Hey this isn't hell

[dante-offical]

I disagree

[gojosatoru-offical]

What I think will happen if I interact with anyone in the offical-verse because I don't know if they're scary or not

[satan-offical]

I hope I'm not scary.

I better not be.

[dante-offical]

I’m fucking terrifying I barely exist and yet I lost the presidential race