As an Aside

I liveblog things. I am passionately into tv, movies, books, video games and NATURE. this is a side blog. I also craft and sell said crafts. currently raising funds for a KC/Alaska trip

[breathtakingdestinations]

Kyoto - Japan (by Karolina Lubryczynska) 

[bampan]

Ten years

I knew

You stopped loving me ten years ago.

What hurts now

Is the dangling promise of a family I never truly had.

I tried my hardest

To overcome ill will, ignorance, hatred, but most of all rejection.

You held your familial bonds ransom

And for my mental health I won’t pay it. Not for a shallow, purely conditional love based on conforming to your ideals.

I just

Miss the simplicity of being children, who loved each other.

You robbbed me

Of my voice, of my safety, of the comfort of love and acceptance no matter what.

I took it back

And you’re not welcome to try again. Time after Time after Time again. You’re gone to me, as if you were lost in a war I never wanted to see anyone fight.

My love

Is worthy, precious, beautiful, amazing and fierce. You will not be allowed to treat it as disposable, disgusting, ugly, worthless any more.

My life

Is a privilege to be in, and you are no longer welcome.

Ten years

Of constant pain ended this year. Goodbye, pain, goodbye, anxiety, goodbye, rejection. I am worth so much more than this.

[darklydreamingrachel]

City life

For the first time since I was six, I've moved to a city. At 100,000 inhabitants, a lot of you would like smile and click your tongues. But for someone who either lived literally in the middle of nowhere, or in suberbs of towns of 6k or less people, this is alarming.

I do not like it. I do not like so many people. I don't like being catcalled, I don't care for all the noise of motors and buzz of lights.

Maybe if I wasn't forced into a place for one person with four other people. Maybe if I wasn't cheated out of a home by a liar, whose god is greed. Or maybe if it were Japan, who has the only cities I've ever found appealing. Then again, I prefer the space and freedom of nature.

The convenience hasn't made this better for me. I don't care that there's a thousand and two places to stop at. I'd rather not be here.

But here I am. I keep being told to look at the positive. There isn't any. I can't truly think of anything good about it other than I'm not homeless. I've consistently had nightmares, I'm crammed into a room with no lighting, my furniture won't fit through the stairs so I have nothing of my own.

I don't know what to do.

Really the small comfort I have is imersing myself into other things. Books, video games, anything about Japan or Alaska, or Arkansas.

Japan has always been a weird comfort for me, I don't really know why but reading about it or watching things about it fills me with a sense of contentment.

Week one in the city, survived.

[darklydreamingrachel]

Dearly departed Grandad

Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your brother. One day I'll visit your grave just to piss on it. You were the ONE grandad I had who I thought wasn't a total piece of shit, and you proved me wrong. Fuck you for screwing over my entire family. Fuck you for not dying before my grandmother. Fuck you for not letting her move by me. Fuck you for not respecting her LIFES WISHES.

Fuck you and every last thing you did, because right now you're to blame for this special kind of hell I'm in.

Fuck all your family, madam zeroni style.

[darklydreamingrachel]

Made my second round of culling my fb list after a hard day. I initially had decided July would be my deadline. But two months of continually being ignored after I blatantly said if you wanted in my life to reach out is long enough. ONE family member reached out. Only one.

And she stays...at least for now.

I made some of the harder blocking/deleting decisions today. If I'm going to be accused of keeping bad people in my life after /being guilted to give numerous chances to multiple people/, then I should do what I want and keep to my word.

It isn't easy. Everyone wants to say it's the easy thing, to cut ties. But to see faces of people you love and remember how they turn on you on a dime, having to pretend on a social media website to not invoke their wrath... what's the point? Why isn't that considered hard? It's much harder to say "I loved you but this isn't healthy" and walk away.

I ran across a status from when I was 19. I felt the same. Old, ugly, unwanted. This year I'm reprogramming my mind. I'm 26, I'm not old. I'm becoming the Queen I've always needed to be, but my throne was taken from me with the nasty actions and words of people I once trusted.

I'm getting my throne back, bitches. It's high time.

[darklydreamingrachel]

My very pink asthetic today

[polaris1401]

Fan Pic 2017 in Target Three pretty ladies #RainBrown #BirdBrown #alaskanbushpeople

[mamaschleis]

@polaris1401, @darklydreamingrachel, @jenjifr, @ngetal_rose

[darklydreamingrachel]

Cuties!

[darklydreamingrachel]

Sick a few days before Christmas and having to do the Holiday Jive is really taking it's toll on me. I don't want to be sick, especially when I actually like Christmas and such. I mean it's to a point that at random intervals I can't even move.

Trying to book a flight for a minor is a nightmare. My dad has the best intentions but at so last minute it's very stressful. I know my cousin needs a vacation, it isn't that. It's just...I like to plan things ahead of time.

I feel like I'm spread too thin. I want the wine my person left here and a nice hot bath with my book.

[darklydreamingrachel]

When your person of interest is super smart and you want to help them but like

They’re a technical genius

And you’re the artist

I mean “slap some pink on that summabitch hun”???

[darklydreamingrachel]

Update: oh my God my person actually had what I suggested and now I feel dumber but god do I have the hots for him. Sticking with the pink idea.

[darklydreamingrachel]

When your person of interest is super smart and you want to help them but like

They're a technical genius

And you're the artist

I mean "slap some pink on that summabitch hun"???

[justinlawrencehoyt]

I want the one in the middle..

[darklydreamingrachel]

Easy to light but how would ornaments fit?

[darklydreamingrachel]

I have streamed almost two seasons of Bojack Horseman in two days.

[darklydreamingrachel]

I just really don't understand the past years constant stress. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I've had a handful of good things happen, I suppose, but even those are things that are up in the air and confusing to me.

One thing, probably the biggest thing, is opening myself up more and dating. I really like the guy I'm casually seeing, but I hate not knowing where it will go and when, if it even goes any farther. I think he's on board for another date, but we're both busy as hell right now and distance just wanted to fuck my ass yet again.

Another thing is the consistent utter disregard for life both of my grandparents have. I just want some reprieve from having to worry about irresponsible adults who neither deserve nor warrant pity. My step grandpa seemingly has forgotten my brother and I since my grandmother died.

Searching for a place to rent, and I'm scared. I want to own a home. I want my own home, dammit, to do with as I please. I want to painstakingly paint it the color I chose and place the furniture where I deem apt. I want the curtains I picked and a fire I started. I want goats and a man to snuggle up with.

I'm so tired.

[justinlawrencehoyt]

Hey Best Friends!! I made this new VLOG for myself, but you can watch it if you want to! Love you!! Also, subscribe to my YouTube or whatever..

[darklydreamingrachel]

Well yeah! Of course it was.

[darklydreamingrachel]

Commissioning these out for a friend! Ponytail hats, handmade. Paypal accepted. Must be comfortable giving me your address!!

[darklydreamingrachel]

I...am considering parting with five dollars to get my name in the credits. I'd prefer if he just kept it towards costs. Justin Lawrence Hoyt has an indigogo!

[bampan]

A Christmas wish for Stephanie

Hello everyone! I created this group as a way to do something for my Aunt Steffy and not spoil the surprise.

As some of yall know, my aunt Stephanie has begun an arduous battle with cancer. This is hard for anyone, but I think it really bothers her not to be able to be out and about helping others. Her heart is so big and so full of love!

I would love if everyone would send her a Christmas card. Please, it would bring her so much joy and hope! And PLEASE signal boost, the more cards the merrier!!

Her address is

Stephanie Ramsey 1207 Grant St Ypsilanti, MI 48197