Random Thoughts

When my head just doesn't have enough room for my thoughts...basic my diary because none I know will find this 😂

[darrensoverflow]

How do i explain...

We spent 8 and a half hour together...we did nothing....but it was everything....

We tried to start our list of films....we just added to it...

I dont know how much time we spent just looking at eachother..and out of habbit asking if he was okay and what was on his mind....but the answer was nothing....and i believed him....nothing....

Before nothing would make me panic, spiral...go mad....but today nothing was contentment....nothing was just bliss.....

We spent 8 and a half hours doing nothing...and i cherished every second of it!!!

[darrensoverflow]

I Finally missed you

its been a while since iv felt this but i missed you today... not the feeling of being round you, I always miss that. But I mean genuinely just missed you as a person.

Normally its just selfish, like iv just had a bad day and want to come back to you because your my safe place where no matter what's happening being around you improves my mood and how i feel about life. but today it was different, I missed you as a person, your smile, your smell. just genuinely you.

I know to some it may not be any different but I was happy in the clarity this gave me as I also understand now how I have taken advantage and not noticed the impact of the person that you are x

[darrensoverflow]

Still early (tight like barbwire)

I know its still early.

we have just got in a good place...which was faster than i thought.

but its like having barbwire trapped around your arm...its been there for so long that the wound have healed and its imbedded.

i am letting go, giving you space but it hurts.

i dont want it too, i know its still fresh so its going to be hard...but the barb wire has been removed and it hurts.

I was used to where it was, so its remembering that this is for the better and it will heal again...it will just take time to get used to...

i know this will make me better as a person and us better together...

its just time...iv spend nearly 31 years on this earth...its just a little more time.

Time...patience...

It Will Get better x

[darrensoverflow]

The confusion but importance

So when you need to work on something the most difficult thing is realising you need to take away before you start adding again.

For the both of us I'm not scared that we wont be in each others life.

That's just impossible, I truly trust that both of us know that our core loves each other not just the people we are right now.

This is the difficult bit, is now looking at myself and seeing the flaws.

This is because I have to accept them so I can see them truly before I remove them.

I have become co-dependant, it is partly true for both of us but more so me, I struggle to be on my own because I got used to you always being there. At the moment I need to get used to being on my own again and enjoying my own company. yours will always be better that will never change but it cant be my only company.

even now putting this down I can feel both the sick feeling in my stomach but also a kind of sense of being free...

I'm not going to put everything down right now I don't think my heart can fully take it yet not just because it makes me sad realising parts of myself started to rot a LONG time ago...im now trying to pinpoint the infection iv found some of it but I know there is more, deep down.

But as I said, starting to strip down that infected part of myself is the most painful thing right now but also; this is where its not all sadness,

I can feel new fibres of me that withered away and are coming back.

it just shows how complex and beautiful even the smallest things are in life. its so easy to focus on the negative parts in life and miss how beautiful everything is...Truly...when you look at it and try to understand.

I know some of this is all over the place, its so difficult to stay focused on one thing in my mind right now.

I just think its important to remember...when something rots it is not useless, it wasn't a waste the nutrients that were grown and exist in that rot will be used to grow something...

it may not be something perfect...but it will be something better.

Don't feel like your starting again, because your not, what you have done, good, bad it will all be used and wasn't a waste.

[darrensoverflow]

Its Been a while...

I'm partially happy to be back to my overflow, iv missed this.

I honestly cant say how much iv missed myself... I didn't even realise that I have been depressed for so long.

I need to relight that fire in myself.

I need to Learn how to Love myself again, don't get me wrong someone else's love is pure bliss and when you don't love yourself enough it can be intoxicating like...a siren's song truly beautiful but in the end very dangerous.

But when you love yourself and have that love...

Its just pure.

It Adds, it doesn't suffocate.

If you were a plant it provides the best nourishment you could ask for to grow who you are, it doesn't limit you keeping the how you are. I'm going to stop this one here as at the moment I have too much on my mind, but I think il do one more... for now .

Just remember, you can still love someone else. just remember to love yourself...its not always easy. but i can tell you now... ITS WORTH IT!

[thoughtkick]

“It’s both a burden and a blessing to feel everything as deeply as I do.”

— Unknown

[darrensoverflow]

[ipoetried]

Today, I learned an important lesson from my therapist.

At the end of our hour, she told me that although I’ve been hurt and broken badly, she can see I still have parts that aren’t shattered. 

I laughed lightly and I said “Yeah, one day that will be all of me, no parts shattered anymore”,

And she said “No, it won’t.”

And, for a second, I felt my heart break - but she continued.

“But it will be the most dominant part of you. Think of your body - if you break your shoulder, even after it heals it will be tender. It will be a sore spot. You will be careful with it. There will be a gentleness when you care for it. If you crack a rib, laughing will hurt and, even after there is no longer a fracture, you may laugh lighter just in case. You can heal, but it is okay to be aware of the parts of you that once hurt the most. The most important thing to know is that where there is tenderness, let there be gentleness.”

[darrensoverflow]

Jellous of myself

Now is it just me or sometimes are you jellous of yourself...me today; had a smoke and I ended up dancing to "I'm yours - Jason Mraz" with my cat!!!!

EXCUSE ME UNIVERSE I CHOSE TO BE THAT HAPPY PLEASE!!!!!!

[darrensoverflow]

We might be doing things for a second time...but still....I'm proud at the fact I can tell our children that you was and always will be my first true love x I love you so much baby girl x

[darrensoverflow]

So much respect for people in long-distance relationships

Lock down 3 has finally got to me....where we don't live together i can't see the love of my life....or if she comes into my work I cant even touch her, not a hug, not a brush of her hand...not even a kiss on the cheek. This is so hard that its heart breaking...I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman but at the moment I can't even spend a second with her.

I can only describe it as a long distance relationship and it fucking sucks so once again...anyone in long distant relationships...I have so much respect for you and I feel your pain x

[love]

[darrensoverflow]

Even with all the crap going on in this world...you still make me smile every day!!! X

I dont know how I went without you...you are honestly my twin flame, my best friend, my favorite person on this earth x I love you so fucking much xxx

[darrensoverflow]

Sometimes it's just better to hang with your demons...because at the end of the day there still YOURS...and then you dont have to worry about anything else

[darrensoverflow]

So it feels like life just wants to fuck me over right now...I just got a car...it was amazing...finally felt like the scale of shit...finally balanced out and I was over the moon...had the best day I had in a LOOOOONG TIME!!!

Then today happened...car broke down before I getting to work...then got the train...delayed...and ended being 3hours 45min late...and the shift was the worst shift iv had by far...and that's saying something considering it was 3hour 15min long...

Then was looking forward to seeing my friend...then got cancelled on...(she has her reason) was just something else to kick me while I was down...literally want to cry...

[darrensoverflow]

So just a realisation on my behalf...

I dont like mot being in control of my life...and my life feels very out of control right now...I lost a friend of 9 years who is the one person I truly used to rely on...I'm living back home(im greatful) i say living...im being aloud to staying there...I have no privacy...when I move something how I want it...it gets moved back...I currently have to rely on others for lifts...I NEED TO GET CONTROL OF MY LIFE, not having control iv putting me near breaking point and I dont know what to do...

[aliceinwondercloset]