That Time I Rode in a Sleeper Bus. Songs of Note, 2/12/15
This week, we're Walking Backwards, attempt to sleep on a bus, experience True Affection, Lie, Cheat, Steal, and fail to sleep on a bus.
First, the Songs of Note:
And now, a story about the first time I rode in a sleeper bus.
As you'd imagine, a sleeper bus is the kind that, instead of seats, contains two levels of bunk beds that passengers sleep on, with curtains to the side to give you some privacy. There's no option to sit; these buses are purely for overnight travel. They usually embark very late at night so that you sleep during most of your trip, allowing you to wake up at your destination fresh as a daisy.
This was not my experience.
The wife and I had already had a great time exploring the "golden triangle" of northern India this past December, visiting ancient forts, bustling towns, and occasionally being terrified by traffic, and we'd already enjoyed the company of her extended family, who were warm, welcoming, and made sure that I'd be fed beyond any level of comfort. After roughly two weeks of being in total awe of India in general, it was time to head to Mumbai for a couple of days for a little more sightseeing, then hop on a plane back home. Belgaum, where we were, and Mumbai, where we were headed, aren't exactly neighboring towns, so our plan was to take a plane over, via regional airline SpiceJet. The flight was scheduled to be roughly an hour long, easy peasy, stress-free. HOWEVER, since India happens to be foggy as all get out, our flight was canceled a day earlier due to said fog. Now my father-in-law considered this possibility, so he took the liberty to book us a pair of sleeper bus tickets over to Mumbai should the need to use them arise. Which as it turned out, was a lifesaver.
Once we get on the bus at around 10:30 the night we were to leave, I realize two things: ONE: these beds are hard and flat, with tiny, also-flat pillows. Whatever, I think, this isn't a rolling hotel, so this will do. Oh but there's a TWO: there were no bathrooms on board. We get to our assigned bunk and climb a small ladder up to it, and get what I'll have to describe as "comfortable," in that we weren't upside down or hanging out the window or something. Since I'm actually the worst, you should know that I need to be pretty comfortable to do any kind of real sleeping. I can nod off like a champ in any situation (standing up on a train, for example), but I spring back to life like some kind of paranoid lemur in two seconds if I am not in a bed, protected by a door with a lock on it. So, I decided to load up my backlog of podcasts and get to listening. I was lying down, listening, generally content when, after about 3 hours (of an 8 hour trip), I realize that I have to use the bathroom. I decide at this point that my best strategy would be to try really hard to sleep, as there were no bathrooms on the bus, and the driver didn't speak any English or as we heard from a fellow passenger, plan any stops. I of course do NOT sleep, and eventually, I had no choice but to investigate the possibility of maybe going to a rest stop.
Now, the driver happens to be separated from the passengers via a thick piece of glass, so you can go ahead and knock on it if you feel like, but that's not going to do you any good as he did not register the manic wailings of a man who desperately needed a urinal. Luckily, others had to go, so eventually the attention of the driver was had, and we pulled over on the side of the road where a row of port-a-potties were situated. A few other folks and I go towards the port-a-potty-ish stalls outside and I enter one of them. Now again, two problems. ONE: It was pitch black in there when I closed the door, and I can barely see the inside even with the door ajar. TWO: it was a standard, "traditional" Indian toilet, in that it's basically a hole in the ground. The only way this was going to work is if I used a combination of outside highway lighting and the flashlight of my iPhone, so I kicked a leg backwards to prop open the door, aimed my flashlight towards the hole in the ground, and did what people do. I couldn't see anything in there, so there could easily have been a cobra, a family of scorpions, mouse-riding cockroaches, or a corpse in there with me and I would never have known.
Anyway, I finish up and head the hell out of there and back to the bus, where we had exactly this much space:
As we still had 5-6 hours to go and the only real activity I was able to enjoy was listening to podcasts while my envy for my resting wife grew, I made the mistake of drinking water. Lots of it. Which meant that, a couple of hours later, I had to go again. I swear, it had to be a mental thing, right? I feel like I'm fine during a movie or something, but put me on the bus where I perceive the complete inability to go to the bathroom, and BOOM, it's all I think about. Anyway, I manage to get the driver's attention quicker this time after knocking on the glass, and we go to a rest stop on the side of the highway which actually had a bathroom inside of a building. A lit one! I hurried up and headed back to the bus, except this time, the driver decided to lift his foot off the brake when he saw me approaching. I start jogging, then running, to the bus door, and once I grab hold of the bar on the inside of the door to hoist myself in, the driver FLOORS it, forcing me to jump inside and clumsily climb up the bus steps toward the bunks. So, that was fun. Thinking back on the way the driver acted that second time, all these scenarios started flying through my head. SO MANY SCENARIOS. What if I took a minute too long and the bus left (apparently possible!)? Nightmare.
Anyway, we get to Mumbai at roughly 7 in the morning, and we all climb out of the bus, myself a zombie-like mess of a person, and we pretty much immediately grab a cab. The cabbie helps us with the bags, gets them in the trunk, and attempts to close it. Except it doesn't, because the bags took up too much space in this tiny trunk. Instead, the cabbie lets the trunk door rest on top of the bags, waves us into the cab, and takes off. Now, one other thing: as we realized when we attempted to tell the cabbie where we were going, he does not, in fact, speak English, nor had he ever heard of our hotel. So instead, we loudly say the name of the neighborhood we were going to (Colaba) which he understood, and started driving, the trunk door bouncing up and down on our bags with every bump, ensuring that I'd spend this entire ride staring directly backwards while my wife attempted to call the hotel so they can tell the cabbie where they were located. We eventually get to within 2 blocks of the place, but the word "LEFT" nor hand gestures pointing to the left were helping our driver, so he started pulling up to people on the street to find out where the hotel was, to no avail. Eventually, he finds an off-duty cabbie in uniform hanging out with a couple others, and asks him where it is. This off-duty guy knows exactly where it is, so he climbs into the cab and navigates the rest of the drive, which was no more than maybe 2 1/2 minutes longer, us in the back wondering if we'd just entered some kind of elaborate kidnapping plot.
Anyway, we finally, mercifully made it to the hotel, and after paying the cabbie, I silently cursed SpiceJet for not investing in some kind of megalights that cut right through fog, and entered the hotel.
What came next was the best goddamn nap ever.
So as I mentioned without actually showing it, India is a beautiful place, and I have plenty of photos to prove it (over at Instagram mostly). It's about time I share some of that magic here.
I'll keep this brief. The only thing you need to know is that the new Father John Misty album is absolutely the goods. True Affection sort of belies the lovely folksiness the rest of the record presents, but it's good in its own right. If you want to check out the rest of it, I have a few recommendations: Chateau Lobby #4, formerly of the Always Clutch Playlist, Strange Encounter, the album's titular opener, I Love You, Honeybear, and the rest of the album. Tillman's voice is most definitely the strongest aspect to the sound of this record, but its strength is more than enough to sustain a full listen, and that's without even mentioning anything related to the excellent, layered sound throughout. Go listen to it.
Checking in with the Always Clutch Playlist...
Toro y Moi - Empty Nesters
Run the Jewels - Lie, Cheat, Steal
Doomtree - .38 Paperweight
Childish Gambino - Retro [ROUGH]
Father John Misty - True Affection
The Black Keys - Weight of Love
Run the Jewels - Early (feat. Boots)
Run the Jewels - No Respect (feat. Travis Barker)
The Rural Alberta Advantage - 45/33
Father John Misty - Chateau Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins)
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jbbartram-illu
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stormborns
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