This may not be the last coming out post, because honestly I may still be figuring myself out. But I’m quite confident it will be.
I’m bisexual.
For quite I while I refused to even entertain the thought of being attracted to men. The pure amount that my own personal trauma, and the need to “NoT Be LIke OTheR GiRls,” made me hate the fact I was attracted to men.
I’m afab, and of course me being attracted to men, was the default. It’s what everyone assumed would happen because heterosexual has been the norm for so long. I had a deep need to prove them wrong.
In 2016 I was the exact stereotype of a lesbian. I had made myself that wag on purpose. I wanted people to see me as that for so long.
It wasn’t until 2019 that I had taken on the label pansexual. And to be clear this is not a post bashing lesbians, pansexuals, bisexuals, or anyone of the lgbtqia+ community, this is just me and my experience with those labels.
Whenever I told someone I was pansexual they would usually say something along the lines of “oh you’re bi.” I cannot describe how offended I would be. I was ashamed of being associated with the bisexual label. My thought process then was that, if I was bi I wasn’t gay enough. I was too much like every other girl, and I wanted so desperately to be different. I hated it when anyone would ever even refer to me as bi, which is valid for people who are not bi and when it has nothing to do with their preconceived ideas of bisexuals. It
Being associated with the label bisexual felt like a death sentence for so long. When I did try once labelling myself as bi in late 2019, I had gotten several comments from family members, classmates, and friends, that would ignore the whole point of bisexuality. Liking more than one gender. I didn’t feel validated or “gay enough” to be in the lgbtqia+ community.
It was the same thing with my asexuality.
My lesbian label is what kept me a valid member of the community.
And right now I know that I was wrong. I was so very wrong.
Bisexuality in itself is such a diverse label and identity. ALL BISEXUALS ARE NOT THE SAME! But even through my many layers of shame and internalized biphobia I still do desperately wanted to say proudly “I am a bisexual!” I reasoned with myself so many times saying,
“I can’t say that. I’m gay. Not bisexual.” No matter how many times I questioned my sexuality I always came back to bisexual. Every single time I would take on a different label, if so just to avoid addressing who I was.
It wasn’t until I had met this guy and had fallen head over heels for him, did I even start considering letting that part of me out.
I researched for days. I felt incredibly shameful. I felt like I was betraying everyone by not being a lesbian anymore. I felt like a fraud.
But after all that I found my people. I had finally felt what it was like to feel comfortable in my sexuality, and who I was. I was no longer feeling horrible for not having either totally “homosexual thoughts,” or totally “heterosexual thoughts.” I had both.
Through accepting myself in the way being bisexual was to me and now is, I had started teaching myself love. I wasn’t limited to one type of love. I wasn’t betraying the people around me. The only one I was betraying was myself.
And honestly I never thought it would even be that hard to say. But it is.
And cheers to all you bisexuals who have to put up with so much shit. Not being gay enough, or too straight. Constantly being shoved into a box, and having assumptions made about you that are not true. And I’m sorry, because I contributed to it, even when I knew that it wasn’t true. I wanted to make myself feel comfortable in a sexuality that wasn’t mine.
But now I’m so happy that I’m able to say.
I am bisexual. And I’m proud. It took a lot for me to actually mean that sentence, but I do.
I am bisexual. And I’m a proud one.
💖💜💙
