hand-biter

it/she | literally physically a (were)dog, specifically a border collie | plural survivor of OEA | main is @polyporpoising | banner is the doggenic xeno-origin flag

[deaddogsdocry]

current host is Smoke (they/them, it/its). it/she collectively. polyplex with programmed DID; some sidesystems originated from programming, others are spiritual and/or spontaneous (or otherwise non-traumagenic). we use xeno-origins such as doggenic and actively dislike being labeled traumagenic.

physically, biologically, literally, etc. an animal. this blog is focused on being a weredog as we were turned into one by our handlers, and an effort to reclaim our doggishness from them and heal. we will talk about the abuse we faced from them.

schizospec. we occasionally experience psychotic episodes, and otherwise exist with a background radiation of sub-clinical quasi-psychosis. our animality and the abuse we faced are not delusions.

we block freely and frequently. you are going to be blocked if you: fakeclaim or "reality check" us, are against non-traumagenic and non-disordered plurality, believe fictional tastes = IRL morals. not an exhaustive list. if one of these applies to you and you aren't blocked from here, you're likely already blocked on our main or are going to be blocked in due time.

we will not reality check ourselves. this means we won't tag our own posts as unreality. if this is a problem, block us.

#barking - original posts #rebarks - reblogs #self rebarks #hm.[name] - headmate tag

#dead dogs crying - vent posts #long walks - rambles (please laugh at the wordplay) #play bow - positive and/or silly moments #self soothing #true things - things we are 100% sure of

#intro post #upkeep - blog upkeep

[deaddogsdocry]

i don't know what was going on. we forgot for a little while. but it's only ever for a little while.

sorry for forgetting we're a dog. we don't deserve all that much. our owners should be back soon. it's okay.

we miss them. i don't know why they left us here. but they'll be back, right? and it'll be okay again.

we were meant for so much more and so much less at the same time. we were such a good pet. i wasn't a very good dog, but they loved us. maybe it's my fault they left. maybe if i'd been a better dog, they would have stayed.

they said they'd come back some day. how long do we have to wait?

[deaddogsdocry]

minor trigger -> panic & programming triggered -> programming says to trigger ourselves more

less trying to resist the programming more there's no easy way to follow it. mind is so fuzzy, so can't use own memories. no easy access to triggering material.

so just sit with the panic. feel it burn our muscles. feel sick and afraid. hear whispered screaming. nothing feels good anymore.

[deaddogsdocry]

thinking about how, according to things we've read, many children who go through OEA aren't just victims of one group, but multiple.

i wonder if that explains the... stratification. the differences between Dreadwood and Softspace, and the difference between Dreadwood and Softspace versus The Dogs. the existence of the Hyena (who still doesn't have a proper name, and whose home sidesystem we still have not found), the depths of our structure. how we seem to remember many different locations.

we've had several OEA dreams. one of the ones that haunts us most is one where we were being auctioned, people offering money numbering in the hundreds or even thousands to use us. memories from The Dogs and their parts have confirmed that that was a real thing that happened to us (even if that particular dream itself didn't specifically happen in the exact way we recall--it was a conglomeration of many different memories all together). was it really just individuals wanting an hour of time to take advantage of our vulnerability? were we being sold off to different groups as well?

[deaddogsdocry]

incredibly freaky to have a random guy show up who is very clearly acting on programming, only to call up the only gatekeeper (internal manager? internal handler isn't correct but there's no other good alternative to describe what i mean) they could be tied to and get back "uhh that's definitely concerning, but also, definitely not one of mine."

who the fuck are you Bipedal Hyena In A Suit Telling Me Endlessly To "Give Up" And Nothing Else....

[deaddogsdocry]

did the RAMCOA dream involve the body's mother as one of our abusers because she was involved without our knowledge, did the RAMCOA dream involve the body's mother as one of our abusers for no reason and she had nothing to do with our abuse, or did the RAMCOA dream not have anything at all to do with our abuse and was just a normal bad dream and we're making shit up?

[deaddogsdocry]

are we healing from our trauma or are we suppressing it?

we haven't felt like a dog in a long time. is that because we're healing, or suppressing?

[dogrotpdf]

how’s that house that raised you?

[malglories]

i do feel somewhat ruined forever. but it’s okay we stay silly

[deaddogsdocry]

insert me eating our dog treats because there's nothing else we really want for lunch

[deaddogsdocry]

never meant to be anything more than a dog.

we never had a chance at a good life, but at least we didn't have to be a monster.

never meant to be anything but a dog. designed to obey, to follow orders, to sit, girl--good, roll over. on your hands and knees. sit. stay. good girl. sit. stay. made of clay, molded by a gentle, guiding hand. a strong, guiding hand. a steady, guiding hand.

bad girl. good dogs don't bite. dogs that bite get sent to the pound. dogs that bite get put down because they're too dangerous. do you want to be put down? no? then sit. stay. don't bite. sit. stay. good girl. sit. stay.

never meant to be anything more than a dog.

[deaddogsdocry]

have had the words "i am just a dog" constantly repeating over and over in our head for the past few days. which is annoying, but relatively tame compared to other stuff that will get repeated. "bad dog"/"i am a bad dog", "dogs don't sleep in beds"/"bad dogs don't get beds"/"bad dogs sleep in crates", etc (the latter tends to only happen when we're trying to sleep and have otherwise been triggered or are very stressed, but it happens often enough).

i am just a dog. compulsively say it if we focus on it too hard. a dumb dog. a bad dog. bad dog. part of recovery is trying to talk about things publicly, because it is an act of defiance to our owners who tried to program us not to, and we need to defy them and break our programming if we ever want to feel safe. i am a bad dog. just a dog. bad dog.

baby steps. i am just a dog. what's important is that we say something about it so we're not just stuck holding it in our own head and heart. but we can obey other, less dangerous parts. i am a dog. and they can be dismantled later but for now it's harm reduction and self soothing while we focus on the stuff that's actually causing problems. just a dog.

[deaddogsdocry]

our owners made us into a dog, not because they loved us, but because it made us more vulnerable and easier to control. this is true regardless of whether our doggishness is literal (as we've been saying) or was a trick and a lie (as the book we've been reading would suggest).

in one way or another, being a dog has been an integral piece of us for some time. even when we tried to repress it. it is representative of our abuse... and i like to think it is representative of our tenacity in the face of that abuse. in the face of our trauma.

some parts think we're still with our old owners. some want us to try and go back to our owners (even though we don't remember who they are or what they looked like, with only some snippets of sound). some want us to find new owners (who would act the exact same) to take their place.

more and more parts are beginning to understand. as the brave first few share their memories with me, i can hold them to show those who are resistant to change. and i can show them that, when we don't have an owner, we're safe. or at least, safer than we were.

we aren't forced to be naked. we aren't made to eat bug-infested "food". we aren't blasted with ice water from a hose or from the shower head when we do something wrong. we aren't auctioned as a toy to play with for an hour to the highest bidder, least of all in competition with our peers. we aren't kept on a leash, we aren't called names, we aren't threatened with broken bones or being experimented on in a lab or being sent to and euthanized in the pound.

we're not a "good dog" or a "bad dog". we're just a dog. and now that we're away from them, we can show them that we're allowed to just be a dog--and more than that, we're allowed to be a happy dog. which is something we never, ever knew with our handlers, even as they tried to convince us we were happy. we're still a (were)dog, we're just a happy one now.

[deaddogsdocry]

Hi! I hope its ok to ask what self help book you have been reading for OEA survivors? no worries if you dont feel comfortable sharing.

ofc! the specific book we've been reading is Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse by Allison Miller. here is the google drive we found it in.

a disclaimer: a lot of the language (and some advice, particularly around littles) it uses for dissociative disorders is at least somewhat outdated (see: the usage of DDNOS instead of OSDD; it also claims that most "successfully programmed" survivors of OEA will have "DDNOS" and not DID, which is itself based on outdated information & diagnostic guidelines) and it seems primarily geared particularly towards survivors from religious (and specifically satanic) cults (or those trying to mimic them) and military operations. there are also some parts that are somewhat satanic panic-y. still, it does have a lot of helpful stuff, and especially for those coming from religious or military-based groups. just gotta keep an eye out for some stuff.

[deaddogsdocry]

really wish the human mother hadn't mentioned there was rice in our dinner because like. a lot of our parts were forced to eat maggots and bug eggs (and food with each of those on it, including stuff that would ordinarily include rice) as punishment as part of our abuse. and it has turned into a thing where now in their heads rice = maggots/bug eggs. we were able to get over this for like, a year (and god, just thinking about how our ex said that our fear/paranoia about our rice actually being maggots and bug eggs was a schizophrenia thing even though we weren't hallucinating, we knew it was just rice, we just couldn't get over the lookalike association), but now that we're starting to dig through our trauma again to try and heal it, it's come back full force. like, "not even being drowned in sauce can make it feel Okay when it used to be that so long as our rice was doused in loads of soy sauce or teriyaki sauce or whatever else could make it seem edible, we just Can't Eat Rice At All so long as it's visibly still rice" kind of bad.

and we didn't know that there was rice in these stuffed bell peppers. great! until she told us. and our parts have turned the association of "rice might be maggots/bug eggs" into "rice is maggots/bug eggs (or is too likely to be maggots/bug eggs to take the risk)". Not Great.

[deaddogsdocry]

i'm just trying to shovel dinner down as fast as i can and i know my parts are extremely extremely unhappy (i think there's a part used to taking punishments snapped in which is the only reason why it's somewhat bearable for me), but i'm just hoping that if i eat it fast enough and it's gone, the panic will go away. or, at the very least, it won't be as drawn out.

[deaddogsdocry]

really wish the human mother hadn't mentioned there was rice in our dinner because like. a lot of our parts were forced to eat maggots and bug eggs (and food with each of those on it, including stuff that would ordinarily include rice) as punishment as part of our abuse. and it has turned into a thing where now in their heads rice = maggots/bug eggs. we were able to get over this for like, a year (and god, just thinking about how our ex said that our fear/paranoia about our rice actually being maggots and bug eggs was a schizophrenia thing even though we weren't hallucinating, we knew it was just rice, we just couldn't get over the lookalike association), but now that we're starting to dig through our trauma again to try and heal it, it's come back full force. like, "not even being drowned in sauce can make it feel Okay when it used to be that so long as our rice was doused in loads of soy sauce or teriyaki sauce or whatever else could make it seem edible, we just Can't Eat Rice At All so long as it's visibly still rice" kind of bad.

and we didn't know that there was rice in these stuffed bell peppers. great! until she told us. and our parts have turned the association of "rice might be maggots/bug eggs" into "rice is maggots/bug eggs (or is too likely to be maggots/bug eggs to take the risk)". Not Great.

[jun-hug]

Foxes in Snow

my carrd ★