I don't know what else to do but write sometimes

[deardiaryshit]

draft 1: the letter i might send

hey. i havent heard from you since february, and a lot has changed on my end, but most significantly, i have spent most of my time since then pouring over our relationship and tearing apart the ending to make it make sense to me. and slowly but surely, what made no sense to me at first started to clarify itself, and my mistakes became so glaringly obvious that i couldn’t play the victim anymore. i couldnt cry and bitch about how you left me high and dry, because the veil lifted and i realized that everything that happened was caused by me.

when i really think about it, i was selfish in so many aspects of our relationship. i wanted you to be less insecure, to stop worrying about me and who i was texting or where i was, but at the same time i refused to give you security in us. i held back commitment and then shamed you for feeling disposable. i dont even really know why i did what i did because i wanted no one else. even that day in wingstop when i told you we should both hold out for our soulmate, that conversation is so baffling to me because i knew then and i knew now and i always knew that you were the best thing that has happened to me. 

i wanted to write this letter at first to tell you how much i miss you. i know thats selfish of me, that im making it all about how sad i am, but its the most natural letter to write. i miss you so much that i cant breathe sometimes. i miss you when i roll over at night. i miss your smell and your hands. your soft hair or prickly buzz cut, the way that your eyes cut straight through all of the bullshit and glowed to me. i miss your “come here” in your gremlin voice, the way that you could laugh and call me a little shit when i played with you, the way your body felt when i held you, the comfort i got from having you near me. i miss everything, every part of it. i fall asleep every night on our mattress and i think about the first night you moved it into my house, the way you made the bed, the way you made me feel like i had a home in you. i wish so badly that i could have one more of those nights with you. if i could go back in time and live in a moment, i have a few favorites, i have a few wishes.

it is a special kind of torture to know that you’re out there somewhere. to feel a connection withering with time and hurt. and to know that i did this, that i am the divide, that i destroyed something so beautiful, that i broke what i loved the most. i look back now and know how many times you cried to me asking for me to change course, begging me, telling me that you had one foot out the door and you didnt want to leave, and it kills me that i never believed that the day would come. i took advantage of your patience and your love and your kindness and now youve had enough and theres nothing i can do about it.

i dont know why i stopped reminding you how stunning you are. i dont know why i didnt text or call like i used to, why your phone contact changed in my phone from hearts and stars to first and last name. i would give anything to go back in time and shower you with love like i used to in the beginning, like i shouldve done the whole time. my world without you is not the same. 

now that i read this back, this is not the letter i will ever send, i need something better than this, i need it to bring you back to me. 

[11990904]

[deardiaryshit]

there will come a day when you don’t think of me. that day will become a week, and my mark on you will fade. or it won’t fade, but you will forget what you were like before the scar. you’ll adopt the scar as part of you. a birthmark. and you will claim the pain i caused you as your pain, the hurt will become a personality trait, and i will not be tied to your tears anymore.

and as much as i know that it is a part of moving on, a part of healing, i fear that day. the day that passes that i will know nothing about because you won’t announce it to me. that will take you to another dimension that i don’t exist in. in fact, maybe that day has already passed and i didn’t even hear about it. and it has passed by with you unaware because that is the nature of That Day.

i fear the day that i stop existing in your mind. i have lived there so long that it is more real to me sometimes than the world i really live in. i set up shop there. i never got a chance to go home and pack, it was devastated by a house fire and left to decay slowly as you got farther and farther away.

but i sometimes wish for that day for myself, a day where you don’t wake up and stretch into the corners of my every thought, a day where it does not hurt to miss you, a day where i don’t write to you or long to hear your voice again.

but i also fear That Day for me as well. the day that i am alone in my own mind again, the day that passes without a thought of you, the day that turns into weeks, months, years without you. i know that i won’t notice, that is the nature of the thing, but it still makes me so sad. 

[quotemadness]

Do you ever realize how badly you’re going to miss a moment while you’re living it? Like wow, these are the good days. I am here and I am happy and I am alive.

Unknown (via quotemadness)

gotta get in this mindset MORE

[deardiaryshit]

things that have Not been as fun since you left me

- dancing

- mindhunter

- falling asleep

- the hugs i get lately (havent had too many) hit different

- grad school

okay, on a positive note, that’s a shorter list than i expected

[deardiaryshit]

to the boy who fucked my brain up, left for months, and facetimed me today

okay listen. i have no problem being whoever i need to be, i have no problem disappearing.

but when you take the time to tell me that i am the worst thing about yourself, then you call me to let me know i inspired your college major, my head cannot stop spinning.

i want to go back in time and unlearn you, untangle the web, like i have a pocketful of headphones and no energy for music anymore when i see them in knots. 

[deardiaryshit]

8/26

today i sat in bed with one of my best friends and she told me i have to do something to help myself now. that i need to find something to love again. she asked me what used to make me happy...i told her when i was younger i used to read. she said that would be a great idea: a bookstore, a coffee shop, but all i could think was that i just wanted to read alone in bed like i used to. then i think to myself if i have ever been less than depressed, if i remember being happy even as a child, but i dont really want to go there just yet mentally.

we decided to look up things to do. in the pandemic, there’s a whole lot of zoom meetings with free meditation sessions and things, so i signed up for a bunch and i hope i end up going. i hope that interacting with people will make me feel less rusty when i order something in a drive thru and have to act like a person. i hope that it makes me better.

one thing that we saw was a writers’ group where we critique each other’s writing. i told her that if she came up with a prompt for me, i’d do the same for her. i told her that she should write about the most vivid memory that she has from living in india. she told me that i should write about the place that i love the most. 

i got the same prompt when i was in 5th grade and remember being mortified when the teacher chose to read it aloud. i had written about how the hayfield in front of my house would look like gold and how we would tie the top of the hay together to make tunnels, how the little field mice would pop through our hidden world sometimes. and i remember someone saying “someone’s favorite place is grass?” loudly from across the classroom, and i was glad i was anonymous even if my burning face wasn’t.

so i think i will come up with my own prompt. 

[thehopefulquotes]

Breathe. You're going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you've been in this place before. You've been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you've survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too . These feelings can't break you. They're painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you'll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.

[silencekillsthelonelysouls]

It comes and goes in waves. Always.

[bpdrastic]

“i really need someone to comfort me”, i say as i continue to isolate myself and push away all my friends

[deardiaryshit]

monsters play chess

monsters play chess sometimes

sometimes crushing the pieces in their oversized hands

but always taking turns, even if they growl impatience

monsters might also play monopoly

where we all steal a little from the banker

monsters steal a little extra, then remember

it is time to play hopscotch at nightfall

when no one is around to see them

gleefully move from space to space

monsters might also have time for trash tv

they cook a little, burning the bottom of the pan

they do dishes afterward, and sometimes,

if we’re lucky, they make dessert

monsters aren’t always hidden in closets

not always nefarious

they don’t always grab at ankles from under the bed

they might make a pillow fort

and wouldnt it be something to see

a monster using its huge hands

sharp claws to carefully put the last piece in the puzzle

pressing it down to make sure it fits

it would be something, but it would 

make it pretty hard to be scared too

[deardiaryshit]

this was a drunk poem and i am revisiting it

drunk version:

knees bent and god says

what are you doing here

i am here to worship you

but i am not like god now

i am so small and broken

[deardiaryshit]

A letter to the boy who wrecked my shit

it has been three years since we were on the same page about anything, and when im being honest, we were never on the same page at all.

you told me so many times that what we had was something that transcended everything: time and space meant nothing if what we had was what we thought it was. and i was so skeptical. because this couldnt be love right? there was no way that after everything i had fallen in love with someone who could barely go five minutes without an inappropriate joke or a bark of a laugh. but it was love, at least to me. when i first started writing poems about your eyes looking like cows and your eyelashes pointing downward, i knew that i was wrapped up in you in a way that was unfamiliar to me. 

i talked to the crisis prevention hotline the other night because i was going to kill myself. well, technically, i texted them, and i just let them know what i was feeling. they told me to write this letter, to journal or write poetry like i used to. i told them i stopped feeling like writing a long time ago, and they floored me with their response: does your writing not matter if you can’t send it to them? seems like its like you have nothing to say if he can’t hear it.

so here i am, princess. i am here writing a letter to no one imagining that i get to say all the millions of things i wish i had said to you back then or all the things i want to say now. we really warped this thing, didn’t we? looking back on what might’ve actually been love, i feel like a careless caretaker. i feel like i let the garden get overgrown into something unrecognizable.

I know that i loved you. i know that i loved you when you borrowed my jacket and gave it back, before i would admit to even myself that i thought of you at all i buried my face where your neck mustve been and fell asleep heart in throat.

i know that i loved you more than anything in my world because i saw everything that i would give up for you: my world in balance and i could not care less if i had the chance to make you laugh or smile.

you carved “i love you” into wood and i ran my fingers over and over like it was summoning something in you that could only hope to match what was in me. and when it was all crumbling around me, i lost myself trying to find you again. in the rubble, i sifted through for you until my hands hurt and my eyes watered and i saw that you still had a space for me but the fraction of what you had left to give me stung me even more so i wrecked everything. i was a brat. i was ungrateful for it because i wanted everything, to consume you the way i had been consumed, so i destroyed the small oasis you offered and told myself if i couldnt have everything i wanted nothing at all

but i could never get away from you. you had hooks in me deeper, internal organs that wouldve punctured if i got away from you. i did not know what to do but live impaled and bleeding and in the shadows.

all i have ever had for you is unbridled emotion, whether it was love, hate, resentment, anger, it was always something wild in me that could not be tethered back to reality...what i regret most of all is letting this grow large enough to be uncontrollable. that loving felt like letting go, but letting go meant letting it rule me.

i cannot count how many times i have cried for you. i do not have a concept of how much of an impact you had on me, but nothing has felt the same since the first moment i saw you, its like you were colliding with me and sending me off course.

i am so far into this new course that i do not know my own name, i cannot remember who i was or who i hoped to be way back then

when you told me to kill myself, i felt loved, i felt understood, i felt like if i died that night i wouldve been at peace finally and the static would stop ringing all around me

if i had to settle what i feel for you now, i love you still, but it is the way that i love everything that hurts me. i love with two hands, arms length. i love but recoil from your touch and heart dropping at your texts. my heart loves like a beaten dog, my heart cries like a child forgotten, i am an abandoned building with the lights still on and the door unlocked, but i am falling apart around myself as i wait for the return

the therapist i watch online said that i need to grieve what i lost. and to name the things i am mourning. i am mourning the moment we could be together. all the waiting amounted to nothing as the days pass and we grew farther apart. i am grieving the loss of what could have been. a beautiful brown-eyed baby and the laughter that surrounded me. i miss the might haves. i miss the have beens. i miss the way you phrase thoughts, i miss being pulled out of the darkness held only by your hand. the anchor i had to what should have been real. 

i wish i did not become the monster in your closet. i wish i was not the villain of this story. if i could do one thing differently, it would be to give up the good so that i could avoid the bad. i would do anything to go back in time and remove my touch from your life, to keep my hands off and my mouth shut. but i loved and loved clumsy, i loved in a way i still dont understand now but definitely didnt understand then. 

i know it was love. i know it was what you said it was and you recognized it before i did and you empowered me to not fear but embrace it. i usually wonder if i had listened to the fear, if this couldve all been avoided. but youre convincing and i was half on board even in fear, so i think i wouldve jumped regardless.

you being my only love is fitting. i know now that love is more powerful than i imagined, less contained then a hallmark card. i will never let go of the emergency exits again and i will never feel encompassed, and that is sad but it is good, it is a good compromise for my heart that love will be in doses from now on. it will be on my terms. it will never be like that. i will never be like that. i wont try love again.

so there it is, crisis hotline be damned, i wrote. 

[deardiaryshit]

August 9, 2020

It is fitting that this tumblr is the only password that i remember. flash forward some years, and I still have not gotten pregnant, have lost multiple relationships, and live life in a suicidal daze most days. 

i hate myself. i dont want to be alive. i would like for all of this to end.

[babyphotography1]

[ttcequestrian-blog]

The moment you’re ready to quit is usually the moment right before your miracle happens.

Day one of positive affirmations (via ttcequestrian)

[lovemakesyouwonder]

[deceptivelips]

(18+)