Definitely A Scientist

28 | she/they | INTJ | neuroengineer

[molecularselkie]

Some more wisdom from my PhD supervisor:

When I confided in him that I don't always feel good enough for science, he replied:

"Oh, I'm not good enough either. But that's okay, nobody is. We still try our best."

That reversal of mindset kinda stuck with me. Focus on the task rather than on your perception of yourself.

[goth-queen]

[definitelyascientist]

As someone who has grown up in fandom spaces and has circled through a range of fandoms it’s really interesting when their impact comes out.

Like I am in the middle of my PhD but my special interest from a decade ago just twitched its leg and now that’s how I’m motivating myself to get anything done.

[definitelyascientist]

phd_5.exe

It still seems unreal but I passed my upgrade viva. In all honesty I had not been aware of how important that entire upgrade thing was going to be, given that I always assumed between getting accepted into a phd and getting a phd was just you and the void, but alas.

I passed with minor corrections. Which personally I am more than happy with. The fact that they only critiqued my literature review is like music to my ears.

Which still means that out of 100 pages I need to rework 25. Which in all fairness is doable and an amazing excuse to become a hermit again.

Having the workspace of dreams (almost) and feeling like Tony Stark in his lab is doing wonders for my mental health.

[definitelyascientist]

mental_health.exe

It’s quite interesting how many people think those in academia develop mental health issues as a result of academia. Or that everyone who already had those struggles goes into academia as a way of coping.

Personally, while my struggles with my laundry list of issues were an initial motivator, I have reached a point where I just wanna invent. I just wanna build and research and have fun. I have been so happy to just do this.

But these past couple weeks I’ve had these bouts of paranoia. It’s my mental health struggles bleeding into my one big struggle at work - my imposter syndrome. They’re feeding off each other, in addition to my every day anxiety. I am so tired but I cannot sleep. I am so excited but I cannot laugh. I am so scared and all I do is hide.

I don’t want to work myself to death. It happened to my dad, exactly like this. And I miss him so much every day, and it feels like he’s telling me to take it easy. To not end up like him.

But then there’s the other inputs, those from many years ago, telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not worth medical treatment, and that I am plain stupid.

It’s opposing forces and I am stuck at a point where I have to figure out how to harness this energy instead of letting it eat away at me. I know that I cannot get rid of either of these inputs, conservation of energy and all that.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_5.exe

Been off tumblr for a bit because life and work have been a lot. Not that I’m complaining, to be honest it has been busy yes but I am also just happy and excited. I recently got the prototype or a prototype system running, which is still far from anything functional, but it feels like the base is being build for my entire PhD project.

On that note I am constantly torn between “oh damn I’m doing so well” and “oh damn I’ll never manage this in time”. I am aware that this is one of the pitfalls of academia, but I’m trying to give myself these little moments, these wins. It’s important to acknowledge each step whether to hype or humble yourself.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_4.exe

Pretty sure this does not qualify as work from home but it’s also not the office hehe. I’m visiting my mama for a couple days, trying to work on the data I have been able to collect so far. It’s all starting to take shape which is fun but also terrifying. The latter mostly because it gives me less space to manoeuvre if something doesn’t add up the way it’s meant to. At the moment I am aiming for optimism tho.

[definitelyascientist]

weekend_2.exe

The past couple weeks have been exciting but also so exhausting. At least taking aesthetic pretentious pictures makes my brain happy and I get to romanticise my stress.

Anyways today I went to a conference at my uni and some of the talks were really fascinating, albeit not my area of expertise. Even though I didn’t present any poster myself, I got to talk about my project a lot and it just made me realise how much joy this journey brings me. When I signed up to go into science I anticipated or at least hoped it would, but having these moments of “I was right” really boost my confidence.

[definitelyascientist]

phd_4.exe

I wish I could say that my PhD journey is not riddled with me projecting onto fictional characters whenever I feel stuck.

Working on code? I’m drinking too much coffee yapping to an AI like Tony Stark would.

Labs not working out? I go play viola badly like Sherlock Holmes would.

And honestly, it works. Why shouldn’t I channel the people who inspired to get me here anyways? I have so far been more motivated than most of my peers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the autistic power of maladaptive daydreaming that got me here.

[definitelyascientist]

phd_3.exe

It is fascinating how differently I experience my PhD journey than my friends with the same supervisor or in the same group. I feel that having worked in service and jobs outside of academia, the setting of a distant manager is not as foreign as for those who had their undergrad supervisor feed them each step to graduation.

Where some complain about a distant and impossible to reach supervisor, I am quite glad that I can just do my own thing. My project brings me so much joy, and knowing that this is me learning, knowing, and developing something does wonders for my self-esteem.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_3.exe

07.02.25

It is truly astonishing how much joy taking pictures like this and studying can bring me. I feel like for the first time in a while I can do these silly things and not feel bad for not doing more, commercialising my joys. Tumblr is healing me compared to other platforms where you gotta keep posting and engaging or nobody will ever see you. I am sharing things because they bring me joy, and because I know others can enjoy them too.

In other news I have been able to read more papers AND to fine tune my algorithms for an upcoming experiment. It is so exciting I can’t wait if I am being honest, but taking my time to further understand what I’m going to do once I have the data is just as important.

[definitelyascientist]

weekend_1.exe

Went on a trip to another town yesterday to get a new tattoo. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to stop working and go out. Yes, I love my PhD and my project. If I was able to work on it non-stop I probably would in some aspects. But that’s how burnout happens, that’s why so many of my peers started to resent their projects and topics.

I don’t want that to happen to me. So going away for a day trip on my own was fantastic. And I’m a little obsessed with my new tattoo as well ✨

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_2.exe

[academic-vampire]

𝔞𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔫𝔞

[definitelyascientist]

phd_2.exe

By now I have met many different people in my research group and department. It is fascinating to observe the dynamics everyone has with themselves and others. Engineers absolutely are some of the least social people I have ever engaged with and I honestly enjoy it. Which doesn’t mean they don’t yap. My desk neighbour frequently asks me questions that start with “as a girl what do you think.”

It is kind of endearing, but I also understand why some of the other femmes in the group are annoyed with the mascs.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_1.exe

[definitelyascientist]

phd_1.exe

Calling this 1 feels a bit wrong, since I have started my PhD a couple months ago now. But it is the first time I am talking about it here so I got to deal with it.

Starting a PhD in a wildly different subject than any of your previous degrees is both exhilarating and humbling. For one I feel like a superhero who is just switching around saving the city and writing some hot new gossip. But then I try to feel connected to my peers, join in on conversations, but I have no clue.

I am aware that this position is a result of my own choices (mostly), but every day goes between "omg I am a genius" and "omg how have they not realised I am a fraud yet."

Nobody is a stranger to imposter syndrome (actually my MSc supervisor was. But sure increased mine.). And I hate to be the person that is pointing the finger at herself, screaming "oh little poor me, my imposter syndrome is so much worse than yours!", but I want to acknowledge the myriad of reasons why I feel like this. Even if I compare my imposter syndrome to those of my friends and work mates.