I’m writing this post to those men out there who have women in their lives who have indicated they are submissive and want you to be their Dominant. What does that mean? What does she want? Not every man is a Dom, so how do I know if I am?
Some people will say if you have to ask, the answer is no. To be a true Dom, it has to be part of your essence. You can’t fake this or just do it to please her—that is not being Dominant, that is being a service top. But that doesn’t mean asking the question means you are automatically not a Dominant. We men have lived our lives indoctrinated in what makes a good man, at least when it comes to women. Treat them well, be nurturing, they are equals and never, ever hit a woman. A guy who tells a woman what to do all the time is domineering and obnoxious. We have images of ourselves as nice guys as society defines it and it is not easy to reconcile the D/s life with what we have been taught from birth.
But one day your girlfriend/wife indicates she wants something more. It can be, like it was for me, a comment about how much she liked me holding her hands above her head while I pinned her legs and touched her until she fought to get away but couldn’t move, which led to a conversation about spanking. If your wife is really brave and knows herself really well she may even write you a letter saying she wants you to spank her and that it’s OK to do so.
But however much she expresses to you what she wants and likes, there is so much more that she just can’t say. It’s not about the spanking, it’s about the lifestyle. About the dynamic. She wants you to fundamentally change how the two of you interact. But she can’t say that. Because as a submissive, the whole point is not to be controlling the situation, not to be dictating what is going to happen. It HAS to come from you. And you have to mean it.
So, in no particular order, this is what she is asking and telling you:
She is feeling anxious, stressed, adrift and empty. She needs you. Deep inside her is a hole only you can fill. She needs you to step up and be the anchor that keeps her grounded and keeps her from being lost at sea. This isn’t a game, sex play, fun, (although it will include those things). It isn’t part time or a whim. She is asking you to be the foundation of her being. It’s a big ask and a big commitment. And the rewards for both of you are equal to the responsibilities.
It’s not about the spanking or anything else you do in the bedroom. You will cause her pain. Sometimes a lot of pain. It will excite her. A lot. It will excite you too. At first you will be unsure about that. What does that mean about you to be physically excited by causing someone you love such pain? But you learn that it’s not about the pain, it’s about the dynamic. What she needs is to feel your strength. Only by knowing how strong you are can she feel safe in your arms,. Can she know you will protect her. She needs to feel that strength and domination and you are giving her a gift every time you demonstrate it.
She wants you to control her in some way. How much depends on the woman, but she wants you to take over the decisions about parts of her life. She wants to not have to worry about things, to be able to stop thinking, to calm the buzzing in her brain. Don’t keep asking her what she wants, decide. You know her well enough to know what she likes and wants. Also, it can’t always be about what she likes and wants—you are Dom, it has to be about what you like and want too. Especially physically, she wants to feel you take what you want from her.
Set Rules and enforce them. What they are and how many is up to the two of you, but there needs to be rules and you need to be absolute in your enforcement of them. I don’t care how tired you are, how much fun you’re having, or that she had a bad day and deserves the day off, no. Unless you approve a change because of a serious issue that requires the change, if a rule is not followed a consequence must happen. A punishment spanking, orgasm denial, whatever. It must happen quickly and be strong enough to match the transgression even if she begs, pleads, cries for you to stop or go easy. She has to not want to make the mistake again. This is essential. Even a little bit of weakness in enforcing the rules will destroy her sense of security, well-being, and submission.
Aftercare is an absolute requirement. After you have punished, or even just had a rough session of you taking her to difficult places, pushing her boundaries, enforcing the dynamic, you must spend time holding her, caressing her, telling her how much you love her. These sessions break her down to her essence and she feels exposed, empty. You need to feed her your strength and show her you accept all those parts of her that scare her. Once you do, you will help her rebuild and she will be stronger after. This can take time. Spend the time and focus on it.
Controlling her does not mean you will lose that witty repartee and funny, sassy woman you fell in love with. She will be her usual strong self in all of her life except in the particular areas you have set boundaries. When I wrote my acceptance letter to my submissive I likened it to a painting we were creating. I was setting clear and defined outlines for us, so that she was free to be as creative as she wanted to within those lines. By feeling secure in the knowledge of where the edges were, she felt even more free within them.
She will test you. She needs to know those boundaries are secure. Otherwise she will feel insecure. So she will occasionally push and test to see if you are still watching the walls. Be strong and show her you are and she will be the happier for it.
Being a Dom does not mean you are not being nurturing. On the contrary, she has given her mind, heart, and body to you so you are now responsible for her and her well being. You must care and cherish her, tend to her when she needs help, protect her, she is yours and she is precious. Once you have opened this connection, you will be closer than you thought possible. The intensity of your love and passion will surprise you.
If you can do these things, and really mean it, feel it, then you are a Dom and you will make your girlfriend/wife very happy.
