Iâm imagining some random palace guard telling Vader this, afterwards.
âSo this fuckingâSKYWALKER, dude, have you ever heard the name Skywalker? You know what it means? A FUCKING ASSHOLE, thatâs what it means. Like. The first one was bad enough, this little shit named Anakin who was fuckinâ NINE YEARS OLD and he just WON THE FUCKING BOONTA EVE PODRACE and set SIXTEEN bookies out of business and if I ever meet him Iâm gonna set him on fire for itâ
âAnd then this new one, Luke? Fuckinâ nobody, raised by his aunt and uncle out in the Wastes, little aw-shucks hick farm kid, the kind you could give him a five-credit piece and a ten-credit piece and he keeps taking the fiver because itâs BIGGER, that kind of simple, and then he comes into Mos Eisley one afternoon and sells his aunt and uncleâs moisture farm, right, Iâve been out there a few times, several of us have, and itâs a nice place as far as moisture farms go, mildly profitable, and the kid is fucking happy to get like two-thirds its value, so he sells the farm, right? TO NINETEEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how much Jabbaâs finance people had to do to get that sorted out? Nineteen fucking mortgages on ONE fucking property, puts every real estate con Jabba the Huttâs entire CLAN ever pulled and we were on the WRONG SIDE OF IT! We had every pirate and smuggler from here to Corellia laughing at us! And THEN! And THENâ!
âSo he pops up via hologram message acting like a DIPLOMAT from the REPUBLIC, claiming a title and rank from an extinct, defunct, ILLEGAL order and wanting to bargain with Jabbaâare you fucking kidding me, BARGAIN WITH JABBA for a smuggler whoâs up to his ass in debt when heâs responsible for that farm scheme, acting like he doesnât even fucking REMEMBER it and expects that Jabbaâs forgotten it too. Like. Absolute fucking idiot, and anticipating that Jabbaâs just as stupid. And he offers a pair of droids as a gift. Like, built-in-the-Republic-era, random-ass droids that he probably picked up from the Jawas that morning for a few hundred credits and a junked âvaporator.
âI mean, Jabbaâs seething here, but hey, free droids is free droids. Whatever. He takes the droids, throws things, orders a fight to the death between two gamblers who owed him money, killed one of his dancers at some point ⊠and then Boushh shows up with fucking Chewbacca in chainsâheâs Soloâs first mate, so Jabba was all happy about that, but not happy enough to pay the full bountyâand whatâs Boushh do? Pull some gonads out from somewhere after all these years, and also pull out a fucking THERMAL DETONATOR! Going to blow us all to fuck if he doesnât get his measley fifty thousand, and, well, thereâs no arguing with crazy like that.Â
âSo now, if youâre keeping score, Jabbaâs lost an absolute SHITLOAD of money and had his bookmaking industry fucked all to hell for like three years after the stunt from Skywalker the First, got screwed out of ANOTHER shitload of money in the farm scam by Skywalker the Sequel, got all but called an idiot to his face and insulted six times over by the same dude whoâs apparently scammed so many people heâs forgotten who he has and hasnât scammed, and got threatened out of fifty thousand credits by a second-tier bounty hunter IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT.
âAnd then the next morning, what the fuck? Jabbaâs favorite sculpture is gone, the one with Solo as its main ingredient that Boba Fett brought him. And Boushh is gone. And Jabbaâs got a brand-new dancer chained up next to him. Night duty guy tells me Boushh unfroze Solo, and the new dancer girl IS Boushh, which, okay, youâre dealing with people like that and you look like that? You definitely need a helmet, but I feel like pretending she didnât breathe oxygen was overkill. Anyway, then Skywalker shows up. All alone, no weapons, nothing, like he really believes in this Jedi shit. Arrogant little bastard, and weâre all laying bets on how Jabbaâs going to kill him.
âSo he talks a little, and fwoop! goes the trapdoor, and okay, everybody who bet on âRancorâ is doing a little happy dance, but then! BUT THEN! He fucking KILLS THE RANCOR! Drops its own cage door on its head and punches right through its skull! Andâfucking NOBODY bet on that, which is a damn shame because everybody else wouldâve just torn the winner apart out of sheer rage at that point and we coulda used some good bloodshed then, yâknow? I mean, I dunno if youâve ever met Jabba the Hutt, but heâs the kind of boss thatâll just go off and kill you for failing him or just because heâs angry at something. Just complete fucking asshole. I mean, he was pissed enough that everybody was worried for their safety, and so somebody dying messily right then wouldâve calmed him down a bit.
âSo Jabbaâs big mad, and he gathers Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca all together and says heâs gonna feed them to the Sarlacc, which is a nasty tentacled carnivorous plant out in the desert, so we all board the sail barge and have a nice little pleasure cruiseâhave you ever been to Tattoine? Iâm fuckinâ kidding, itâs brutal. But hey, we get to see Skywalker executed, right? Wrong.
âJabba offers them the chance to beg for their lives, and Solo calls him a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, which, I mean, I could do better, yâknow? If Iâm about to die? Anyway, Skywalker goes up first, gets prodded to the edge, flips a salute off to who-knows-where, and does this little twist in midair, catches the fucking plank, and fucking SPRINGBOARDS himself back onboard, CATCHES HIS LIGHTSABER FROM MIDAIR where the one DROID shot it to him, and starts sending guards over the side, usually in pieces.
âSo more guards rush forward to help, and thereâs this huge fight, and fuckinâ BOBA FETT falls in, and while thatâs going on? The fucking dancing girl has grabbed her chain and is FUCKING STRANGLING JABBA WITH IT! Like, I look over and heâs bucking and struggling and sheâs pulling on that chain like anything, and then somebody hits me over the head with a bottle of Corellian brandy, and by the time I look again heâs pitched over dead! And nobody freaking bet on that!
âAnd then? Off they fucking go, Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca and the dancing girl and the droids and one of the guards who I played sabacc with the other night and he owes me twenty credits! And that fucking Skywalker just cost me my job, and if I see him again Iâm going to burn him to cinders myself!â
The man subsides, eyeing the gigantic ebony figure in front of him who, except for a couple of momentary starts as though he might say something, has been silently listening to him all this time.
Size-wise, Darth Vader has nothing on Jabba the Hutt, but somehow, he is scarier.
Finally, the dark form speaks. âYou said you could do better.â A momentâs silence, and he clarifies. âIf you were about to die.â He gets the impression that whatever monster lurks behind the helmet is smiling. âYou are about to die now. Because you are a criminal, and because of what you have said about my son, Luke Skywalker. You have an opportunity to do better. Use it.â
The so-condemned criminal, late of Jabbaâs palace guard, lets his jaw hang open unflatteringly for a moment while his brain catches up with events. HIS SON, which means âŠÂ Â
âYOUâRE Anakin Skywalkerâs HUSBAND?â
The steady, hissing rhythm of Darth Vaderâs rebreather actually stops dead as the Dark Lord straightens up as if stabbed with an electroprod.
In the instant before the manâs brains, blood, and spinal fluid coat the far wall, he has the momentary satisfaction of having, indeed, done much better than Solo.
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