Be Alert! The world needs more Lerts! But, really - don't read on if you are sensitive.
SHAME - the ghost of a pain
This song was set to languish in demo state forever. It doesn't fit with the new album which is a vastly different world (first single out early 2025) and it was written after Black Heart, which right scattered my big feelings everywhere, so when the dust settled I just wanted to recalibrate and turn the page.
But then the Royal Commission Abuse in Care Report came out a few months ago in New Zealand and each tale told by survivors for the report were the darkest things I have read - theirs were harrowing stories of survival and betrayal, yet to be brave enough to talk about what happened and where it all went wrong - is to grant a gift to us all, as painful as it is to hear. So I thought about my song Shame and how quietly undone I felt within it - this song is on stolen time and shouldn't even be a thing, I would love to have written about anything else except this. But out of the heart, the mouth speaks. And the words I wrote are a direct reference to how lost I was in the New Zealand justice system - how failed I was and undeniably left with secondary wounding after I reported abuse by my step father. Not a fun space to write a song from.
Quick Overview: I was sexually abused between the ages 8-12. The NZ Police, family and adults who were supposed to protect me, rotated between blaming me (I was a child) and then calling me a liar over and over again, obliterating my trust in the world from then on. I have my file of interviews and police reports and it's a grim document that I wished I hadn't had to read - ineptly investigated, biased, infuriating and very sad - should be filed under: Everything Thats Wrong With The World. As a result, the last few years since obtaining this file I have needed to monitor my rising waterline of sadness before the despair takes over, which is like being thrown into the Swamp of Sadness next to Artax (horse from Neverending Story... you KNOW the scene, it's wrecked us all). This is the impact, the lasting effects of trauma - an enemy of hope, it's a brutal refrain.
So, in between albums my song Shame gets a release, not with the usual PR but a gentle push into the outgoing tide, to be found by people who might need it. And this is the last installment of my *direct referencing* these events. I am leaving the valley of dry bones and have pulled myself back together with parts that were strewn all over the show like Mr Potato Head with feet for hands, but I will be here, there and everywhere mainlining my authenticity, my honesty and fearlessness ...and my massive love for a good song, knowing full well the magic it can do in the right moment.
xo Miriam
Of Note:
*Last year I was extensively evaluated by ACC New Zealand and officially declared 25% permanently impaired from the abuse and following treatment by authorities.
*2 weeks ago I received an apology from the New Zealand Police by the Detective assigned to review my case. I was told they have changed their ways and procedures now surrounding child sexual assault reporting - that I deserved better and that they let me down.
*My ex-step father is still a beloved (so-called) pillar of the community. The Palmerston North press even did an article on his retirement a few months ago on how wonderful he is and how much they will all miss him. This man continues to deny any/all abuse which spanned 3-4 years of my childhood with the most damaging of those times being when, at age 11 with peritonitis he kept me for weeks from any outside medical help for his own unhindered 24/7 access to me - a sick kid, stuck in bed. Surgeons had to remove gangrene from my stomach to save my life. He has faced no consequences for his actions. And I was not the only girl that's reported this man. This is a snapshot of deep systemic issues within my beautiful homeland of Aotearoa, and its unacceptable but no surprise that New Zealand - as reported by the BBC - has by far the highest youth suicide rate in the developed world.