Depression In Technicolor...

...and happiness in grayscale. All poems and photos, unless reblogged or stated otherwise, are personally edited/taken by me. Main blog: stalkhome-sindrone.tumblr.com

[mrawkweird]

Everybody and their ancestor showed up.

[balkansoul-deactivated20220924]

love how tumblr staff has time to censor words like “paint mixing” and “my face” and yet they can’t get rid of ssexsophie8127 thats been liking my posts from 2017

[ssexsophie8127]

fuck you

[depressionintechnicolor]

Sometimes when I feel alone I come here to look at the poems you wrote for me.

Those words and that moment time will always be available when I can't be. I'm sorry if the latter is the case.

[depressionintechnicolor]

How does one string such sad words together to create something so beautiful and real?

Because I have this forlorn sadness inside of me and about me that I can put into words easier than anything else. It’s mostly a cathartic experience.

Trying to write about happy things is a genuine challenge. 

[depressionintechnicolor]

Vision Quest Vision Quenched?

You keep waiting for the chemistry to yield, but we're based in different states. You're flowing, running faster than your own blood, kicking fog up from your own memories; waiting for tonight to become the tomorrow you always dreamed of. You're a candle burning at every orifice and you stare like I'm the moment that'll save you from thinning into smoke. Me? I'm solid. I'm stable, I can balance the Earth on my head and still have room for Mars. I am just and you are squirming, sinking, swirling; the blunt force trauma wrath left behind. I'm not merciful enough to love you like you want to be. I won't freeze you in a temporary-shaped forever. I won't celebrate indifference by eschewing independence. I want the cleanest view of myself and your eyes can only work interstitially. I'm not sorry. I'm also not at fault. You dreamt of me first. You put that thorned crown on, hoping the roses would soon follow. The roses will never follow. Get under it. Let it bury you, birth something reawakening you to this world. I'm solid, but if I hit a wall, the wall will won’t hit me back. My reflection is only a shadow, and my shadow threatens everyday to be a ghost. Someday far away, I won't be an ode to a vacuous dead end. Someday I won't need you to escape anymore, and in turn, you won't need me to find yourself. Someday, when you'll run away and flail and flee, like you do, you'll see me again in cloudy spectres. That's the location of our fated always. I will only love you there.

[depressionintechnicolor]

It means too much and I can't make it colloquial without the fear of pulling it off the mantle and never being able to return it to that height. It still manages to haunt me in my sleep; passing in brief skirmishes like facial textures in the clouds. I heard a voice, and I know whose it was...but that door must stay shut. Onwards.

[depressionintechnicolor]

I always loved the poems you made for me. Even now that I'm older and im not so scared

I’m really glad they helped you along in your growth! Pass them along to others and hopefully they do the same!

[gentlethorns]

hey okay if you're a poet rb this and tag it w some of your signature poetry moves!! it can be punctuation, sentence structure, poetic devices, or narrative choices. mine are comma splices, accusations the narrator makes against the audience (usually a "you"), and enjambment.

[depressionintechnicolor]

I read somewhere awhile ago about having line breaks everytime a new piece of information is brought in, and I must've just internalized that. I'm not terribly sure but I also subconsciously write about most things from a place of love and reverence (probably because i can't actualize that irl). Finally, I have a tendency to write in second person and then edit it to be in first to, y'know, assume responsibility and all

[depressionintechnicolor]

Subcognizant

I tried to wrap my lips around you...

or at least, modules connected to circuitry

tethered to a vision of your likeness.

You said that you liked this,

that it was idyllic-

and then I sunk searchlight eyes

into the brushes of a dusky sky

made on a chalkboard in a 12th grade portable.

I built thickets around growth.

You really were an affordable promise,

but I taught myself too much of having pennies for fingers

and not enough about making change for space.

As a result, I never grew out of shoes chained to waits;

they just eroded from my feet and I built monoliths to them

in the warm, crystalline balm of elsewhere.

And I still do.

[depressionintechnicolor]

Forgive the metronome you aren't.

[depressionintechnicolor]

You'll never know what you mean to me. And besides, being diabolical never meant I didn't hold you in my heart. Being vengeful never meant I wasn't being tender with you. Being cautious never mean you were a danger to me.

[depressionintechnicolor]

The opposite of absence making the heart fonder is sitting on opposite sides of the room from the poems you write. It's celebrating days where nothing but the grit and callouses are on your mind and rueing the moments when someone means something. The unfortunate part of that is everyone means something. The songs you look for objectivity in? Mean something to someone. The writings you look for connective tissue to? Mean something from someone. You can't render this irrelevant because someone made your tenderness an enemy. Conflict is not the enemy, complacency is.

[depressionintechnicolor]

"This is how the world feels, I'm part of the world. Deal with it."

[depressionintechnicolor]

I wish you wouldn't get your life caught in my affairs. I wish you didn't find beauty in my crosshairs. I wish you never ever always come to hold me. I want to be better alone than better off lonely. I wish you would receive an epiphany in the mail. I wish you do find a splint in me of male. I wish you could find the zero-sum of my ego deathly. I want to have the pleasure of saying you left me. I wish you wouldn't love me dull and so far from sharp. I wish you didn't want to play me like a harp. I wish you never ever kiss me and give me your hum. I want to break you into a beaten-in conundrum. I wish you would become anything but a saint. I wish you do find disgust in my blood as paint. I wish you could find your love inside of my fate. I want to be accepting without a need for your hate.

[depressionintechnicolor]

Letter To a Friend in Greece / 18

Recall we abraded in May showers? Guess that saying is a dumb lie that sorrows end when relations start to move beyond our low hanging sky I was cloth and you were leather, I got soaked and yet you were ever so slick I clutch wrath, but you are better off running away from what made us sick I really hope you broke our pact, I was parched and in viciously lulled pain But when am I not since validity is rigidity in my brain? Equal to human, I'm sympathetic with waded head of deep purples Cynical impressive psycho, yet so cyclical in precious circles

I once knelt near crystalline river sunk in forest of brick and stone Hoping to leave fully filled, fulfilled and not alone or a lonely bone And yeah, I was picked up, alright, swept off right foot in wolverines' sawtooth It's much safer to cocoon myself deep within the echo of a truth Making it in life, making out with life surrounded by noisy applause It's hard making out life while skin deep in silky, sapless gauze More than human, I'm synesthetic, craving red but I'm black / yellow / black hello, what I bleed is through cause I need dark blue and callow

I was wrong to think that finite glory swirling in vodka and absinthe Would ever defeat perpetual power whirring in the voice of a synth But I've always clung to their myth that my feet will approach prosperity On footing next to monolith somewhere past deep shores of vulgarity When has it ever been simpler to give up dreading and simply drown? Do you know my neck's stinging bitterly looking somewhere other than down? Less than human, I'm so synthetic, exiting dead language of languid age Streamlining my speech so I will merely exist in a coming of rage

[depressionintechnicolor]

Quicksand

So where I am

Can I begin?

I seem to have

Gotten lost when

I hold the map but was never good at direction

Depending on winds to perform “the connection”

But others run lips in ways I can barely crawl

Escape is with purples on pink or not at all

And now I am,

Pedestrian

So splayed and spread

Yet clasped within

And still finding it hard to hold onto ground or a hand

When my thoughts swallow me into the glass of quicksand

Trust me when I say the tempo at which I speak

Is a defense mechanism so shakes don't leak

And sometimes too

The space between

My mind and mouth

Cannot be seen

Today it's the traffic sludge of rush hour

Tomorrow it'll be a stage set to flower

Speaking of which, what's your favourite? Quite cliche

But at this point I'd break my arm for sympathy

I'd break my nose

Or split my brow

I'm just being

Destructive now

Why am I still here wondering?

Spinning on a wheel, buffering

Waiting for you to say something

Weird or wack or warped or nothing

Easier if you walk away

But better? I could never say

Alone can be simple for some

“Lonely” is what I run away from

So where, oh wait

Fuck, I forgot...

So where I am

I'm past that clot

I must be taught

What I have not

Such as psychology or histrionics

Or unlearn everything and comprehend politics

I'd trade my choice

Just for a side

If it would bring

Me sustained pride

Self righteousness is inside myself, right?

If I can turn it on then we'll be airtight

I work hard enough trying to pretend

Please know you mean more to me than an end

Of standing here

And wincing out

The potential

Against my doubt

That we're striving for a kinship to obtain here

That from those beginnings we can abstain fear

I feel as though we have that in common

So there maybe be a new hope for us incoming

So here I am

Let's try again

To -together-

Be greater than

The sum of imprinted issues

Already I truly miss you

And yet you stand in holy light

For an agnostic, an odd sight

Why are you still here? What a shock

By now I'm a big laughing stock

But this is going really well

A fluttering chest brings a swell

Of the sentimentalities

I lived for in childhood TVs

There's so much that I can think of

Since I've left over the sink, love

My bad, that's a declaration

Not a slight or condemnation

I don't intend for complication

I adore this conversation

Now I'm stuck, I like this too much

Now I'm fucked, you stare at my crutch

Disintegrating grin breaks me

Bring it back, forget what stakes be

I'm forced to watch you leave with ease

All because of this dumb disease

You can't see me down on bruised knees

Silently screaming confused pleas

So there I am

Fallen apart

Willing to sell

My hectic heart

[depressionintechnicolor]

Dissociation

(words in black are song lyrics, numbers represent track numbers)