The world keeps spinning (but not for me)
deancas fic set post confession!
1 Month since Cas’s Death
He’s actually gone this time.
Dean cant feel him anymore.
He’s gone and it’s all Dean’s fault.
He goes searching for the answers at the bottom of whiskey bottles and in the messes of his vomit that cover the bunker floor.
Sam keeps asking what happened, and the thing is Dean wants to tell him. He wants to break down in his baby brother’s arms and wail until his lungs cant function anymore, he hopes he screams so loud it rips his throat raw and he drowns in his own blood. But every time he looks at Sam, or Jack all he hears is
“Because you cared I cared… I cared about Sam, about Jack..”
Because of you, I’m dead.
Every night Dean sits in the pitch black emptiness of the library, drowning his sorrows in whatever alcohol he can find and he talks. He talks to Cas, prays to him rather. He knows wherever Cas is, he cant hear him. Somehow that makes it easier for him, easier to whisper “I love you” into the darkness and know he’ll never hear it back. It’s not like he deserves it anyway.
2 Months since Cas’s Death
Dean wakes up every morning drenched in sweat and screaming Cas’s name. Sam holds him until he starts breathing normally again and then Dean tells him to fuck off, doesn’t Sam get it? He killed Cas. Dean murdered Cas. It’s all his fault. Why the fuck should he feel any ounce of comfort or remorse when Cas never even got to feel loved?
No one should hold Dean. Or touch him. Or speak to him.
He has to preserve who he was when he was last with Cas.
He tells the library so every night.
3 Months since Cas’s Death
“Dean we needed to know what happened, you-“
Sam watched the tapes from the dungeon. The ones where-
“Dean you wont talk to us and you’re killing yourself! You- I cant even recognise you half the time anymore Dean. When you’re not sleeping and screaming his name you’re angry, drunk and you’re looking for something to hurt and it always seems to be you that you land on Dean- I see the bruises on your fists, please Dean, you’re scaring Jack.”
That cut deeper than Dean can ever say ‘you’re scaring Jack.’ thats exactly what Dean used to say to John when he got like this. He used to hold Sam and promise him he would never let anything bad happen to him, that he’d never let their dad lay a hand on him.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
“Fuck. You.” Dean bites out. He takes a step towards Sam and a part of him dies when Sam flinches back.
“You think you know what fuckin’ happened Sammy? You think you could ever understand how it fucking feels?” Deans pointer finger slammed against Sam’s chest. “I killed him. Me.” Sam cupped deans hand gently “You know that’s not true.” always so soft, despite everything.
A bitter, rotten laugh claws its way up from Deans throat “Isn’t it? You heard the man!” Dean yanks his hand away “Or did you watch him die in silence. Did you watch it take him in the quiet?” He stalks closer to Sam now, in his face, daring Sam to reply. He doesn’t.
“Well lucky fucking you.” he whispered as he heard the words die a twisted death on his tongue. Dean shoved Sam back and began pacing slowly.
“I sure wish I could’ve lived it in silence- because all I fucking hear anymore is him! He’s not even here and all I see is him, except for when I look in the mirror cause then I’m just dad.”
Dean is spiralling and he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know where he is, or what’s happening, he wants to hurt everything and everyone around him, but he has to protect Sam. Always his brothers protector.
Dean nearly chokes on his words, they come out quiet and afraid and fill all the space in the room once inhabited by Dean’s whiskey flavoured torment. “It- It wasn’t for you.” He’s crying, he can feel it. Searing tear tracks flow down his face and Sam takes a step closer with his arms spread, ready to hold Dean together.
Dean spins on his heels and slams the door on his way out without a word.
He cries in the Library that night and imagines the black tar swallowing him too.
“I love you Cas… how could you do this? Why? Why, sweetheart? I could have gone with you.”
There was a deafening silence.
“Why didn’t you take me with you?”
4 Months since Cas’s Death
Dean doesn’t speak all month, too busy guzzling spirits.
They’re on to something big, they’re going to defeat Chuck.
Dean cant bring himself to care.
“Cas?” he rasps into the phone.
In a heartbeat he’s up, and before he knows it he’s at the door and opening it. Not even thinking for a second that this could be a trick. All he could think was Cas.
CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas-
His sobs were all that filled the Library that night.
5 Months since Cas’s Death
They beat Chuck, the world is back.
But Dean lost another person.
Because he’s selfish, Dean prays for Jack to come back to them. He was clinging to Jack, the closest thing to Cas he had left.
But because Jack was so similar to Cas, he did the right thing and left Dean’s prayers unanswered.
Eileen tries to talk to Dean, he ignores her. Seeing her there with Sam’s hand on her shoulder, and pity in her eyes is too much, it’s just another reminder of what Dean will never, ever have.
That night in the library Dean doesn’t drink, he just talks to the empty space until he falls asleep.
“I used to hate that you stood so friggin close to me all the time man. I mean really hate it.” He laughed quietly to himself, “But it’s so cold without you now.”
“Thought I saw you today.”
“Sammy mentioned you yesterday, we were out at some fair thing and there was all these farm animals in a pen- he said ‘Cas would’ve loved all these little guys’” He took a deep breath in “and you know what? I almost let myself imagine it and smile, before i said ‘We have to bring him sometime.’” The crying started then, and it didn’t stop until Deans head hit the table.
6 Months since Cas’s Death
He’s not sure why he says it, but Sam looks up from his breakfast and looks at Dean like his heart just shattered. Dean keeps cutting up his food.
“You wanna know the worst part? Think I loved him too.”
The knife and fork clatter and Dean sinks to the floor.
He cries for hours and Sam holds him as their food goes cold.
12 Months since Cas’s Death.
When Sam moved in with Eileen, Dean got his own apartment. It’s pretty shitty but it does its job.
They turned the bunker into a halfway home for any hunters who needed it.
He still talks to Cas every night.
stormborns
discoholicmusic
areudirty
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
